To dislike my friends daughter?

[Thebrowntrout]

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

Well, for starters, they are not similar because your friends avoided you I'm not avoiding my friend.

Your friends avoided you because your son had a permanent disability, people have suggested I avoid my friend because I'm a bitch who should be nowhere near children / I don't get anything out of it, depending which posters you read.

But I am sure in about twenty posts I'll be a bitch who hates children with special needs

Well at the time we were being avoided I doubt those avoiding us knew he was severely disabled. We didn't, we were just waiting for him to speak & had no idea his understanding was at an 18 month level. We knew he was autistic but assumed he was high functioning.

So people were - in their heads - avoiding the somewhat feral behaviour rather than the severe disability.

And the ones who got through that bit are still with us today (& I never meet them with ds1 )

There are people on here who are saying they would avoid someone who has screamy, whiney, demanding children. Some of those children will have sn (as yet undiagnosed in some cases). The parents of those children will find this thread at least uncomfortable.

You are being quite bitchy but no one has said you hate kids with SN.

No need for all the eye rolls.

Hot2Trot

"Some of them are just little shits. Because they've been brought up like that. No getting away from it, three year olds have personalities and just as with adults, sometimes you just don't like em"

So which is it, personality or upbringing?

I think the difficulty is that you might have a normal 3 year old whose behaviour in the short time they are seen by the OP is misinterpreted and judged. That's what some on here are saying.

You might have a normal 3 year old whose parent gives in to so the demandingness is encouraged. Some people are saying that.

You might have a 3 year old with a difficult personality who the parent is exhausted dealing with. Some people are saying that.

Most likely it's an interaction of all those things

Personally I can find some children really really difficult/annoying, but at 3 I don't think it is at all reasonable to dislike the child. Especially if, like the OP, you don't have the experience or insight to think about what it is like to be a 3 year old.

Browntrout- I don't think you hate children with special needs.

Just to add to my last post

...or the experience or insight to know what it's like to be the parent of a 3 year old

There are people on here who are saying they would avoid someone who has screamy, whiney, demanding children.

Aren't all children screamy whiney and demanding at some point? Oh sorry I forgot about the mn fantasy children

OP

I think it's really dismissive of you to not listen to Devilish's experience

I'm being 'bitchy', Fanjo, because I am quite angry actually.

I spent years, literally, as a physical punch bag. Not his fault, and I love him, but still, when you are ten and your teenage brother is jumping on top of your belly to see how long it takes before you piss yourself, and then you get a bollocking from your parents for having pissed on the carpet, the implication that you would avoid someone with special needs because of their disability sticks in the throat.

The criticism I had from my parents was 'well you go into his room' and I did, because I loved him then.

Devilish says she didn't mind friends avoiding her with no3 son, so - yeah, whatever really :) I don't like the 3 yo, I wish she'd STFU and I think she's spoiled and shrieky.

I am a Very Bad Person :)

Mine isn't. He's not got there yet.

"at some point" being the key words.

Not All The Fucking Time.

OP

That is terrible, really terrible. Your needs were subjugated and you emotions weren't validated.

Have you ever had the chance to have some psychological support about this?

Lol yeah but when you're in that phase it can feel that way

Tell your friend about Home-Start there nonjudgemental befriending service is there to help.

I have a slightly cod theory about toddlers and why they are so hard.

Or maybe it's just me

I think they put you in touch with a really raw, childish part of yourself which would also like to scream and throw yourself about. It's painful and exhausting to witness it and not join in

I said my friends didn't avoid me with ds3 - presumably because ds1 has already scared the useless ones off.

I have not suggested you hate children with SN. I have not said you are a bad friend. I have counselled against following the advice given on this thread to only meet your friend without her dd if you want to guarantee your friendship continues. It sounds as if you have every intention of continuing to meet your friend with her dd in tow so your friendship is not at risk.

Ds1's younger siblings have locks on doors so they can lock themselves away (and tbh it isn't enough, ds3 is sttill going to need some PTSD counselling - it is not good to be living in fear & under threat at 10). I am sorry you weren't protected. But please understand I wasn't saying what you seem to think I was.

I'm another one saying yanbu op and don't let this put you off having your own kids!

Shrieking, tantrums, brattiness used to really grate on me and I would dislike being in the company of little kids. Then I had dd and thought i wouldn't have any of these feelings as she's my own, but I was surprised to discover that sometimes I didn't like being in her company.

Its totally normal

You just put up with it because its your kid screaming and you love them.

The browntrout devilish wasn't implying that.

With respect whatever your issues are they aren't devilish or my fault for joining in a discussion.

Sympathies for the difficulties you have had.

I would imagine teachers are more likely to actively dislike some children than the rest of the general population..? That seems obvious to me 😂

I don't see how it would matter. As long as they did their job. They probably don't like some parents either!

Thebrowntrout I'm with you. I have 2 kids and no one is perfect, so not claiming mine are angels, but remember similar situations to yours and feeling frustrated that could hardly have any kind of conversation with some friends. Probably had similar views as you on certain kids. Can honestly say most annoying 3 year olds do grow out of it and go on to be nice kids. You're definitely not a bad person, or if you are, I am too 😄.