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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
debedoo · 25/04/2016 13:40

I wonder if MNHQ/daily mail had to seek ops permission, or can they just find it online then use for a headline??

Makes you wary though, huh??

Branleuse · 25/04/2016 13:42

yeah. This is quite a personal problem. Its stooping pretty low

paxillin · 25/04/2016 13:42

It is quite possible OP swapped a ds for a dd, added a couple of months to the age, made a cat a dog and changed nurse practitioner for teacher so it might not be as identifying as it looks.

lifesalongsong · 25/04/2016 13:43

The moaning about a friend's child alone won't identify the OP but if I had a child I thought fitted the description and I read the OPs other posts I would soon realise that the other pieces of info all put together are enough to confirm a suspicion.

Unless, of course, the other posts aren't true or have been slightly anonymised, personally I wouldn't take the risk

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 25/04/2016 18:16

Oh, don't be daft, even if MN delete the thread my post is quoted in entirety in a national newspaper Grin

fame

Don't worry re identification. I always change a few things to protect the innocent!

OP posts:
acetonefree · 26/04/2016 16:16

OK, here's the thing; you can't help how you feel. There's no obligation for you to like someone just because they're a child, so long as you don't show it, what else are you supposed to do? Try and force yourself to like her? I'll admit it, I don't like some of my sons friends. There. Said it. I think some of them are little brats. It was my daughters 1st birthday one day,and my sons friend cried and threw a tantrum when she blew her candles out, and demanded that we light them again and sing to him! His birthday was months away! But he demanded that the attention be on him, and his parents did what he wanted straight away, never mind my little girl!

I also don't agree with 'she's just 3', 'all 3 year olds are like this'. If I thought that the OP's description of a 3 year old was the 'norm', I would have at least rethought having children at all, let alone a second. I feel sorry for the mother, I really do, it sounds like she's overwhelmed. But children need to be taught how to properly behave. At 3 no doubt she's realised that an easy way to get what she wants it to have a screaming fit. She's very young, but she's not that dumb. My daughter learnt that people would pick whatever she dropped up for her before she was a year old, imagine what a 3 year old would have learnt.

Dumdedumdedum · 27/04/2016 12:04

This thread is about to be discussed by LBC's James O'Brien.

PseudoBadger · 27/04/2016 12:07

It's on now

LogicalThinking · 27/04/2016 12:10

You feel the way you feel but it's entirely your problem.
It's unreasonable to think that it is the child or the parent's fault.

AmIthatbloodycold · 27/04/2016 12:20

Aimee Brannen, get a real fucking job.

That scuzzy rag is really covering itself in glory this week

Lottapianos · 27/04/2016 12:56

I am extremely late to this thread - just heard it being discussed by James O'Brien on LBC.

OP, what a kicking you've had on here! I have never seen so many sanctimonious comments on a single thread, and that is really saying something. I agree with every single word of acetonefree's post. I don't blame you in the slightest for being hacked off with this child's behaviour. I have worked with hundreds of 3 year olds and while screaming and unreasonable behaviour can be par for the course, it doesn't mean that you just shrug your shoulders and give in to every demand, writing it all off as 'normal behaviour'. This little girl sounds extremely insecure to me and her mum is doing her no favours at all by refusing to draw any boundaries for her.

There's huge pressure on women to be cheerleaders for each other at all costs, to never ever 'judge' (i.e. use your brain to form an opinion), and to rush to help out and support a friend with everything they have got going on in their life, particularly if child-related Well that's not how it works not should it be. You are under no obligation to carry the baby, entertain the 3 year old, take her to the park or anything else. This is her parents' issue to sort out, not yours.

'It's unreasonable to think that it is the child or the parent's fault.'

So what could have caused this behaviour, if not the child or the parent?

