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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ds is up to no good?

114 replies

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/04/2016 12:17

Flameproof suit on.

Ds1 is just 15.
He's pretty much constantly grumpy. He has a GCSE this year and 12 next year.

I took some clean clothes into his room. I sat on his bed as I had quite a pile of washing and sat on something hard. I moved the blanket and there were 5 phones.

I am a single parent and those phones belong to neither me or his siblings. There are 2 iPhone 5c, an HTC, a cheap flip phone and 1 iPhone 6. He has a nice life- a PS4, own bedroom, friends and doing well academically. He sees his dad EOW.

He went to school with a phone today (he was listening to music through headphones) and I assume it's the iPhone 5s that his dad pays for.

If I ask him he's going to be furious and lie. There is absolutely no way of getting the truth out of him.

I don't think he's doing drugs but I know his friends smoke weed. If I had to guess where they came from I'd say that they were stolen (from school?) He has stolen money from me on multiple occasions but stopped recently.

Aibu to drop them off at his school anonymously? Is there something else I can do?

No flaming about not being able to get the truth out of him please. He's angry, stubborn and practically in punishable since toddlerhood.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/04/2016 14:57

He's always been grumpy and doesn't have any physical symptoms.

He never brings friends home but dd has seen him at school with them. She describes his group as popular with both sexes and often playing basketball at break. The only things I know about his friends are when he games online and I hear their voices. Nothing sinister there.

He is very private about his life. I give him his space as he seems to enjoy independence and privacy. Should I have been micromanaging more?

OP posts:
PinkSnowAndStars · 22/04/2016 14:57

how much Has he stolen from you?

MsMims · 22/04/2016 14:57

Sorting the phones out, two options really. Either drop them off anonymously at school/ put through letter box or tell a lie and say you found them dumped somewhere to the police. Either way, they need to be returned to their rightful owners and I wound prioritise this incase they have been recently stolen, before the owners shell out for replacements.

Other option is to give your son a chance to come clean, and if no dice then straight to the police station. It may be the shock he needs if he doesn't listen to you, and also better than him getting arrested if someone dobs him in/ knows what he's done. It would be really tough on you, but being hardline with him now could be enough to stop this becoming a habit in adulthood.

Sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

MsMims · 22/04/2016 15:00

Sorry, missed your update about him stealing from you OP. I'm afraid I would definitely go to the police now. It needs to be nipped in the bud while you're still able to have some influence over what happens.

Gubbins · 22/04/2016 15:01

He wouldn't have multiple expensive phones if he was dealing. He'd have one in addition to the one his dad is funding. He's nicked them.

Ring the police. He needs a shock.

Tiredemma · 22/04/2016 15:01

I think he needs a visit to the police station.

how much money has he stolen (and how - did you give him your card?)

PestilentialCat · 22/04/2016 15:05

I'd give him a chance to explain before contacting the police & school - he might be being pressurised/bullied by someone else. What I told them would depend on what he told me.

He also needs to pay back the money he has pinched from you, by earning it properly or taking it out of any savings, not by selling stolen goods!

FuzzyOwl · 22/04/2016 15:05

For people saying he would only have one phone for dealing, from my previous work experience it is just not true. Although, admittedly, this is generally for people who hopefully deal on a larger scale than a teenager. Some dealers will have one that is a personal one, one to contact their bigger dealer (or more if they are supplied by more than one), one for their smaller dealers to contact them on and another for individuals who deal. Plus they will often wipe and dispose of the phones after they have been used for a certain length of time. They specifically have multiple phones to break up the chain so that if one phone is unlocked by the police it is not as incriminating for them or anyone else that they are involved with.

SistersOfPercy · 22/04/2016 15:18

I'd lean towards stealing to fund a weed habit personally.
Sorry you're having to deal with this cheese
Flowers

Bogeyface · 22/04/2016 15:23

I think the phones are pinched too.

I would give him a choice between confessing or you all the police. What happens after that is up to him but you cant let this go.

Bogeyface · 22/04/2016 15:24

call

ClopySow · 22/04/2016 15:25

Teenage boys are an absolute minefield.

ElizabethWindsorBirthdayGirl · 22/04/2016 15:29

I'd have them all in a row on the kitchen table for when he walks in and would tell him that unless he tells me everything I will call the head teacher and/or police and tell them about stealing the cash card and the money. I wouldn't give him time to realise they were gone and concoct a story. I'm not saying that I would definitely make the call BTW but I'd sure as hell threaten it. Good luck OP.

MyLocal · 22/04/2016 15:29

I would sit him down calmly, explain what you have found and ask him for an explanation immediately, no chance to make up a story, tell him before he speaks that if you are not satisfied with the response you will be approaching the school to ask if there has been a series of thefts or reported "lost" phones and if not, ringing the police.

ElizabethWindsorBirthdayGirl · 22/04/2016 15:32

I would also teach him the far reaching implications of having a criminal record. info here

Goingtobeawesome · 22/04/2016 15:33

Is there anyone you can have in the house with you while you talk to him if you think he'll get mouthy?

Jayne35 · 22/04/2016 15:34

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time op. I can sympathise as my ds was a nightmare from around 7 years old. Stole from me and others. I did call the police in the end - when he was 15, but ultimately decided to drop the charges as he had already been arrested for other things and I didn't want him in serious trouble, they were however, really helpful and experienced with this sort of thing. Weed played a big part, which really stinks by the way, even when not being smoked.

My ds moved in with his Dad in the end (I was too strict apparently!) and he has been allowed to do what he likes since. Thankfully at 18 he is now holding down a job (still smokes unfortunately) and is surprisingly a nice boy, we spend a lot of time together and are closer than ever. I don't 100% trust him so I'm watchful but hopeful.

Whatever your ds issues are, stealing/drugs he can change but do call the police op, if only to get advice. Talk to his Dad as he should be involved and not just in a 'Disney' way. Remove the phones and ask him to explain and tell him you will call the police, then do it, don't back down (I used to be a bit in denial about my ds behaviour when he was younger - made things worse me standing up for him all the time.). Flowers

Maryz · 22/04/2016 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:37

He won't be using those phones for dealing - you need throwaway phones for that and those phones are too expensive.

Could you phone the school anonymously and ask whether pupils have reported stolen phones?

Given his personality, I think you need to come down really tough now and call the police - I'm really sorry but he is abusing you through stealing your money and he's clearly stealing from others. If he has no consequences, he'll be a really horrible adult.

Whyissheontheship · 22/04/2016 15:37

I know he is your son and it will be hard but I think you need to get the police involved. It sounds like the phones are stolen. Might give him a kick up the backside he needs Flowers

FuzzyOwl · 22/04/2016 15:45

And expensive stolen phones are definitely used for dealing.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:48

By 15 year old boys, though, FuzzyOwl?

NeedACleverNN · 22/04/2016 15:53

Sorry to hear this OP

I hope he doesn't give you too much grief when it comes to finding out what's going on

GooodMythicalMorning · 22/04/2016 15:55

Get the police involved. It will only escalate if you don't and this is bad as it is!

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:56

You need your ex by your side (metaphorically and physically) when you tackle your son. He needs to step up now.

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