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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 23/04/2016 08:22

With your implication that this situation in any way parallels with yours with your first son.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 08:24

"People actually distance themselves from their friends because their kids are temporarily unpleasant while they are 3?"

Yes they do. I had a friend who had really badly behaved twin boys. They used to try and wreck my house. I had to ask my friend to tell them to stop climbing and jumping all over the furniture when they were here. Instead of making it quite clear that jumping and climbing on my furniture she said, very mildly, "don't do that". 30 seconds later they started climbing and jumping on the furniture again while mum just ignored them.

Shortly afterwards the phone rang. It was the police asking if we had just dialled 999. One of the boys had. This time the mum had the grace to look mortified.

Those are just a couple of examples of their behaviour, but there was loads more.

DD had her moments at 3, but was nothing like this.

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 08:26

I agree that not all badly behaved children are a product of bad parenting. Being on mumsnet has opened my eyes a lot. I have learned a lot more about children who do have extra issues, so I never automatically assume a badly behaved child is just that.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2016 08:27

Thing is, it makes seeing said friends unpleasant. There's no other word for it.

Exactly this. There's just no point visiting my friend because I only get about 10% of her attention and that isn't conducive to having a good catch up - especially when there's constant screaming, stomping and throwing going on from the child. I tend to just ring my friend now once I know her DD is in bed but I definitely avoid visiting her.

I'm a paediatric nurse and in my 13 years experience I can definitely say I've come across some unlikeable children. My husband is a teacher and there's certainly some he can't stand.

Just because a person is in a certain profession it doesn't mean they are wired different to the rest of us and I'm pretty sure they don't have special genes that make them blind to unlikeable characteristics Grin

Squiff85 · 23/04/2016 08:31

She sounds like she needs some discipline!!

I had a friend whose daughter would kick/punch others and the Mum would just sit there/ignore it/ say "play nicely" but never address her naughty kid!

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:33

But it does. My son is severely autistic & severely learning disabled. He was a dead easy baby & toddler, but from pre-school years his behaviour became difficult. He couldn't speak (still can't & is nearly an adult) but certainly has a pair of lungs on him. His understanding was assessed as being at an 18 month level when he was 5 and so he obviously didn't understand how to sit down nicely. Or wait. He didn't understand about staying near us do had to be followed everywhere which made having a conversation difficult.

Quite a few friends couldn't cope with his behaviour so I didn't see them. Still don't. Other friends Wouid run upstairs when we arrived to check windows were shut, wpukd follow me around & have a conversation on the move, would hold the babies, would keep inviting us to thibgs even knowing he would be difficult to accommodate & we may have to bow out early, knowing he might be noisy. They're still friends. The ones who couldn't cope aren't.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2016 08:33

I personally don't drop my friends if visiting then becomes temporarily unrewarding for me. Surprised people do.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 23/04/2016 08:36

To be fair it was only one pearl clutcher shocked a teacher didn't love every child!

Devilish not everything is about you.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:37

I'm not fanjo. They're the reason I've called ds1 my filter for over a decade (filters out the people worth knowing - I have a great bunch of friends now & I know they're a tough bunch who will be there even when things aren't pretty).

Which I guess was lucky for tricky toddler ds3 as the useless ones had already buggered off.

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 08:39

In my case the friend moved away, so I didn't drop her. Previous to her moving I did see her less often because DD was older and didn't want to play with my friend's children as they were much younger than her. DD didn't like the twins because she found them disruptive and noisy.

She is nearly 16 now and hates noisy, small children. Actually she hates loud noises generally.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:40

How have I said everything is about me? I was responding to you saying ds1 was nothing like a tricky toddler. When he was very like a tricky toddler.

Anyway I always point this out on threads when people say to avoid seeing friends with kids in tow. Of course you can do that - but if you do then you risk losing the friendship (very likely of their time without kids is very precious).

Whathaveilost · 23/04/2016 08:40

A whining 3 year old can't be that hard to be around surely? Annoying & irritating yes, but you don't have to do anything except bite your tongue.

Yes they can, I don't have much free time to spend with my friends but when I do I want to catch up with them. I didn't really like the toddler stage of my own children so I'm not going to enjoy someone else's whinging.. Especially when you you have wish you washy parenting.
Fortunately I meet my friends sans children.
I do actually like children and I do go out walking and to the parks with some families. I just can't be doing the ones going through the Whiney tantrum stage. It doesn't last for ever but my time is too short and precious to be in situations that I don't want to be in.
This doesn't make me a bad friend btw. My friends have plenty of other friends, no one is isolated, and we still each other. For cocktails and nibbles and stuff on a regular basis.
I'm pretty sure, in fact I know I have some friends who avoided me and my toddlers Alls good, 17/18 years later we are still friends.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:40

*if

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 23/04/2016 08:42

No, you are Devilish.

You have been extremely unfair.

I have a friend who I still see with a NT 3 yo who whines, screams, and effectively doesn't allow anything to gravitate away from her for even seconds.

You have a severely disabled son and friends stopped seeing you because of him.

You have strongly implied those two situations are the same, and yes, you are being unfair to me and you are making this thread about you.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:45

Well the ones who couldn't cope with ds1 at 3 certainly couldn't cope with him at 16, and I definitely won't be rushing off to see them when he's in full time care. So maybe it depends how long the tricky phase lasts. I've found the filtering of friendships quite useful in the long run anyway althoigh it was upsetting at the time.

And I genuinely didn't have any problems with people avoiding us with ds3 (just realised that) - so that was an advantage at the time.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 23/04/2016 08:46

So what's your point? Confused Because I really resent being painted as a heartless cow who avoids disabled children because of their disability, especially given I have shared a little about my own background here.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:48

I was responding to people telling you to not see your friend with her daughter but to meet her separately. I was saying if you do that then you risk the friendship - depending largely on how much spare time she has & how she wants to spend it.

If you're not going to avoid meeting her then obviously you fall in the category of decent friend - and you may find your friend does prioritise you in her child free time as well.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:49

There are a lot of people advising you to meet separately - I was simply saying that approach risks the friendship.

bigbuttons · 23/04/2016 08:50

devilish how have you managed to make these situations remotely similar?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2016 08:52

I know devilish. I have some friends who only see me without DD and haven't seen her for years. Puts me off them somewhat.

And shame in you for mentioning a child with a disability Wink don't you know that on MN no one is allowed to talk about kids with SN and NT kids on same thread, it must be kept an entirely separate issue, it's not like they are just our children or anything.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:52

I've explained why they're similar - I was avoided by some because of my son's behaviour.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2016 08:53

Because her ds is her ds and being disabled doesn't automatically make him some other species who mustn't be discussed when discussing NT kids is why she mentioned him.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 23/04/2016 08:54

To avoid a mother of a child with a severe disability because of his disability is cruel.

It might be that it's just not always possible for a child with a disability to go along to certain outings but to completely avoid the family over something that they have no control over is cruel.

However that is NOT what is happening here.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2016 08:55

I'm actually trying to work out how they're not similar. Some children are more difficult to be around than others. Parents tend to appreciate friends who hang around - which to be fair to the OP it sounds as if she is planning to do. I'm sure it will be appreciated by the mum.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2016 08:57

People don't always have control over 3 year old tantrumming either. Just to throw that into the mix.