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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
Alexa444 · 22/04/2016 08:03

I don't think you are. I wouldn't like this kid either, sounds like a brat. But that is her mother's fault, tbf, not hers. Clearly no discipline going on there.

MiaowTheCat · 22/04/2016 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaddyHatter · 22/04/2016 08:09

Ah, the joy of a threenager. 3yo are notorious little assholes.
It will pass in time.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/04/2016 08:09

Don't decide whether to have kids of your own based on this experience OP, the good outweighs the bad that's how you're able to put up with the crappy times when they're a PITASmile

TheoriginalLEM · 22/04/2016 08:09

there are many forms of childish and demanding behaviour!

To be fair though i don't like one of my friends children and i did limit contact as i just found him too much.

AppleMagic · 22/04/2016 08:11

I've had a 3 and a 1 year old and life did seem to revolve around the 3 year old with the 1 year old just along for the ride.

Now I have a 4 and a 2 year old, it's the 2 year old who commands most of my attention (he's the one most likely to hurt himself/trash the house/run away etc if not given 100% attention).

Cantusethatname · 22/04/2016 08:11

You will like your own, I promise.
And yours won't be perfect and they will annoy other people. But it sounds like your friend is letting her daughter down. Everyone needs to know that if you are charming and good company you do better than if you are a total nightmare, and 3 is not too young to learn that.
I

MrsJayy · 22/04/2016 08:12

It sounds like you just dont understand or like children very much which is fine I suppose this little child is being allowed to behave like this for whatever reason her mother is lifting her and putting up with her little girls behaviour because she is 3 and sometimes they act like this maybe you should stay away for a while.

Embarrassed87 · 22/04/2016 08:16

No OP.

IMO you are not being unreasonable. I can't stand bratty, badly behaved children and saying 'oh but poor little special snowflake is only 3 and is jealous of her little sibling' doesn't make her behaviour any better or less annoying.

I have disliked being around a lot of children. I don't care if that makes me a bad person.

Giggorata · 22/04/2016 08:16

My friend's daughter was just like this little girl & visiting was quite a challenge! She clearly didn't want anyone else around her mum, older brother included. She is the younger child in the family.
I found her/her behaviour thoroughly dislikeable & admired her unflappable mother. Unfortunately, things never changed. Even now, as an adult, she demands her own way, picks loud arguments with her mum & blackmails her with threats of withdrawing access to grandchildren. Still can't like her.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 08:17

I was the mother with that baby and tantrumming 3yo. Eventually it turned out a lot of her insecurity was caused by undiagnosed SN. She needed that extra attention to cope with having been dealt an unusually tough hand.

Did I need friends to feel sorry for me because she was such hard work? No, I did not. I did a job that I was bloody good at and which I knew was important and I got satisfaction from that. It may have been harder than the job done by some other mothers, but the end result is an adult daughter that any mother could be proud of and a well adjusted younger sibling who has a great relationship to his sister.

I did find they were both whiny at 3, though; ime that is the whiniest age. Miaow sums it up perfectly:

"Terrible twos = piece of utter piss.

Three = fucking awful and in a real beyond awful at times. Very very whiny, challenging, demanding - they've just started to realise there's a world beyond them and mummy in the world and they're trying to manipulate it/are bloody pissed off at the cheek of it!"

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/04/2016 08:20

She doesn't sound bratty to me she sounds like an upset and frustrated wee girl.

lottielou7 · 22/04/2016 08:27

YABU. Although it seems to me you're lucky - you obviously don't have big enough problems of your own otherwise you wouldn't be seething to yourself about other peoples.

I think you should ask yourself why you harbour resentment towards a child who isn't much more than a baby though.

gatewalker · 22/04/2016 08:33

I get where you're coming from, OP, but in my case it's transference, and so is my own stuff: she reminds me of my younger sister when I was a kid. All the attention while I got none.

Our emotions are complex things.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 22/04/2016 08:33

OP, I'm with you, I find myself disliking NT 'bratty' children. But they do change and become easier as they get older, and I never tell or show the parent how I feel. It only annoyed me when the children's behaviour impacted negatively on mine and the parent did nothing. Other than that, a lot of teeth gritting and polite smiling!

Uncoping · 22/04/2016 08:34

Sorry, but, YANBU. [violent flaming]

My friend and I have DC of the same age (a month apart) and I really don't like being in the company of her child.

