It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

If the rooms are £150 each and you have 70 guests, that's an extra 10,500, if you can easily afford that, than go for it, but it's a big waste tbh.

I feel so sorry for you OP cause I stayed at Gleneagles before Christmas and it is amazing! Totally stunning I can see how you would be gutted about this rule!

Have you thought of hotel du vin or malmaison hotels? We got married at One Devonshire and it was fab.

I've been trying to think of places that are in the same amazingness as Gleneagles! Cameron House or House for an Art Lover? Or The Cruin at Loch Lomond? Tigerlilly in Edinburgh, not sure if they do weddings though.

Disco- I've answered the points, it's that rooms must be paid for, of course people can exercise free will and leave
You said that all rooms must be booked and you had to stay there. If people can exercise free will and leave, well, that's slightly better.
Surely you can see though that you are being MASSIVELY unreasonable to say that everyone has to pay for a room at your venue?!
Sorry if it sounds blunt, but you have the wedding you can afford. If the hotel is saying all the rooms have to be booked, then YOU'RE the one that pays for them. You can't force your guests to pay for them and stay, especially ones that live nearby!
It should be all about the wedding, you've completely lost sight of what's important.

Let's break it down here we got the costs of travel some flights how much will that be costing OP? We got outfits say 50-75 for the couple, car hire costs to get down to the venue (prices dependant on type car 80-120) money for alcohol about 75-100 for the couple regardless of you providing wine people always have a perfence what they drink and for the day and evening that amount can be easily spent between 2 people. People will always bring a present regardless if you say not to about 30-50pounds. Then on top of your venue require them to stay for £150 which is a lot for accommodation. Regardless if they require accommodation they are cheaper places to stay which can be booked in advance at a better rate. So looking at those figures without knowing the costs of the flights per person. It's far too much to expect people to folk out that much for accommodation onto of everything else they are paying to attend. They should be able to source affordable accommodation themselves not be told where to stay even if your subsizing half of the cost. You do come across ask bridezilla. Everyone said your being unreasonable yet you seem set on this place. As I said what does a place really matter surely it's marrying the people you love. I'm afraid if you book this place you may find after people have looked at the costs of everything added together they will decline and you will find you have a lower guest list. I would only pay that type of money for family. Regardless if was a close friend I couldn't afford such an large amount on one day. People don't see your wedding as a gateway and a weekend break.

£300 per room is not even a discounted rate - what time of year are you looking at? Between November and Feb (excluding Christmas/NY and holidays etc) Gleneagles always offer deals. Have you considered renting the Glenmor cottages and putting larger groups in there? We visit Gleneagles every year (mother has a Glenmor week) and it is fabulous but very expensive. The spa btw - the nice Espa one not the swimming pool/jacuzzi bit free to all - can only be accessed by forking out minimum £90 for a facial.

Oriunda standard rate is 375 a room, 'wedding rate' is 325. It's October. Not asked about lodges but will ask. I just meant the normal spa bit, unless anyone chose to use other- which I suspect some would.

Wow not even £150, its £325 , you really cannot afford it op, if you are having difficulty paying for all your guests. Thats £22,750 op that you and your dh will have to pay, on top of your wedding. I am glad you are looking at other more reasonable venues.

Yes, we could cover the £175 per room to bring it down to £150 within budget but not all

It's 325 per room not per person

Yes, we could cover the £175 per room to bring it down to £150 within budget but not all*

So you are expecting guests to pay £150 per room for a place they have no choice over.

I have a feeling you will get a lot of declines imo.

I know of someone else who had this clause many years ago though. Many declined to attend.

That's the whole point of the thread...

Face it, if you have to resort to doing what you are doing, you cannot afford it. You will unfortunately get quite a few declines and feathers ruffling. You said that people do not live locally and have to travel to your venue, presents, outfit, accommodation, so it's not only £150, they will have to pay but other things on top, that's a huge ask.

