Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

I would like to see a poster quote someone who has said that you must have a child who has seriously bullied your child in your house.

Read your own posts, you did say that. You said it was bullying to exclude one child. If a child wants to have a class party but leave one kid out who bullied them, you said that was unacceptable.

You are all seem to paint the excluded child as one who is dreadful, a bully, attacking at every opportunity.

What happens if the excluded one isn't? The one that's maybe not as fun, or socially awkward, or just not your cup if tea? But not hurtful, or mean?

Is it ok to exclude that one in a class party?

Mmm, interesting no parent is posting to say, "we don't dare block the bully, because DS/DD are desperate to be best buds, but that weirdo kid with the odd walk and blinking thing... don't want them there!"

Because in my experience, that's far closer to the average party than the usual bully-blocking claims.

NOT saying the latter doesn't happen. Just that, in my experience of children more generally, most kids are scared of being the bully's core target, and the bully is usually very popular. Most parties are, by definition, not held by that target - and the most common targets are the ones who get excluded. The kids not asked to most of the parties are the victims, and the oddballs. And given how common that is, why does no parent ever have the balls to admit to it?

Olivia, I said it was bullying to deliberate exclude only one child from a whole class (or all boys or all girls party).

Yes, I got that. No need to shout or 'sigh'.

If a child wants to have a party and invite their whole class apart from one, you are saying that is unacceptable. Therefore you must mean that said bully has to be invited.

I don't think the child 'must' have a smaller party to stop the bullies being particularly excluded. If a child is a nasty bully, they have to live with the fact that they will be excluded.

outym I don't think anyone would expect you to invite such a person into your home.

However I do know children have been labelled early and it seems rather harsh.

outy

Your experience is severe though and not that of a normal primary school.
I can't imagine what it must have been like for your child and am thankful I've never experienced anything like this.
But bullying from a younger child can be managed sometimes in social situations and the one's I/we decided to invite to parties were much more low level bullies or even those who others would have left out due to hearsay.
This is completely different and nobody said or implied that bullying at the level you have experienced should warrant everybody being friends and including the bully at parties.
There are lots of different levels of bullying and I think it's wrong when they are little to be left out because of this, most grow out of it and are educated that their behaviour is unacceptable, leaving them out is not helping them to see this.
I am so sorry you child went through such a horrendous ordeal.

Outy that's a really, really extreme situation, and actually in that scenario you would IMO be failing in your duty to your child if you did invite the other kid. That other kid is deeply troubled and I can only hope, for their and everyone else's sake, that they are getting some fairly intensive help.

But the point - and it is, I notice, being quite assiduously ignored by a lot of people - is that most bullying isn't like that. Most bullying is a queen or king bee isolating, mocking and belittling a more socially clueless kid, and the rest of the kids falling into line behind the bully. That's the average situation. And it is far, far more common for it to be that bullied and isolated child who's left off the guestlist. Because most bullies are popular. The other kids want to be their friend - or at least, are scared of being their target. So they tend not to be short on party invites.

In threads like this, and they do come up regularly, you get a lot of parents insisting that their child, who was bullied, shouldn't have to have the bully there, and that their child is someone popular enough that a whole class party is a possibility for them otherwise. Yet you never find a parent saying, "well, why should my kid ask the weird one? They don't like them, and they'd ruin it by being, well... weird." In spite of the fact that the most common party excludee is always, always the kid that the rest think is weird. And yet people seem hell-bent on ignoring that, and instead justifying the practice. And I do find that a little strange.

Outy, honestly, I think you need to read again. NOBODY is saying that you, in your situation, should ask a child. Nobody. It sounds horrific, and as someone who also moved a child over bullying (well, there were a lot of failures, but serious bullying was part of it) I actually understand more than you probably realise, though it was primary age and the older situation escalated to something terrifying, that is very clear.

But that is a RARE situation. It's not the normal run of bullying behaviour, because most bullies aren't severely disturbed. And so on average, a bullied child - a child like your own - is really likely to be the one excluded from an otherwise whole class party. Not because they are scary or cruel or nasty or even rude. Just because they're odd, or are being sent to Coventry by the rest.

Again: in your case, asking the bully would have been a failure on your part. A serious, alarming safeguarding failure. You would never have dreamed of asking them and of course you shouldn't have. At all. It's not something I can imagine anyone arguing, actually. Any parent asking a kid who did that to their own would be a really, really appalling parent.

Nobody has called you a bully, or said you did anything wrong. In any discussion there are going to be exceptional circumstances, and yours is definitely one of them. The comments are about the average situation, and yours is anything but.

There aren't really words to express how sympathetic I am over what you and your girl have experienced. It's something that really, really scares me over my own child's secondary years, as he's vulnerable.

outy sounds dreadful. I really hope you get justice for your DD.

Outy what you and your DC have been through is truly awful and as insufficient as it is can I send you a big hug. If I had been a fellow parent in your class I swear I would gave stood with you and supported you if I could.

There may have been some mis communication on the thread so can I just say I don't think anyone here would expect you to invite the offender around, entertain them or excuse them in any way. Getting authorities involved was clearly the right way to go as they obviously needed outside help. I wish those horrid years could be erased for you and you DC.

As posted above I believe the 'don't exclude one' posts refer to completely different situations where no one would be at risk should the child attend. Very different from your situation, which sounds extreme.

How are you and DC now? And please accept my sincere hug and empathy.

for you, Outy.

I hope you get justice for your daughter.