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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:

BeStrongAndCourageous · 22/04/2016 07:06

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. Children can be horrible little beasts - I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old - and it's our job as parents to teach them not to be.

Your friend does not sound like she's set acceptable boundaries for her child's behaviour and is reaping the consequences. My eldest does not scream at me for anything because she knows it doesn't work. The 2 year old still has tantrums because he's not fully verbal yet, but even he is learning that screaming gets ignored and a "pwease mama?" gets rewarded.

I am by no means a perfect parent but I think it's really important to start teaching acceptable behaviour standards young. Overtired, hungry or poorly kids have allowances made for them, but on a day-to-day basis, good behaviour is taught and expected.

Original poster

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:09

MrsFizzy, I've known her since school, and we've kept in touch but I've only recently started seeing her again as I moved.

I don't think she is pandering to me. They have dogs, they walk the dogs, she asks if I fancy a walk, I do, I join in on these walks, child screams, the rest, as they say, is history.

I have known other three year olds and I've never had one evoke this sort of reaction in me before! I'm not proud of it but it does sort of come from an inner part of me.

OP posts:

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:10

BeStrong

I agree you have to teach by rewarding good behaviour

It's so hard with baby/toddler, and toddler/toddler

CakeNinja · 22/04/2016 07:12

I also don't like being in the company of whining bratty children OP, and tend to see friends who have children like that, away from them!
It's probably just a phase she'll grow out of, but only time will tell.
Yanbu.

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:12

Children can be cloudy awful when two adults are talking, or talking on the phone.

I think you should try and see her away from the kids

molyholy · 22/04/2016 07:12

I think the 3 yo can sense your disdain of her. In fact, I think she dislikes you. How would your friend feel knowing you are talking about her child on an internet forum in such a horrid way.

You sound like a jealous toddler yourself.

Why don't you just leave them alone. You sound thoroughly unpleasant.

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:12

bloody awful, not cloudy awful

Original poster

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:14

Haha Moly don't be so daft! What do you think I do, walk around with a Lady Bracknell expression of disapproval on my face as I disdainfully pass her a cucumber sandwich?

OP posts:

srslylikeomg · 22/04/2016 07:15

This sounds patronising but OP you have NO IDEA. You are responding to a shit outing as if another adult had ruined it, not a three year old. She's three! but you just can't understand this until you are a parent I am afraid. I'd say don't meet up with the kids in tow again. A judgemental adult is the last thing this mum needs.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/04/2016 07:16

Given your comment about having a sibling with additional neefs I would suggest this is about more than a difficult 3 year old. Might be worth thinking about why it annoys you so much?

My most difficult 3 year old was my youngest (of 3). God he was hard work - a lot of it was attention seeking (he has a severely disabled sibling). I had all the parenting tricks (see severely disabled sibling - I had been given a lot of extra training in parenting difficult kids) but he was just who he was.

He's 11 now & the sweetest, kindest most thoughtful boy. Definitely the most thoughtful of my children He's quite an anxious child (may be why he was so difficult when younger). He really does think about others a lot more than his middle sibling (who was the most charming easy going toddler that lived). He worries a lot about his severely disabled sibling who takes up an enormous amount of attention at the moment. He isn't jealous of him - he is worried about him.

Incidentally he's always been extremely well behaved at school. Too quiet really - barely spoke at school until he reached year 5. We had considered warning his school what he could be like before he started because he was so difficult (especially as he was following laid back brother 2) - glad we didn't as we would have looked insane!

So she may we'll be fine at school. She may be having trouble adjusting to her sibling. She may be an anxious child who deals with that by becoming incredibly difficult. The fact she's difficult doesn't mean she's a selfish brat - it might mean the opposite.

It's good her mother is calm & patient. Sounds like they'll get through it just fine.

Incidentally at the time we had various people in helping our family with severely disabled eldest son. Some of them were really great with ds3 as well. On a difficult day they'd really make an effort to connect with him & pull him out of his stroppy moment. I appreciated the ones who had that connection with him
(& it was good for him too).

BeStrongAndCourageous · 22/04/2016 07:17

I agree Narp, it's bloody hard! But I think it's easier to start when they're young, rather than going ah, they're only 2/3/4/5/6....

I certainly doubt it gets any easier!

