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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to teenage drinking encouraged by other mums?

177 replies

captainfarrell · 21/04/2016 13:55

My DD is under 16. We don't give her alcohol. To our knowledge she doesn't drink elsewhere. This last year her friends have had birthday 'gatherings' at home till about 10pm, parents are home and some girls sleep over. It has come to my attention via a couple of rogue FB pics and from another mum that alcohol has been at these parties. My DD says she hasn't had any but that others have smuggled it in however on a couple of occasions a couple of the mums bought it for the party.Most of the girls are 14 about to turn 15. I am shocked that they encourage this.Lots of teens experiment but supplying it seems a whole other ball game to me. AIBU?

OP posts:
bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 08:57

If I remember rightly this about 16 years ago. A teenager at the age of 16 can drink in a pub but only with parental supervision I think my dad bought me a shandy.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 22/04/2016 09:02

"Also it IS illegal to buy alcohol with the intention of it being for a minor. The law is not really helpful .Unbelievably, it is only illegal to give an under 5 alcohol at home !"

It's illegal to buy alcohol for under 18s to consume out of the home, but if you're buying it for them to have at home under your supervision it's not. The law isn't that confusing.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 22/04/2016 09:03

bumblebee, 16 year olds can drink at a pub/restaurant if they're having a meal and the alcohol is bought for them by someone over 18.

Thisisnotausername · 22/04/2016 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 09:07

*YANBU. I would consider allowing a 17 year old and one or 2 friends to have a couple of drinks in the house with me (if their parents agreed) but definitely not supply alcohol for a party to under 16s.

I see quite a few PPs have said something along the lines of -they might provide alcohol but not to children who's parents said they were not allowed. With all due respect isn't that a bit naive? I think either the children who are 'not allowed' will be given alcohol by other children, or there will need to be a big fuss made about who can and can't have alcohol which may lead to those that can't being ridiculed.*

Not quite sure about this. As I see it, there are degrees in what dc do: what they do with my encouragement, what they do with my indifference, what they may do despite my disapproval and what I will do my utmost to prevent them from doing. Each of these categories teaches them something about the act, or at least about my opinion of the act. I may not be able to stop a 15yo from e.g. smoking in the park, but I bloody want him to know this is not with my approval. If I send booze with my ds, then I am telling him that I expect him to drink. I don't have to do that if I don't like the idea. I am perfectly within my rights to say "I do not think you should drink and I will not fund it". If his friends then supply him with alcohol, that is their responsibility, if he chooses to drink it, it is his.

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 09:22

I think this country is an embarrassment when it comes to drinking you don't see the French or Spanish throwing up everywhere. In those countries its normal to have a glass of wine with your meal. They learn how to drink sensibly.

I went to Lanzarote recently for a holiday I went out to buy a stereo when I got it home it didn't work. I only had it 5 minutes so I returned it back and he said come back in 30 minutes. When I went back this time with my partner we demanded a refund and he said he don't give refunds it's the manufacturers fault. My partner weren't having that he again asked for the refund the shop man turned to me and said he's been drinking and I am going to call the police. He didnt touch a drop and they wanted him to fight them so they could keep the 52 euros. I got my money back in the end because I had to stand in the middle of it all.

I think we need to teach our kids how to drink sensibly. I think I'll introduce it to my children when they are 16 a glass of wine with dinner once or twice a week.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 22/04/2016 09:27

I'm somewhat confused by your middle paragraph, bumblebee - have you had a drink? Wink

Fwaffy · 22/04/2016 09:32

Similarly to there being other options than the black and white idea that "better do it at home than do it in a field", I think there are other options than a) open, understanding, liberal parent allowing child to drink at home and b) authoritarian, dictatorial parent saying "You are absolutely forbidden".

What about c) great relationship, open, honest, understanding and mutually trusting that says "alcohol is actually a drug and it's not a good idea to drink it until your body is able to handle it and you and your peers are socially mature enough not to use it dangerously". Meaning the parent models safe drinking and the DC know that underage sinking is actually a bad idea, but also know their parent is there to help them through the pressure (blaming "horrendously strict" parent etc) and, crucially, that they have someone they love and trust to talk to if when they screw it up.

Sorry if that sounds naive and a bit snowflakey, but I think there is a compromise between mutual trust/a democratic relationship, and not being afraid to say "I'm your parent and you're still a child so here's what's okay".

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 09:33

What'sthatcomingoverthehill my dad couldn't afford fancy meals in restaurants it was in the local pub we had packets of crips instead. My mum and dad was in the pub and it was in the afternoon. There was only a few people in there.

Fwaffy · 22/04/2016 09:35

"Underage drinking" not "underage sinking"!

EatShitDerek · 22/04/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IJustLostTheGame · 22/04/2016 09:38

I was allowed a glass of wine with dinner or a shandy from 14. And from 12 I could have wine squash in France. I didn't though, I preferred coke.

I wouldn't have been bought alcopops etc as my parents didn't approve of drinking for drinkings sake, or of alcopops.
From late 16 I drank in pubs. I knew my 'date of birth and star sign'. We drank in an old man pub and when the landlord thought we'd had enough he wouldn't serve us anymore. We'd get 'I think you've chanced your luck now, unless you have ID it's time to go home'. They wouldn't serve us spirits.
People at uni who hadn't had an education at drinking got in far worse states than I ever did.
That said, I wouldn't buy my dd or dsd alcohol for her sleepovers. Her friends could have a drink with a meal with water and all sat together.

