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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 22/04/2016 08:49

I can't help wondering whether part of this issue is about the 3 year old picking up on your pretty obvious feelings towards her, children can play up more when they sense something is not quite right.
It may be that the mother is picking up on your body language and transmitting the tension she will be feeling when around you, to her DD.

It's OK not to like the behaviour of some children, but I think for all concerned it would kinder for you to distance yourself if you are unable to be a bit more positive and supportive.

Theimpossiblegirl · 22/04/2016 08:49

I think a lot of posters react so strongly to someone disliking a child because it implies that there may be people out there secretly disliking THEIR children as well.

That is absolutely spot on.
:)

dowhatnow · 22/04/2016 08:50

Why is it so politically incorrect to say you can't warm to a particular child. And the posters who say they would drop friends with if they felt they didn't like their child, well they may be the centre of your world, but they may look like/behave like brats to others.

It's perfectly OK for the op to feel those things. She's said she doesn't show it. She tries to engage with the child.
It is frustrating to watch a child dominate someone's attention, even if she is only three. It is annoying when you can see a child is being indulged when a bit of tough love/boundaries may improve the situation and it is hard when you don't get to spend any time with your friend because of children, even if you do understand the reason why. And why isn't she allowed to feel sorry for the baby?

Op, can you see your friend sometimes without the kids "so you get a chance to talk". I'm sure you won't disregard the kids completely but you can do with and without kids activities.

MrsJayy · 22/04/2016 08:51

Its ok not to like children or a child the problems start when you start resenting the child

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 22/04/2016 08:52

YAB partly U to say you 'don't like' a three year old. I agree that 3 year olds are very difficult...I've had my share of tantrums.

But I disagree with a LOT on this thread saying this is 'typical' 3 year old behaviour. It's really not IMO.

She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue - this is learned behaviour and if she stopped getting what she wanted when she screamed for it then she'd stop screaming for it pretty sharpish. One thing three year olds are generally is self-centred and much more aware than adults give them credit for. And giving your child what they want when they scream or shout or tantrum for it does not bode well for future behaviour.

dowhatnow · 22/04/2016 08:53

Both and by the way op - your own are different. Please don't let this one example put you off having kids.

blindsider · 22/04/2016 08:56

YANBU - what you feel about her is up to you, no one can change that (some people just grate Yes even 3 year olds) however if you start to treat her differently or show it then YABU.

Hope that helps Grin

user7755 · 22/04/2016 09:00

I think it is OK to not like a child's behaviour, they do go through awful stages. What isn't OK is to make judgements about people's parenting, even moreso when you don't have the remotest idea what it is like to be in that situation.

My kids are fucking irritating sometimes, my granddaughter can act like a precious princess - but that is because they are KIDS. They are learning about how to behave, they have to do this in order to work out how to function in the world - we all did. It will pass.

People who don't have kids can end up feeling like total twats when they have spent time being all 'I wouldn't do that' 'When I have kids, I won't do A,B and C', 'My kids won't do X,Y and Z' - then they have kids and realise what supercilious wankers they've been. I've done it, and cringe at the times that I told my sister with 2 kids under 2 how busy I was because I just didn't have time to go to the gym twice a day because I work full time

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2016 09:03

I generally don't much like other people's children. I know that's harsh but it's true - I've never been one to fawn over them. There are some exceptions of course but i do struggle on the whole. Except with my own, that is. He's obviously perfect and I'm sure everyone else feels the same Wink

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 09:03

I think the only thing I've said about her parenting is that she's lovely and calm!

Re the baby - friend doesn't really want anyone else having/holding the children (other than her DH.) I'm not just being horrible and watching them struggle!

It's hard to say really. As I've said, one of the problems is that it's pretty much constant and I have yet to see another 'side' to this little girl.

OP posts:
claraschu · 22/04/2016 09:07

There are way too many people on the planet. If the OP doesn't want kids, I would not try to talk her into having them.

