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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that ds is up to no good?

114 replies

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/04/2016 12:17

Flameproof suit on.

Ds1 is just 15.
He's pretty much constantly grumpy. He has a GCSE this year and 12 next year.

I took some clean clothes into his room. I sat on his bed as I had quite a pile of washing and sat on something hard. I moved the blanket and there were 5 phones.

I am a single parent and those phones belong to neither me or his siblings. There are 2 iPhone 5c, an HTC, a cheap flip phone and 1 iPhone 6. He has a nice life- a PS4, own bedroom, friends and doing well academically. He sees his dad EOW.

He went to school with a phone today (he was listening to music through headphones) and I assume it's the iPhone 5s that his dad pays for.

If I ask him he's going to be furious and lie. There is absolutely no way of getting the truth out of him.

I don't think he's doing drugs but I know his friends smoke weed. If I had to guess where they came from I'd say that they were stolen (from school?) He has stolen money from me on multiple occasions but stopped recently.

Aibu to drop them off at his school anonymously? Is there something else I can do?

No flaming about not being able to get the truth out of him please. He's angry, stubborn and practically in punishable since toddlerhood.

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 22/04/2016 12:21

id take them and hide them and see what happens, if he says anything

JennyOnAPlate · 22/04/2016 12:22

You have to speak to him about it. If he won't give you answers you assume they are stolen and call the police.

CaptainCrunch · 22/04/2016 12:22

That would really worry me. I used to work in criminal justice and having multiple payg phones is a hallmark of drug dealers and organised criminal gangs. I think you need to take this seriously.

Lollylovesbones · 22/04/2016 12:24

Well - it's pretty likely they're stolen. Dropping the phones anonymously gets rid of the phones but doesn't solve the problem. Is his father some one you could talk to? Or who would talk to him and get to the truth? I would be looking for outside help preferably in a way that doesn't get him a criminal record.

Thisismyfirsttime · 22/04/2016 12:27

Are the phones on? I be tempted to take them and say nothing too but I don't think I would, I'd worry that it'd get him hurt if he's in some kind of trouble. I suppose you either do a bit more digging or come out and ask him.

MattDillonsPants · 22/04/2016 12:29

I think OP that you should speak to him. Remove the phones from the house first and stash them somewhere. Tell him that unless he tells the truth and proves it, that you will be taking the phones to the police.

Did you check their contents?

CakeNinja · 22/04/2016 12:29

I would think drug dealing. Sorry.

Witchend · 22/04/2016 12:38

It's not going to be good I doubt.
Could be drug dealing
Could be bullying
Could be stealing

The only very remote possibility of being okay would be if he was known among his friends as able to fix them. But that's very much a grasping at straws. I really can't see that being a real possibility.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 22/04/2016 12:38

For dealing though wouldn't it be more likely to have the cheapest PAYG phones?

I would hide them and see what he does

SaucyJack · 22/04/2016 12:42

I think he's stealing phones from other pupils.

You should call at the least the Headteacher, and possibly the police as well.

In the unlikely event that there is an innocent explanation, then all will come good in the wash.

Sorry dude.

BirthdayBetty · 22/04/2016 12:45

I echo what SaucyJack posted, especially as he has form for stealing.

firesidechat · 22/04/2016 12:48

I would talk to him about it and see what happens. If you don't get anywhere with that I would ask for proof of where he got them from. If he couldn't supply that I would take them away and tell him that I was going to talk to the school as I would assume they were stolen. Then I would confiscate them and talk to the school as promised and he could get as furious as he liked.

No way would I drop them off at school anonymously. What would that solve?

GlitteryFluff · 22/04/2016 13:03

I'd remove the phones and then sit him down and have a conversation. Try to get the bottom of it. I reckon he's probably stealing them from pupils, possibly sneakily or bullying to get them.

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 22/04/2016 13:04

Sorry pal it's either drug dealing or stealing.

Hide the phones and demand the truth or the phones either:

Get destroyed
Get sent to the police

I hope you are okay? Here have some it must be horrible for you.