Notso · 22/04/2016 07:17

I empathise. My five year old is a total whinge bag. Be thankful you don't have to live with it.
I don't know why he does it. My other three are not like him. He got a bit better on starting Reception but since Christmas has gone backwards. It is incredibly draining for the whole family.

Janeymoo50 · 22/04/2016 07:19

You won't get much support here op, you haven't any kids so it makes any views you have totally unreasonable in the eyes of some MN posters.

Tbh, it could simply be a phase the little one is going through but I get how "off putting" it can be when spending time with them.

Branleuse · 22/04/2016 07:20

You cant judge a person on what they behave like when they are three.
Jesus, how much experience do you have with different children?

bringing a child up isnt completed by three with a perfectly behaved child, even if some are super easy at that age, loads arent.

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/04/2016 07:20

inside I am thinking 'stfu, brat.'

I'veve thought this about my own kids at times. I love them to bits but they don't half get under my skin sometimes.

Oh thank goodness you said that Pseudo, I thought it was just me!!!

molyholy · 22/04/2016 07:20

No I don't think that. What I mean is the way you dread seeing her, she probably feels the same about you, but as she is 3 years old, she can get away with acting the way she does. You too are having a tantrum, but you internalise it then slag a 3year old off on the internet. The 3 year old shows her upset on the outside. How do you know she is not only like this when you're around?

Original poster

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:21

I don't have that connection with her Devilish - it's pretty hard to when they are 3. I'd have to see her very regularly I imagine.

I'm sure I do have no idea but then that's the point in a way, I'm not her parent, so I don't view the screaming and the kicking and the demands through a parents eyes. I just see a very rude little girl.

I have been in their home and she is exactly the same, she wants this toy, she wants that toy, tantrum even when it's produced, she wants to go outside then screams because she has to put her coat on, she wants to play in water then screams because she's wet (!) she wants a biscuit and then screams because she wants another.

It's like a day trip with Veruca Salt.

OP posts:

Narp · 22/04/2016 07:22

BeStrong

Yes, true. I have known people who leave the discipline to teachers

Devilish

Totally agree. My 15 year old, previously so gentle, struggled v badly when his little brother was born.

YouMakeMyDreams · 22/04/2016 07:22

The thing is I think your frustration is misplaced. A three year old is not an adult. They don't have the self control or emotional maturity that you seem to be placing on her behaviour.
I have three Dc all been frustrating in their own way all of them had a tantrum and I haven't always dealt with things in the right way and have done things for a quiet life.

At the end of the day your friend struggles to carry two but she chooses to do that. She gives her dd what she wants when she has a tantrum. If anyone it's the adult you should be frustrated at not the child. The child is behaving that way because it works. Because her mum gives in to her. Not because she is an inherently horrible child. I'm also not saying your friend is horrible or a bad parent for giving in. She seems to be struggling to juggle the two lots of support or not. And 9 months to get used to a new little person? Again a 3 year old is not a logical being they don't because they can't think like that.
You had several people on this thread know you didn't have Dec that must tell you something about your lack of perspective on this.

Original poster

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:22

Oh Branleuse, I'm not going to hold it against her - goodness, should I meet her in ten years I won't think 'brat, hated you when you were 3!'

But right now she IS 3. And ... See above!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 22/04/2016 07:22

She's three, she has had a sibling thrust into her life who has taken attention away from her and she wants her mother all to herself. It's not unusual and they do grow out of it. The mother is just doing what she wants and what makes her own life easier.

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 22/04/2016 07:22

OP you say you just feel bad for your lovely friend but it sounds more like you are actually judging your friend because you think she panders to her 3 year old and lets her get away with being a "brat."

Original poster

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 07:23

Oh Moly don't be so bloody daft!

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 22/04/2016 07:23

I think op it is frustrating when parents deal with children differently to how you would. But it is something that you just have to accept ultimately and most people's children turn into pleasant functioning adults in the end we just get there differently.

9 months is when having a younger sibling gets hard for the older one. The first few months they just get loads of attention over their cute little bro/sis in the pram. At 9 months the baby is crawling and ruining everything they try to play with.

Believeitornot · 22/04/2016 07:23

So you don't have children and you had an older sibling.

Bit of projection going on?

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