It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

I'm going to go against the grain OP.

You love this venue (not surprised, wow!!) and because it is the place it is, they can impose whichever rules they want. People will wed and stay there, I'm sure you've understood everything perfectly. Isn't it Michelin star?

My suggestion would be book the venue, tell the people you know can't afford it that you'll help them out if needed and make it very clear that you do not want gifts. Also, lay on the booze, or as much booze as you possibly can along with maybe airport transfers, do a deal with a local cabbie if needs be. It's little things that help people want it and come to it.

Also, do a local to the girls hen do so you're not asking more of folks.

It's your wedding, do what you want. Fingers crossed we only do it once xx

Gin - having read the full thread it seems you really don't want to change and I can understand why, but the fact is some people really cannot afford it and you can't afford to pay for them. If I was on your guest list you would probably think I would pay for the room as I can afford it but I wouldn't be willing to - you may have a few like this on your list.

You say these are your closest family and friends - if so then they probably really want to celebrate your wedding with you. However, the ones who can't afford it will be excluded because of the cost. If I was close to you that would really upset me- I had to miss the day because I'm not rich enough. Do you really want to upset people in that way? Of course it is your day but people do see weddings as a family and friends get together and aside from actually getting married that really the best part, everyone celebrating together. That's what I remember from our wedding the most - not the view, not the meal, not the 'specialness' of the place - but the specialness of the people. It would have been awful to think we had family or friends who would have loved to celebrate with us but couldn't because of the cost.

I'm wondering how you know who can and can't afford it. On the surface I can but would I rather save it or spend it or something else....that's just me thinking about a subbed room at £75. Or would it be £150 for a single guest?

Totally agree with LeMesner

If I received an invitation to a wedding at Gleneagles I would think 'Ooh, it would be lovely and convenient to stay there, let me check out how much it costs and whether we can afford it.' And I might decide to make a little weekend break of it and splash out.

If the invitation said I HAD to stay there, it would put my back up so much that I wouldn't want to, even if I could afford it. That's the problem here OP - the fact you won't be giving guests a choice.

It's rude. Because what it comes down to is that you're telling your family and closest friends that you value the venue more than their company.

With the best will, you are talking about hosting a weekend away, that you can't afford. Could you do stags and hens at Gleneagles or honeymoon there? Get married at Edinburgh townhall.

I'd guessed it was Gleneagles from your first post. It's an amazing place because it has rules like wedding guests must have a room (whether used or not, which I'm sure cuts down on wandering pissed guests trying to get a taxi/causing mayhem ) and it's expensive because of the service and surroundings.
But don't email people a room rate and say golf is included. Guests get a discount, but it still can cost up to £145 a round

Haven't been to a lot of the alternatives, but I have been to weddings at the Norton house and Houston house...

Norton house is nice, nice atmosphere, good food...Houston house is, not worth what they charge, the food wasn't great either time and the bar prices are horrendous, they are next door to a golf club though.

Just to add , if you are looking for alternatives I know Dundas Castle very well from before it was a wedding venue. It's an absolutely beautiful place, the ceremony can be held in the keep which is a wonderful location. It doesn't have some of your criteria but does have golf, and some rooms and plenty of rooms are available nearby in Queensferry. You can spend your wedding night in the boathouse which is lovely (if you could perhaps arrange for DC to spend the night in the main castle with a relative). I can't comment on weddings there regarding organisation, food etc., but it really is a great place (I don't want to say how I know it so well as it really would out me but PM me if you want more details - can say I'm not family or any similar connection).

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable but not to Bridezilla level - you are thinking about your guests, it's just sometimes when you are planning you can get so caught up in part of it - in your case you really love the venue - so much that it can overtake everything else. You sound nice and considerate, and therefore I can almost guarantee that if you have it at Gleneagles and some people don't come because of that when YOU ( not your guests) look back at the day and the photos with people missing you will wish you had done it differently.

I'm sorry but there is no way I would be held to ransom and pay at least £150 per room for DH and I.

Can you make a calculated financial risk, pay for all the rooms and ask for wishing well/cash present? 32 rooms at 300 a room is nearly 10K, but if you were willing to subside half, you'd be risking the other 5Kthat guests would otherwise be paying (a lot, but let's face it, the wedding is costing a lot more that that!). Is my math correct here?

Then with invites say:

"Our choice of venue comes with the condition that all guests must be resident at the hotel. Therefore, we have booked accommodation for you at no cost to you - this accommodation includes X,Y,Z. But in lieu of a wedding gift, we would appreciate a contribution to the room cost, whatever amount you would like to donate would be gratefully appreciated."

Surely most family and friends would donate at least 100-200quid, even those that want to give a "keepsake present" would donate something towards the room.

Hopefully then, the talk will be of the odd requirement of the venue, but how generous you were, and what a lovely time was had by all.

Jenny70, sorry, but i think your suggestion (and those like it) are extremely rude.

The wedding gift is entirely separate from the invitation. Gifts should not even be mentioned in the invitation. I am at the idea of asking people to pay a 'contribution' to the room instead of a gift. What a horrible position to put people in, left trying to figure out how much you've paid and what you're expecting as a contribution.

I cannot believe the lengths some people will go to in order to have what they want, at all costs. OP, these people are your GUESTS. You offer them hospitality, you pay!!