Original poster

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/04/2016 13:23

Exh is not any help. He's a classic Disney Dad who won't discipline ds out of fear that he won't see him. Strange how ds lives here despite me having to be a disciplinarian.

Can anyone help with signs he's doing drugs?His clothes smell of Lynx and wAshing powder. When he's in the shower later I'll try his school blazer.

I have hidden the phones. I know I need to confront him even if he won't tell me what he's up to. Still not sure what to do with the phones.

One phone had his spare SIM, I haven't got an HTC or Motorola charger and the other 2 have been recently wiped.

OP posts:

CakeNinja · 22/04/2016 14:24

Some of the more obvious signs are things like big changes in mood/personality, unusual sleep patterns, being withdrawn, flitting in and out a lot, do his eyes look glazed, is his nose running/blocked/sneezing/blowing often, erm, basically any unusual changes in him.
Different drugs will cause different effects.

What time are you expecting him home?
Does he ever have friends back or go there? What are his friends like? Do you have a good/bad feeling about them (not that this is to do with them, but do you think he has solid friendships)?

firesidechat · 22/04/2016 14:33

Still not sure what to do with the phones

There is only one thing to do - keep them until you either go to the school with them or the police if necessary. No 15 year would buy multiple phones, so he is steeling them or that's the most likely explanation. They need to be returned to their rightful owners and your son needs a short sharp shock. Sometimes we have to be the tough parent with our kids and now is the time for you to play hardball.

FuzzyOwl · 22/04/2016 14:42

He doesn't need to be taking drugs to be dealing and his clothes wouldn't smell unless he was smoking anything anyway.

If he is dealing, he might be stealing phones to use to reduce his risk of being caught. Or he could be stealing phones to sell on (through eBay or school), but the potential come back is probably not worth it and second hand phones don't always have much resell value.

I really can't see a good reason for having so many phones and drugs or other criminal activity (prostitution, selling weapons etc) is the only reason I can think of anyone needing so many.

I would hide them somewhere and talk to him but make it clear that if you don't have all the information you will be involving both the school and the police. After all, if in the unlikely event he isn't doing anything wrong, he won't mind that. Do go through with involving them if necessary though, and be prepared that even if he is honest with you that you may have to do so anyway

Gatehouse77 · 22/04/2016 14:44

I would get them from his room and ask him as soon as he's home from school. I would do my best not to be confrontational but if he couldn't give a valid reason, I'd be off to the police station. Ideally with him in tow.

I would be equally suspicious but I would check that he's not be coerced. Which would be just as much a worry.

Original poster

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/04/2016 14:50

I've just been to the supermarket and my card bounced. Printed out a mini statement and he's taken my card and withdrawn cash. Fuck. That had to last until Monday.

He'll be home about 4:30pm. He's going to deny it despite the proof.

I know it's up to me to be an adult. I'm sick of this but It's my job to raise a responsible member of society. He'll be leaving home before I know it and needs to be a human who can cope out there.

I've tried the CAMHS route when he was younger in y7 and he was great at fooling them. Ex is going to flip but I think I am going to have to get advice from the police.

I haven't thanked everyone for their support. I'm at a parenting bottom (again!) when it comes to him. I wish there was a way to know that this was a turning point and that he's going to end up a good man.

Apologies if I don't update until this evening. I will be back.

OP posts:

JuxtapositionRecords · 22/04/2016 14:50

I think you need to tell him HE needs to take them to school or the police with you if he has no reasonable explanation of where they came from.

JuxtapositionRecords · 22/04/2016 14:52

That many phones is excessive for dealing and if they have been wiped it looks like he was planning to sell them on

FuzzyOwl · 22/04/2016 14:52

Hope it goes well CheeseAndOnion and parenting is tough, so don't think you are at the bottom.

JuxtapositionRecords · 22/04/2016 14:53

Just seen your update - sorry you are going through this op

FuzzyOwl · 22/04/2016 14:53

I have to disagree Jux.

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