It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

It's madness.

What on earth is the reason? That non residents guests are some kind of security risk? I can't think of an inoffensive reason for it.

Don't do it. It will be all anyone talks about.
Remember GinandTea's wedding?
OMG that was insane, they insisted you stay at this posh venue and when we said we'd got a b&b they told us WE WOULDNT BE LET IN
You're kidding!
No, seriously! Apparently it was the only venue that for their requirements - oh and those requirements included a spa and a golf course so the groom could play a few hole in the morning
And did he really?
No idea, after they said we wouldn't be let in we cancelled the b&b. I think a lot of people did
Huh, I'd never have thought GinandTea was like that. How weird and rude.

My sister did this.
I had to go as I was her sister / bridesmaid.
It cost me a fortune and basically I effectively subsidised her wedding (along with all the other guests)... and I had to buy a present etc as well.
I wasn't the slightest bit happy (it was some £150 per night and I had to stay for 2 nights) and I lived just up the road so could have managed without a hotel at all.

If I got an invitation like this, I would basically see it as an income bar - my friend/relative saying "If you're not able to be comfortable stumping up £xhundred on rooms, I don't want you at your wedding."

Or you could just eliminate this difficulty by not asking those who you think couldn't afford it, and cut out the awkward middle bit...

I will speak to the hotel again to see if there's any flexibility at all.

Raffles, there's no need to stay the night before, there's a local train station and it's an easy drive from edi airport/other key areas and wedding would be late afternoon. Spa & breakfast are included in room, drinks are similarly priced to more other wedding venues I've been to (unless you deliberately choose expensive options) and we are including some drinks.

I'm hoping that most would have 2016 view of its a good excuse to stay somewhere lovely that's usually much more expensive. Doesn't seem that way though 😔

Junk the spa/golf course criterion. If you want to relax with your family in a spa, you can do that any time; plus you can relax and socialise perfectly well without a spa. If your fiancé seriously is desperate to play golf on his wedding day (really?), you can find a hotel near a golf course.

I've come across situations where people have exclusive use of the hotel for a wedding so they have to pay for all the rooms, but never one where a hotel made it a condition of guests attending that you or they buy expensive rooms. That alone would rule it out for me. Effectively they're telling you that they are selling tickets to your wedding. When they're already taking loads of money off you, it's unbelievably grabby.

As numerous threads on here have attested, unless the B&G are happy to cover the costs of unsold rooms, it causes endless bad feeling when guests can't afford the hotel but feel under pressure to stay there. If I go to a wedding some distance away, it's already costing me money to travel there, so I don't want an expensive hotel stay on top if I can get a B&B more cheaply. Don't do this unless you are prepared to take the risk of having to pay full price for a lot of empty rooms.

I would be very surprised if that rule is even legal??

If your family are fine with it, would they pay for their own rooms in full which could potentially leave you to completely cover the cost of the guests rooms?

Have a smaller wedding and pay for all your guests to stay.

they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive.

Sorry OP, but Fuck Dat!

Spa is no real use to wedding guests though, as they are at the wedding all day then usual lie in the following morning from the drinks the night before.

I'm not really convinced many people would particularly want to do golf and spa on the morning of the wedding. If it's late afternoon won't people be travelling up on the day rather than sitting in the ska?

I'm just frustrated because if we booked one of the hotels above, the rooms are £150 each and I'd bet the most people would pay it and choose to stay... So we could have had what we wanted, for the same cost to everyone.

Sorry gin, I'm sure you are lovely IRL. But either because you've always had plenty of money, or because you're very caught up in wedding prep, you're failing to see that other people's finances are not all elasticated and can stretch to fit your plans.

Maybe start a new "AIBU to wish all my friends and family were as well off as I am?"

I worded that awfully sorry! If your family are happy with the situation, would they be able to pay for their rooms in full? Then you could pay for the guests costs in full too, leaving no need to break nasty news about owing £50-75 to them.

How much are the rooms at your venue?

Can you clarify, is the rule that if they aren't guests at the hotel then they can't come to wedding? Or is it, the hotel have said to you, you need to book a minimum amount of rooms?
If it's the latter then the only solution I think is to find a way to pay it yourself if you really don't want your wedding elsewhere, and hope your guests choose to stay.

Ooh I was just about to suggest that truffle.

I'm hoping that most would have 2016 view of its a good excuse to stay somewhere lovely that's usually much more expensive.

The 2016 view is normally that we don't have much spare cash and we need to make it stretch as far as possible...

Witsender- this is our family and close friends list. It's as lean as we can get it.

Balbirnie is lovely- no availability for suitable dates and no childcare though

and it's not even really the price that bothers me so much, but the dictation that they, the venue for hire, will tell you, the bride and groom, and your guests where they MUST stay.

This is meant to be YOUR day and they are trying to make it all about them with this silly money grabbing rule.

Receipt for disaster.

Asking great minds! I think I worded it awfully both times I attempted though, my brain is not screwed in properly today

I'm hoping that most would have 2016 view of its a good excuse to stay somewhere lovely that's usually much more expensive. Doesn't seem that way though 😔

the problem with this is, its your idea of somewhere lovely, it may not be everyone's. Also those with children may not want to stay somewhere with a lovely spa etc that they won't be able to make use of as they have younger dc with them. Also realistically are they going to get the use of it? Travel on the day, check in (usually after lunch) then get ready for the wedding, wedding, bed, get up for breakfast, checkout. Oh look that lovely pool and spa, that I didn't get to use! or husband and wife check in with dc, husband buggers off to play golf as he's at Gleneagles so cant pass up the chance for a quick round, wife left with younger dc trying to entertain them and get ready while husband then strolls back and gets himself ready. wife is stressed and saying never again, husband is thinking oh what a lovely day!

Well, can you afford to pay for all of them to stay? All 32 rooms? (Minus a few for close family etc who will probably pay). Maybe hotel will give you a better deal that way?

But tbh, however much you like it their ridiculous attitude would be putting me off having it there regardless.

I meant the poster 2016.

Asking- I just genuinely think almost all of them will opt to stay at the venue if it's somewhere else, it's the whole 'have to' thing that's massively awkward.