You're being v bridezilla about the venue. You're putting guests in a 'position' and it's not fair. You also seem to ne forgetting what it's all really about - and that isn't spa/golf/room layouts...

I am getting married a week today. We are good earners. Our guests won't pay a thing. All we're doing though is a registry office wedding (local), meal in our favourite restaurant, followed by drinks/catering at my parents' house. All paid for by us. No costs to guests. We've also specified no gifts - we don't need anything - just come and celebrate with us.

I think you need a rethink. Hope you find a solution that works for you both and your guests...

The 'we have booked accommodation at no cost to you... but... well... if you'd like to pay something towards the room, that would be great' thing is mortifying! Everyone is going to feel obliged to pay, if you say that, so 'at no cost to you' sounds very fake and boasty.

If you are dead set on this venue, have you considered a smaller guest list so you could cover the cost of the rooms? Or putting the wedding back a year so you can save to afford paying for your guests to stay there? Could you cut down in your other costs (dress, photographer etc).

There is no way you can insist guests stay there unless it's free for them So if you really want this venue (which sounds knobbish btw), you might have to make sacrifices elsewhere. It depends how important the location is to you?

Op if you do book that venue, be prepared to have a very small wedding, because most people would decline, unless they were your nearest and dearest. You are being a huge bridezilla, that is a very big ask of your guests, and you should never dictate where your guests stay at your wedding, especially if they are paying, very rude and unacceptable.

There are some fantastic suggestions on here, but you are being rather childish about them, no don't like the history, don't like the ceremony room, no don't like this or that! Its like a child who wants a certain toy and will not budge. In years, you will look back on this an cringe, and think why did I ever even think about this! Think long and hard op, do you want the venue of your choice, but to do what you are doing and run the risk of people not being able to come and resenting you, or being an adult and compromising, so that you get a nice venue, but you have everyone that you want there! Think about it op!

Op if you do book that venue, be prepared to have a very small wedding, because most people would decline, unless they were your nearest and dearest.

That may be true for some people, but not necessarily for everybody. Some families and groups of friends have a culture or expectation that they will easily spend £150 on a room for the wedding venue. As I have said upthread, that is around what I would expect to pay for weddings of cousins or friends - and at hotels that are nowhere near as nice as Gleneagles. It generally wouldn't occur to me to stay at a hotel other than the wedding venue unless there wasn't enough room.

I agree however that the fact the OP has posted this perhaps suggests that some of her group of family or friends may not expect to spend this amount. I also think that it is an odd rule to impose on guests who live close to the venue and it is difficult to see how that issue can be resolved - I would be annoyed at being required to pay for a room when I could otherwise get home in a taxi for £20 or so.

Apart from that last point, however, I still don't quite see the difference between the OP's proposal and people who get married abroad and ask guests to book flights or accommodation.

andinto op has said, that not everybody can afford it. It is quite a rude thing to ask, so might get people's backs up, especially they have to pay for travel, outfit, hotel, present etc

If it is abroad, than people make the decision to go, or not, depending on their expenses. You are not dictating to people that they have to stay in said hotel, abroad people might source a local cheap guesthouse, not an expensive hotel room.

If op is doing this, it has to be an option, not a must.

If it is abroad, than people make the decision to go, or not, depending on their expenses

But why is that any different? Weddings abroad will cost far more than £150 (plus travel to Edinburgh) so are far less inclusive than inviting everyone away to Gleneagles for the night at a 50% subsidised rate.

Similarly, hen and stag dos abroad are now very common. They will nearly always dictate that people stay in the same hotel as the bride or groom to be.

OP - you have this idea in your head of a lovely relaxed spa/golf weekend with a wedding to top it off. Realistically though to achieve this you need your guests to stay for 2 nights. If you are expecting guests to do the spa/golf on the day they arrive when would they fit it in? Even with a late afternoon ceremony you are expecting people to fit in getting there, check in, lunch, change for activity, activity itself, changing for ceremony. Not really relaxed at all especially as they will have to fit in with Gleneagle's rules on check in/lunch timings and will have constantly have one eye on the time.

If you think they will use the spa/golf on the sunday would that be before or after check out? Either way it's going to be rushed or again one eye on the time if they have to travel - especially for those with a flight to catch. Plus you are asking your guests presumably to fund the costs of a round on the course and treatments in the spa.

As a pp said it does come across that you value the venue more than your guests. There is no way of determining what your guests can afford that isn't difficult all round. I would definitely opt for Gleneagles for the stag/hen as it is easier for those who can't/won't pay for it to bow out gracefully and will achieve the relaxed weekend you've set your heart on. You can then have the ceremony somewhere that actually wants to host a wedding on your budget.

Balbirnie house hotel in Fife is wonderful.
http://www.balbirnieweddings.co.uk

Gleneagles don't actually want you to have your wedding there if you can't afford to pay for a room for every guest.

This hits the nail on the head.

They can afford to be picky about their customers.

They wants people with £££ who will spend £££ on drinks, extra tips, extra golf, spa treatments, an extra night, a room upgrade.

There's a list of venues near Edinburgh.

hfofs.co.uk/humanist-wedding-ceremonies/wedding-venues/edinburgh-lothians/