BertieBeats · 22/04/2016 09:39

When I was younger usually the parents bought alcohol for our parties but we're talking WKD and Smirnoff. I came home at 14 hungover and my mum just rolled her eyes and told me to get to bed. My parents were always pretty chilled when I was younger ,if I smoked I wasn't to smoke in the house for example. 15 years on and I've only had a handful of nights out which involved alcohol ,I've never smoked and I've never taken drugs. And same applies to my brother.

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 09:41

No I didn't drink or my partner he was sleeping while I was out buying shopping from the local supermarket. I made the decision to buy the stereo because ours wasn't working. I am glad that I didn't drink it may have ended very differently because the shop men wanted my partner to hit him it got very confrontational. They did not want to give us our money back. I had to stand in the middle of them so that nothing would happen. I did have a drink after to get over the pain and suffering that it caused me. I do feel sorry for them because you've got to be desperate to behave like that.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 22/04/2016 09:41

"What'sthatcomingoverthehill my dad couldn't afford fancy meals in restaurants it was in the local pub we had packets of crips instead. My mum and dad was in the pub and it was in the afternoon. There was only a few people in there."

It was illegal then.

But hey, when I was 16 everyone from my school sixth form went to the local and got pissed and no one seemed to care.

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 09:47

Tbh I don't think they asked me how old I was.

TheFairyCaravan · 22/04/2016 09:59

Our kids are 19&21. We used to let them take a couple of bottles of beer to parties from the age of 14/15. We've never had to go to pick them up from anywhere because they're so drunk, they've never come home vomiting and falling over unlike a lot of teens.

They're not big drinkers now, they'd both prefer to be in the gym. DS1 is in the army if he goes on a night out with the lads he volunteers to drive the minibus rather than drink.

mummyto2monkeys · 22/04/2016 10:07

My parents were always called 'cool' by my friends. They would buy alcopops and beer in and let us have parties. They were adamant that they would rather be able to see how we reacted to alcohol. They let me go clubbing, would pick me and my friends up at any time of the morning/ night. I will say that we never had cause to rebel.

However, my parents regret it to this day, I don't drink at all, but my youngest brother is now an alcoholic and my eldest brother is what I would call a weekend alcoholic, he will go on binges and drink for four days straight. My parents thought that by being open and avoiding rebellion in our teens, it would teach us to have a healthy attitude towards alcohol.As it is they acquired a taste for it and alcohol is destroying their lives. I have already decided that I will not follow my parents example. I will teach my children about the dangers of drugs and alcohol instead.

gingerbreadmanm · 22/04/2016 10:10

When i was a teen my DP's were quite open about alcohol and wouldn't have objected to me having a small drink. I think because of that, and seeing the extent people who werent allowed it would drink to, i never really bothered. Made up for it now though.

TBH i would rather when i have children that they have a supervised drink as a teen than them sneaking on the streets with bottled of Vodka MD20 20 in my day

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 10:45

"I will teach my children about the dangers of drugs and alcohol instead."

I think that statement is important teach kids the dangers of what you are putting into your body. You can't stop them they will drink whether you like it or not but by teaching them the dangers it may minimise the risk. You can't tell them no when they are 18 but you can teach them the dangers. Teach our children how to live a healthy balanced life by respecting food and alcohol.

HildaOgdensMuriel · 22/04/2016 10:59

Mummy2. Sorry to hear your family members' experiences.

It highlights what I take from observation which is that as a parent we are stuck working with the social environment around us. So that I like to drink in moderation and would just go with that EXCEPT that all around them is a binge drinking culture. So I am treating alcohol a bit like dynamite!
I act more teetotal uptight than I really am iyswim. 17 year old has been tipsy once and said afterwards he felt a bit embarrased/ ashamed and I am OK with that even though in general I don't do shame!
My teen does go out regularly to concerts but has to get home on public transport and then talk to me over a cuppa in the back kitchen. Yes I am controlling I know.
The adolescent brain is sensitive and the later alcohol usage becomes established the better imo.

gandalf456 · 22/04/2016 11:00

While it's nothing we didn't do at 16, I would not be comfortable with it. I would have expected the parent to explain that there would be alcohol there so I could decide how I felt about it.

HildaOgdensMuriel · 22/04/2016 11:06

Oh and he had "a dodgy burger" last year after an evening with pals (whose parents all seem to expect 16 year olds to be regularly drinking alcohol to get drunk) after which i did begin to stay up for the debriefs!

rwilkinson84 · 22/04/2016 11:17

It's a tricky one but I don't think you could tell them not to give it to any of the children - it's their parent's choice to allow them to have it.

By the sounds of it your DC isn't having any so pretty much shows how she feels about it. Sounds like you have a very responsible DC!

I can understand you being uncomfortable with it, just think that it's better than them getting ridiculously drunk on the streets somewhere.

funniestWins · 22/04/2016 11:21

14 is far too young. I liked my parents' approch. When I was 16 or so they told me that if I drank enough for them to know when I got home then they wouldn't be happy. If I drank sensibly enough for us all to pretend I didn't thencit was okay.

I'd have a glass of wine at a formal occasion with family from about 15. We would have wine for toasts at school (with permission from parents) in lower and upper 6th.

Not touching a drop until they're 18 seems like an unhealthy approach.