Legseleven111 · 27/04/2016 13:19

Why does it matter if she has children or not? She doesn't and has stated this further up if you read properly.
I completely understand where this lady is coming from, I have friends with the most wonderful children whom I am happy to spend time with, babysit etc but I have one friend who's son is unbearable to be around and is only 4. Doesn't make us bad people, just honest. Oh and I don't have children either!

Lottapianos · 27/04/2016 13:21

Well said Legseleven111. I've often seen parents on here say that they can't stand any children other than their own, and that seems to get tolerated just fine

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 27/04/2016 13:33

Oh thank goodness for lazy journalists, we really needed this thread reignited.
Hmm

123lekl · 28/04/2016 06:32

Can't believe this thread has made the press!
I do think it's relevant that OP hasn't got children as anyone who's had toddlers and/ or multiple children will know that they can be hard work!
This 3 year old is also probably adorable a lot of the time too but you don't always see this is you're not around the child constantly.
My toddler can be horridly behaved (!) but I'd be gutted if one of my friends disliked him judged on his normal toddler-ish behaviour as most if the time he's lovely Sad

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 28/04/2016 07:02

Yeah, I do know children can be hard work, thanks Hmm

Is your toddler SUCH hard work that he might put your friends off having a child? That's the degree of 'hard work' this child is!

OP posts:
gobbin · 28/04/2016 07:24

Let's be honest, children at that age and during their teens can be really, really, hard work. I teach and could never work in a primary, much less a nursery - the constant whine and bad behaviour from a few would do my head in. I can't bear to be around children that young and was mightily glad when my family got past that stage.

Some teens are vile too, truly grim. There are many in one particular year in my school at the moment that I am pleased to leave behind at the school gate, having done my job - I would hate to have to live with some of them.

Having your own chikdren is a totally different ball game. There's no way mine would be allowed to have acted like the OP's friend's child, but we all parent differently. As a result, mine is perhaps TOO easy going and compliant, but we reap what we sow.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/04/2016 09:06

Oh no you poor thing. Nice stealth boast

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/04/2016 09:12

< holds out head for roasting > sorry..HAD to say that

wooflesgoestotown · 28/04/2016 09:39

OP I just read your post describing your brother jumping on your stomach to make you we yourselfSadSadSad
I could cry for the child you were:-(

Your parents didn't protect you.

I hope you're ok.

squizita · 28/04/2016 09:41

My toddler can be horridly behaved (!) but I'd be gutted if one of my friends disliked him judged on his normal toddler-ish behaviour as most if the time he's lovely

YY as I mentioned upthread, kids can be absolute monsters if mummy is with her grown up friend, at a time when mummy time has been cut down anyway because of her new sibling.
There isn't evidence this child is like this all the time - just when the OP is there.

It's like kids who are great out of school but horrible in, or lovely in school but vile at home (and yes I've worked with many...). Situations.

In terms of 'enough to put someone off kids' - I know someone WITH a kid (who ignores them to drink wine and is extremely sexist) and her child appears a delight, but it's not gold star parenting. Another parent is very 'loving strict' and her rugby loving toddler is a right handful.
What you see during 'meet your friend' time is often not the whole story. Not by a long shot.

oakleaffy · 02/05/2016 11:07

Browntrout, when I read of your comments in the press, I was like ''This is entirely normal., surely to be highly irritated by bratty behaviour?'
Our dad used to say ''Hell is OPK'' '[Other People's Kids].
Quiet kids are ok, and the occasional tantrum is fine, but some children are just hard to be around.

There was a girl like this at the local playgroup- her poor mum was beside herself.
The mum had a new baby, and her little girl had, in mum's own words ''become a monster''.
This little girl actually tried to hurt the baby on several occasions, and was obviously very upset and incredibly jealous of the usurper.

Sibling rivalry is very powerful.
I'd be interested to know what the 3 yr old was like before the new baby came along? Was she a 'brat' then, and desperate for her mother's attention?

Maybe go and visit your friend when the kids are in bed?

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