We have very different parenting techniques and her child is rude, volatile and demands all the attention of the room. It leaves the rest of us and my DC a bit put out.

Not much you can do though, they're 3. Horrible little buggers at the best of times!

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2016 08:34

Hmmm.... I agree she sounds like hard work. But then I remember my own threenager two years ago - it's a much worse age than the supposedly 'terrible twos'! I had one who liked to be carried - as he's got older I've just realised he's a softie who enjoys closeness. At 5 he's now capable of walking miles, still loves his cuddles on the sofa though. And yes I remember he was very demanding at 3. He's absolutely delightful now.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/04/2016 08:37

Lol @ Uncoping Grin

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/04/2016 08:37

It's like with the carrying business - I would carry the 3 yo for friend and then at least we'd have a child each but the tantrum that would evoke would be like a nuclear bomb. So my poor friend (who is titchy) has to stagger under the weight of two children while I stroll merrily by looking like a lazy cah

I don't understand why you can't offer to carry the baby? You've said the children don't leave your friend's sight, but if you're with her surely that's not a problem?

HPsauciness · 22/04/2016 08:41

Op, you have hit on a bit of a taboo, which is that for whatever reason, we don't all take to all children all of the time. I'm surprised at some of the responses on here, because usually it's perfectly normal on MN to declare you love your own children but don't like anyone elses. I think it's the personal nature: you don't like this particular child, which sticks in the throat.

However, I have had a similar experience a couple of times, I mostly do like other people's children, however every now and again I come across a child that I just don't take to, either because they are not very charming or they behave awfully or usually a combination of the two. Given I actively like 80% of the children I meet, I don't worry about it or ponder on it, it's just one of those things, like we don't always take to the adults we meet and it's not always rational. Some children, especially in a very difficult phase, are hard to like.

I wouldn't let this put you off having your own if you want them, most people do love their own children and find them appealing, though I have seen a mum struggle with liking/loving her own child, I think she did love her but she was very different than the mum had imagined she would be, she was also not very cute and although people don't like to talk about this and insist mums always think their children are beautiful and gorgeous, this is not always the case and her child was harder to love for her than she expected (I mean in combination with the permanent scowl, tantrums, general aggressiveness). I expect by now, the little girl has turned into a lovely 10 year old, these things don't stay the same.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 22/04/2016 08:42

Aw, didn't need to read very far on the thread to figure out OP doesn't have kids...YABU. This is why when you have dc your friends often change. Tbh, one of my former friends has no kids and life is completely, utterly and totally about her...fair enough but my life isn't about her at all. If you can't hack it, OP, go and hang out with child-free friends and then you won't have to fight for attention with a 3 year old Hmm

Theimpossiblegirl · 22/04/2016 08:42

I've thought 'stfu' too. As long as you don't actually say it it's a normal reaction to constant screaming and whining.

She's 3, it can be a horrible age. It sounds like your friend is knackered and worn down so is struggling to deal with it in public. She may be trying to avoid further public tantrums by giving in.

Have you tried bribery? Ime, 3 year olds are easily bought. A bit of sparkly plastic tat, some colouring stuff, anything like that might shut her up for a bit and distract her. As she gets older, you may find you get on really well.

HPsauciness · 22/04/2016 08:45

I also think you should appreciate the fact that despite the children clinging to her and generally making life hard, this friend is making a huge effort to see you. It would be much easier for her to stay at home and not bother. Long conversations are just out of the window with an under 1 year old and 3 year old. This will again change with time, though, my 10 and 12 year old can't be seen for dust now and I can once again have long coffees with good friends.

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/04/2016 08:46

HP I think a lot of posters react so strongly to someone disliking a child because it implies that there may be people out there secretly disliking THEIR children as well.

I can't get too het up over the possibility. I know that DS1 is the favourite amongst my friends - it's pretty obvious to me, if not to the DC. However DS2 is starting to win fans as he grows out of the bloody-irratating phase and into the charm-on-a-stick one. These things evolve.

Whathaveilost · 22/04/2016 08:49

OP I get you!
I've had children and on the whole enjoyed the toddler stage. Don't let this put you off maybe having your own.
Over the years I have had many friends who have had children this age. Some I have adored but one or two I couldn't take to and even as they have become adults I still don't like them deep down. I pretend I am interested for the sake of my lovely friend but I do believe it is the way that they have been brought up and disciplined as made them the adults they are.

I understand it is a two way street and there maybe friends who think the same of my kids, who knows. However that's just the way it is.