Even then you are paying £12k for absolutely no reason! I am gobsmacked you would consider this. Imagine the honeymoon you could have for that! Unless you can cover the whole cost of the rooms without batting an eyelid you really can't do this. Surely its more important to have all the people you want there than to get married at Gleneagles? Sounds like the venue is more important than your friends which is really very sad

I think your heart is set on this place, reading into your responses - you will look at other places but there will always be something you find that is wrong about them.
You will never find the perfect wording that means all your potential guests think you have done the right thing.
One camp of guests will be ok with declining (and thinking what a cheek).
Another will think it's a bargain and be more than happy for you to subsidise their weekend.
I suspect the majority will be very polite to you but will fork out as they are your close family and friends. It will be the talk of the wedding but it will be kept from you as most people I find have good manners. They will be miffed that their personal plans have had to be cut back to afford your special day.
If many are flying surely they will be coming the night before, because how could they get ready or join in with your golf/spa activities with a standard after lunch check in? Are you only subsidising the night of the wedding? That adds on 375 to the 150 so a couples room only bill will be 525 - for your out of town friends.
The local friends will only have the 150 cost because maybe they can get ready at home and drive up in their finery but they might still be miffed as they normally would have other options - taxi home or travelodges for 6 ish.
I think you are thick skinned enough to cope with that - you are worried about what people will think but not enough to change what your heart is set on - it's your special day and needs to be primarily what you want from your posts. Learn to accept it - from what I read on here there are more and more weddings that are this style and it is becoming the norm so it shouldn't be too difficult to come to terms with.

OP I have the feeling you would be happy to cover the cost if it was within your budget? Is there any way, as someone suggested previously, you could cut costs for anything else for the wedding, enabling you to pay for the rooms? Or is that impossible, or you wouldn't want to (can understand if you wouldn't want to)

It was me who said I was getting married in a registry office, followed by favourite restaurant followed by drinks/catering at parents.

Couple of things - it's not 'what I wanted' per SE. I didn't really want anything except to get married, celebrate with my nearest and dearest with good food and free-flowing drinks - most importantly 'hosted by us' i.e. no expense to guests.

My parents' don't have a big garden btw - think average 3 bed semi. 2 reception rooms a kitchen-diner and small garden - the 50 of us will be spread out in those spaces.

Anyway, my wedding choices isn't the point I was making. It was more about losing sight of what it's about, focussing only on 'your' perfect day, and incurring expense on guests. To me, that's being a bridezilla. Sorry.

Sounds like you're having a rethink anyway and considering your guests more, which is good.

Fwiw, I'd bloody love to take my small wedding party to a lovely country house for the weekend and have an all-inclusive wedding there - and we could (just) do it BUT I'm not up for spending 30k+ on one day - that's too bigger chunk of our income/savings to justify, ...and from what you've said, same applies to you.

Sometimes we have to realise we're not celebrities, and can't afford their lifestyle ;)

Second Brick Loch Green in Troon is lovely! And with Royal Troon just close by should be ok for golfers! But ruddy hell, the 'spa' bit would only really be access to pool,sauna etc at Gleneagles, ouch!

Although if anyone else watched. 4inabed this week it's still cheaper than Martin's B&B!

I think it is much more than just about the money for the rooms and only allowing admittance to guests who stay over. It's the principle of being told where to stay which is the real issue - even people who could easily afford it, or are prepared to pay, may be offended at the venue's ridiculous rules.

I have only heard of this once before at a wedding and I think many of the guests did not quite believe residents only rule imposed by the venue. On the day there were 3 sets of people for whom the finances were not a problem, but were not prepared to stay over:
1 . a couple whose child was ill, and although able to come to the wedding, were not prepared to leave the child overnight and therefore did not want to stay in the hotel.

1. an elderly people who lived locally and wanted to get back home to their own bed (quite a common reason)
2. a couple that had to work the next day, and again though able to attend the wedding, needed to leave to drive home that night.

Also there were quite a few people who did not want to stay, as their preference would have been to stay somewhere else, so they could have time and breakfast for themselves the next day, rather than continue to mingle with other guests from the wedding.

The above caused many arguments on the day as wedding guests were refused admittance, and tears from the bride who wanted the elderly couple (I think either her grandparents or a aunt and uncle) to see her married but were turned away because of not staying overnight.

The fallout from the above rages on many years later. And no I did not attend, because I could not afford the hotel's rates - though would have been able to attend had I been allowed to stay at a nearby Travel Lodge.

