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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
Cheby · 22/04/2016 06:55

'Stfu brat'

YAB incredibly U.

Duckdeamon · 22/04/2016 06:55

Assume you don't have DC!

As a PP says it's not unreasonable to dislike spending time with a toddler, but U to blame/dislike her. The things you mention don't justify it at all.

With respect to your friend choosing to physically carry the 3yo rather than insist she uses the buggy or walks, and to give her what she wants rather than waiting (and dealing with tantrums about these things), that might not be how I'd handle it , but it's not OK to comment to friends on their parenting!

waitingforsomething · 22/04/2016 06:56

Lots of babies have to fit in with other siblings, I am one of them and I have no long term damage. My older sister was very difficult!
If you do decide to have children one day I hope nobody writes on an internet forum about not liking yours as it's pretty unkind. Most children will have episodes of less than ideal behaviour at that sort of age.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:56

The problem is Contessa I would, for my friend and younger child's sake, but I doubt, seriously doubt she would let me ('she' referring to 3yo and friend.)

It's like with the carrying business - I would carry the 3 yo for friend and then at least we'd have a child each but the tantrum that would evoke would be like a nuclear bomb. So my poor friend (who is titchy) has to stagger under the weight of two children while I stroll merrily by looking like a lazy cah Grin

A typical 'conversation' is just 'I WANT I WANT I WANT' - even when she's been given the thing she wants! So 'I WANT MY DOLLY' 'here you go, here is dolly' and she will continue screaming she wants dolly when she is HOLDING dolly!

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/04/2016 06:57

inside I am thinking 'stfu, brat.'

This is disgraceful, how hurt your friend wpuld be if she knew!

How insecure doss one have to be tp be jealous of a toddler?!Confused

I don't think this friendship is working for you anymore OP, perhaps you should call it a day for your friends sake. You sound horrible

Pseudo341 · 22/04/2016 06:57

Not all toddlers are the same, neither are all parents. Two of my friends both their first child in the same year as I did so we used to get together quite often. One of my friends simply could not say no to her child, she gave in to every single tantrum. Admittedly the kid was always going to be hard to manage, she was unusually clever and it showed from a very early age, but her mum never made any attempt to control her behaviour at all. After a while the other friend and I started having the occasional meet up without her (not all the time I hasten to add). We felt terrible, I love my friend dearly and am genuinely very fond of her little girl, but it just wasn't fair on the other kids. She has got a bit easier now she's older, but last I knew she still wouldn't go to bed until 10 or 11 at night, she's 6 now.

It sounds like your friend is struggling to cope with a difficult toddler and a new baby, she must be very stressed. The little girl must be very stressed too. Young children need boundaries to help them feel safe. If she's getting exactly what she wants all the time she'll feel completely at sea poor thing. Coupled with the fact that there's a younger baby taking her mummy away. Young children have no perspective, if her mum spends 4 hours playing with her and 10 minutes dealing with the baby it will be the 10 minutes with the baby that will stick in her mind and make her think she's been usurped.

I agree with whoever suggested you offer to babysit a bit. If you hold the baby for a while then 3yo can have some exclusive mummy time, and then have it carefully explained to her that it's baby's turn now when you swap over IFSWIM. Looking after a baby and a toddler together is really challenging, my angelic 3yo started hitting me when her little sister was born.

SabineUndine · 22/04/2016 06:57

Cross post, Cheby 😉

pearlylum · 22/04/2016 06:57

Ha ha, having a chuckle here.

I haven't read the whole thread, but obvious the OP has no children.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:58

Waiting, I'm just letting off steam as obviously (!) I would not ever dream of voicing this in RL!

If I do ever have children they will never scream, shout, interrupt, demand to be carried. Oh, and they will have no bottom at all.

Wink
OP posts:
RoganJosh · 22/04/2016 06:58

Is there much point in meeting up with her during the day? Why don't you just see her in the evening?

HackerFucker22 · 22/04/2016 06:58

You obviously don't own a 3 year old.

Mine is 3.5, impeccably behaved at preschool (and for others) but can be a monster for me.... and he is still sometime jealous of his 15mo younger sibling.

90% of the time he is great though, but the 10% he isn't is rough!!