CakeNinja · 22/04/2016 09:07

I already said upthread I think yanbu, but then as I continued reading, this little girl reminded me of my incredibly demanding strong willed brat niece at 3! She was an absolutely nightmare because she was pandered to by her parents. She was overly loud, dramatic, thuggish (kicked teachers at preschool when she didn't get her own way regularly), honestly so unpleasant to spend time around.
That didn't mean I didn't spend time with her, just that it was not enjoyable for quite some time.
She is now 18 and absolutely awesome. She's one of my favourite people to spend time with, hugely intelligent, great sense of humour.

This little girl might surprise you! But in the meantime, yanbu to find her a pita, funnily enough, you don't have to have had children to find a particular one hard work. It's not a parental privilege.

user7755 · 22/04/2016 09:11

I think the only thing I've said about her parenting is that she's lovely and calm!

It's very clearly implied though, that you are judging her parenting. In the first post alone you talk abut the fact that she carries the child everywhere and ignores the baby. You ask if she should discourage the behaviour, implying that she is not parenting effectively.

HPsauciness · 22/04/2016 09:12

All children are not adored by all adults they come into contact with, some people do seem to believe that everyone around them delights in their child and although some may (usually related people), every dinner lady, nursery carer, lady in the post office, your old friends, may just see a small screaming body and not really feel that warm towards them, especially if they are very shrieky and noisy. Noise has a visceral reaction, you can't help cringing/wanting to escape from it!

Just as you don't warm to every partner your good friends choose.

The polite thing to do is to carry on and say nothing, unless it totally ruins the friendship.

It's a shame if you conclude from one or two outings with a three year old screamer that you don't want your own children, it's not like that all the time at all.

DixieNormas · 22/04/2016 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/04/2016 09:15

It's hard work being that difficult (for her I mean) so I would imagine there's something else going on. Whether it's tiredness when you see her, still struggling with a sibling & worrying about mum's attention, stubbornness & inflexibility (ds3 still gets 'stuck' in unreasonableness) anxiety or whatever.

I thought toddlers were a piece of piss & that all it took was excellent parenting skills (like my own of course Wink ). Then I had ds3.

As I said he's now 11 and lovely. A real perfect Peter behaviour wise (still anxious, still stubborn as hell, but not hideous with it). Very caring & considerate of others.

Different children come with their own battles. If I'd just had ds2 I would have thought parenting was easy and a case of doimg it 'right' - luckily I have ds1 & ds3 to show me life & kids are a little more complicated

DixieNormas · 22/04/2016 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 22/04/2016 09:17

It might be the mums fault (to some extent) or it might not. We can't possibly judge that. But either way you can e sure the mum is having a shit time so id try to be supportive and kids do grow out of this (again to some extent!) and quite suddenly so you might find she is very different just 2 months from now.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/04/2016 09:18

Oh I look forward to the day you do have kids! Come back and tell us how impeccably they behave Grin

My ds was excellently behaved because I was lucky. I still wouldn't be daft enough to judge other parents and their children because over normal behaviour for most.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/04/2016 09:18

Interstingly every child I have known who was a challenging toddler has grown up to be a lovely well adjusted teenager

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 09:20

Honestly, she isn't having a shit time - that's just the furthest thing from the truth.

Don't think she's frazzled and exhausted. That's not 'her' at all.

In terms of judging parenting, it's nothing to do with me, other than her unbearable child.

OP posts:
howmanyairmiles · 22/04/2016 09:20

YANBU, My sister has 6 kids, and I have gone through various stages of not liking one or the other over the years.

Although I have never shown it to my sister nor let them know who my favourite is, I know your not supposed to have favourites but its impossible not to.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 09:20

Not gonna happen Paul Shock

OP posts:
Piemernator · 22/04/2016 09:21

There are some DC and adults it's hard to warm to. My friends child was not even badly behaved but she sure is hard to like. This child is now 15 and again does nothing bad but I just don't warm to her at all.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/04/2016 09:21

Have to say I think friend isn't making life easy for herself by not having a pushchair. That would give her more options for dealing with it.

There isn't always an easy answer though. Sometimes I was in a situation with ds3 where, had he been an only, I would have marched him out & taken him home. But I couldn't because I needed to be wherever it was with ds1 &/or ds2. So we had to use a different response which wasn't as ideal.