Good luck, OP, but I honestly feel if you go ahead you (or rather the venue) will create a lot of unhappy guests. YOU may have the perfect day, but your guests won't. I guess it comes down to priorities, is it more important to have what you want as a couple knowing you will upset many guests, or settle on another venue that may not have a spa/golf course but one in which your guests could enjoy the freedom of deciding whether to stay or not. It's a non brainer for me.

Have you spoken about your dilemma to people in real life? Your parents, his parents, your close friends?

If you can already afford the £175 per room (more than £6K), is there any way reasonably that you can get the additional £5K together? If you talk to both sets of parent about the venue, your dreams and the costs would their answer be "of course you should do it - what a fabulous place - all our family would love it and we would be willing to contribute £2.5K to make it possible" OR would they say "don't be ridiculous, think what good use you could put that £6K of your budget towards in the future - all our family will have a splendid day wherever your wedding is, just because we love you."

Or maybe your parents have already made a contribution towards the costs and they would be sad to think of you in this dilemma. You may be surprised how much all the other wedding costs will add up to. Do you have contingency to cover all of that as well as subsidise your guests accommodation? However your guests feel, you don't want to be in a position where YOU feel resentful on your wedding day because subsidising great aunt Matilda's room has meant you had to cut corners on flowers, or music for your ceremony, or your photographer / video. Or even worse that you overstretch yourself and then have to compromise on your life choices over the next couple of years.

At the end of the day, the best weddings are those where the atmosphere is wonderful - that is the atmosphere created by the couple and their guests, not the venue. Spend money on creating a wonderful personal ceremony, and on adding eclectic touches to your day - things that reflect the two of you and which bring a smile to your faces and the faces of those who know you and love you.

What would your really close friends advise? If the food and a wow venue is important to you what do they suggest? If they know you well they may be able to come up with some lovely ideas.

If you think 75% of your guests would choose to stay anyway why not pay up front for all the rooms and then take the calculated risk that 75% will choose to pay for rooms. Therefore you never have to have an awkward conversation with your guests about where they have to stay. You can talk to the hotel about this arrangement and say you're paying up front and if guests pay too then they are buying the rooms back from you, just explain its easier for you this way. The location gets what it wants, you get the venue you want without ever having to discuss this with your guests and minimum I'm guessing half your guests will choose to pay and stay there so it should all work it for your budget. Can you afford to do this and pay up front knowing you'll get some money back?

If you can already afford the £175 per room (more than £6K), is there any way reasonably that you can get the additional £5K together? If you talk to both sets of parent about the venue, your dreams and the costs would their answer be "of course you should do it - what a fabulous place - all our family would love it and we would be willing to contribute £2.5K to make it possible" OR would they say "don't be ridiculous, think what good use you could put that £6K of your budget towards in the future - all our family will have a splendid day wherever your wedding is, just because we love you."

But what about the people who because of their own personal circumstances do not wish, or simply cannot, stay overnight (in the hotel or elsewhere)? To the OP and her close family the wedding is one of the most important day of their lives. But other to other more distant family and friends it is not so important, and they have their own lives and their own circumstances, and may (for a mutlitude of reasons) simply want to travel home that night?

But falling270, the price of a double room is £325. It's unlikely that 75% of guests will choose to pay for this.

The OP was talking about subsidising the rooms so they cost £150. If she does still do this, paying half the value of 75% of the rooms, plus the full price for the unoccupied 25%, is going to be a fair whack. There's also plenty of scope for bad feeling: if she mentions that she's paying to block-book 32 rooms, many people will feel obliged to stay. If she doesn't mention it, there'll be a bizarre situation where 25% of guests are getting taxis and paying for other accommodation... when there are empty, paid-for rooms upstairs.

That's why this is a shitty policy for a wedding venue. Either guests are indirectly paying for the venue, or the bride and groom are wasting a lot of money. House wins either way. Totally agree with others that it's a clear sign of 'if you baulk at this, you probably can't afford us'.

Yeah Babooshka you're probably right I was just trying to think of a way to make it work but the long and short of it is it's basically a high end venue and the cost is more than the OP can afford. OP if you want the venue you need to find the money for the rooms and not ask your guests to subsidise your dream day.

I haven't read the full thread so sorry if it's already been mentioned. What about the Macdonald Cardona Hotel, Spa and Golf course in Peebles. It's 49 minutes (30 miles from Edinburgh airport)