It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

If the situation was reversed i wouldn't mind at all, I can afford it and love weddings. I'm very aware that not everyone feels the same.

To repeat what others have said you need to look at the cost of the rooms as part of your bill and be able to afford it if you really want the venue.

Hopefully most of the rooms will be booked by your guests but it would be rude to even mention it to them, let alone tell them it's a condition of attending.

It's only half the guests that are 300 miles away- where DP is from, the other half are Edinburgh and central Scotland. For that venue, it's far enough away that most people would chose to stay over.

DP and his friends would love to play 9 holes in the morning and I'd love a spa to relax and spend some time with my mum, sister etc. We want to be able to back a weekend of it.

That doesn't necessarily need to be at the hotel though.

Basically you are saying:

"Please come to our wedding. As well as paying for petrol, trains, flights or perhaps a combination of these, clothes, presents, and taking a lot of time to celebrate our wedding, you will need to find £75 each to spend on accommodation or you can't come. And no you can't try to economise on accommodation because you'll be thrown out."

Think how that comes across?

I know YOU like it, you want the spa, your family are willing to do X, Y & Z. Well - they're your FAMILY. They love you A LOT. Everyone only has so many people in their immediate family and are generally willing to go further for them then they would for others. But think about the people who really like you, would love to come to your wedding but just don't think a wedding tax on £150-£375 (thinking of couples and families) on top of the usual cost is a kind thing to impose.

Hopefully most of the rooms will be booked by your guests but it would be rude to even mention it to them, let alone tell them it's a condition of attending.

But it is a condition of then attending-the hotel will not allow non resident guests to come to the wedding.

That hotel and rule is going to make your wedding painful to organise and not sit well with your guests.

The whole point of a wedding is for the bride/groom (or their parents) to host and to celebrate the event. A priority in hosting a celebration is the comfort and convenience of your guests (or it used to be!). Which should come way higher up the list than a golf course and no funny shaped rooms!

You seriously prioritise your dh wanting a quick round of golf over 70 quests being forced to stay overnight or not attend?

Is Dundas castle nice ?

Itsmine- not ruling out venues we've been to just because, more that there are none that I've been to and thought it was brilliant sadly.

Re gifts- we definitely wouldn't expect any, no lists, no £ requests etc etc we know that weddings are expensive

Dundas castle is one we've just organised to see, will look at winton suggestion too, I've never heard of it

Re gifts- we definitely wouldn't expect any, no lists, no £ requests etc etc we know that weddings are expensive
To be honest, that's not really relevant because I don't know anyone who turns up to a wedding without a gift. It's just not the done thing.

So basically, it's not that every guest that's coming has to stay, it's that they require you to cover the cost of a minimum number of rooms as part of the wedding package. Cheeky but not unknown at all.

Are they proposing an accommodation charge per room or per head?
Are they offering a reduced rate?
Is breakfast included or is that £40 a head on top?
Can they accommodate children in rooms on camp beds without additional charges? [there is a usually a max number]
What is the actual ratio of rooms to guests?

If you subtract children from the headcount? How many rooms are left?

I guess it was more about the tone of the whole weekend so spa, golf, relaxed 'weekend away' feel rather than just a hotel
Wedding. 32 guests each, half of these are close family, then 8 couples each- 75% would have no problem... But I don't want to upset people.

For clarity the pp price is adult only, family rooms aren't more expensive.

Tread...

Per room
Slightly reduced
Breakfast included as is access to all facilities
No extra for kids
We're looking at c. 32rooms for guests

Dalmahoy Marriott?

Winton House is fab - my brother got married there in 2014. It's a private house, they only do 12 or so weddings a year and the family move out for the weekend. Its not a hotel. The rooms are absolutely beautiful.

If my budget had been £££, I LOVED Lennoxlove.

Dundee Castle is amazing but £££

This is one of the looniest things I've ever heard!! I wouldn't give my business to a place with such an odd and blatantly money grabbing ethos.

An invite like that would almost certainly upset some people in most people's group of friends/extended family.

Sounds like you have to decide if you want that wedding more than you want to upset some of your friends/family.

Perhaps you could speak directly to everyone who would be concerned about it and explain the situation and ask for their honest opinion?

The hotel is being unreasonable and putting you in an awkward position. I would call them and tell them that you love the hotel but there is now way that you can insist on all your guests staying.

Maybe try and negotiate a lower proportion of guests that have to stay, then you could tell your guests that you are subsidising say 15 rooms to make it cheaper for anyone that wants to stay at the venue to stay, first come first served, then also get list together of other local hotels etc.

It is was a good friend I would be happy to spend £150 on a room in a luxurious place that we wouldn't usually afford but not everyone will feel that way if there is a travelodge for £50.

If the hotel don't budge on this I wouldn't stay there. There will be plenty of others just as nice that aren't so awkward.

Honestly I wouldn't even be considering it if it hadn't been truly wonderful every time I've been. Faultless service, nothing too much trouble without being stuffy or OTT. It's the one place that I relax as soon as I arrive because everything is always perfect.

Lily I'll have a look at those, thank you.

The venue are being very U. They are expecting you to pay for the rooms to avoid avoid any uncomfortable situations with your potential guests. Personally, I would be giving it a miss if I was sent such an invitation.

All of your guests have to stay at the venue? That's ludicrous...So 'if you don't stay you can't come'?

I'd personally find somewhere else, it isn't worth the hassle and I'd be really annoyed as a guest!!!

YABVU.

If the wedding is only for you, have it wherever you want it with just you and close family/witnesses then have a celebration party somewhere convenient for guests.

If the wedding is also for friends and family you can't possibly be this rude and expect them to fork out anything for a hotel stay. You'll need to find another venue.

I can't see that you can do it any way except to pay for it all and gift people the rooms. So if you can't afford to pay for all guests attending then the venue is out. If your close family don't mind paying then let them see it as helping towards paying for the wedding rather than the room.

If you were a close family member then I would find the money, even though there are 5 of us so it would be very expensive. However I know my sister even though she would love to go just wouldn't be able to afford it.