Duckdeamon · 22/04/2016 06:59

Your friend doesn't HAVE TO carry her DC. She is making choices. She could decide not to meet you in the places this kind of stuff happens until DC1 has got over this stage, or just wait out the tantrum (btw 30 mins isn't all that unusual!) perhaps she is trying to please you as well as her DC1?

waitingforsomething · 22/04/2016 07:00

take the baby off her instead of the 3 year old then. The baby is less likely to object and the 3 year old gets a bit of time with her mum to herself.

Pseudo341 · 22/04/2016 07:00

inside I am thinking 'stfu, brat.'

I've thought this about my own kids at times. I love them to bits but they don't half get under my skin sometimes.

BatteryOperatedBoyfriend · 22/04/2016 07:01

She's 3! You don't have children.

My DD was a bit like that at 3, they are often a lot lot worse when mum is busy talking to a friend. It's all one big learning curve for them.

It will improve as she reaches school age.

It's really really quite normal. I bet she's not as bad at home.

curren · 22/04/2016 07:01

Yanbu. Imo.

I assume I am allowed an opinion as I have 2 kids, ages 12 and 5. Because it seems you aren't allowed an opinion on children unless you have them.

You don't dislike the child. You dislike the behaviour.

Dbro and Sil are in a similar situation to your friend. Except the younger one is 14 months. It's a nightmare. The older one is demanding and loves winding the younger one up, the younger one hates being near the older one and has already cottoned on to the fact the older one loves to steal her toys. So they end up wrestling over the toy. The older one is very slight and the younger very robust and strong.

It can be down to parenting or sometimes you can do all you can and its still like that. Unfortunately the older one has started half days at nursery and Sil has been spoken to everyday about her child's behaviour. Hitting, taking toys away, pushing, screaming etc.

I do think it's a bit down to jealousy but also down to the fact that Sil and dbro don't impose age appropriate consequences. They pander to him.

But I do get that too. They are so sick of the screaming they do whatever it takes to make it stop as fast as possible.

But yes the younger one gets ignored a lot. While they sort the older one. It won't be long before the older one realises tantrums get attention and I dread that happening to Sil and dbro.

It's not easy, but Yanbu to not want to be around it.

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:02

9 month old babies start to become very interesting to other people compared to a toddler, plus they start moving around and getting into spaces a toddler previously had to themselves.

The 3 year old, objectively, is 'annoying'. but she's a little person, who is learning, with the help and support of adults around her. I

It may be that giving in to her is counter-productive.

I think this has brought up strong feelings in you based on your own life. I know when I moved from one to two children it also brought stuff up for me. But parents, and adults in general have a responsibility to not let it cloud their thinking and judgment

But that's your 'stuff'. If you project your own emotions onto a small child you are being really unfair to them

WellErrr · 22/04/2016 07:02

You'll get a lot of pissy replies OP, but I don't like being around spoilt screamy children either. And id also feel sorry for the baby.

GrimmauldPlace · 22/04/2016 07:03

How long have you known your friend? If it's since her now 3yo was born, has she always behaved like this? Because 3 year olds are like this. Or the ones I know anyway. My DD is 3.5 now and is calming a lot but still has her moments, generally when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone that isn't her.

Do you live with them? If not, then you don't know what she's like all the time.

Some kids are a pain to be around, especially when they're not your own.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:03

I don't think I am jealous of the time the 3 yo takes up, or jealous is possibly the wrong word for that feeling. It's more frustration, on friends behalf rather than mine. Obviously my friend really loves her which is lovely, but since she isn't my daughter I don't. So I just see my friend having to carry and being shrieked at for hours at a time.

The problem is I never see her behaving 'nicely' (haha, maybe it's me) and so literally my only association with her is this screaming and demands. It really is an instinctive reaction!

It opens a can of worms in a different way, perhaps.

OP posts:
Narp · 22/04/2016 07:05

I agree with the suggestion to take the baby off.

Children, especially ones who are struggling, can be really astute about who really likes them and who doesn't. IME they behave worse for people who aren't relax or accepting of them. If you engage with the baby, you avoid that, and give the mum time with the toddler

RidersOnTheStorm · 22/04/2016 07:05

I agree with ^^.

I'd have to avoid them for fear of saying something. Poor baby.

DementedUnicorn · 22/04/2016 07:05

I don't have kids and to me it sounds like a normal wee toddler. Poor thing - you're attitude is appalling

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:05

relaxed

RidersOnTheStorm · 22/04/2016 07:06

OOPs cross posting. I was agreeing with Wellerr