AIBU to object to teenage drinking encouraged by other mums?

[captainfarrell]

My DD is under 16. We don't give her alcohol. To our knowledge she doesn't drink elsewhere. This last year her friends have had birthday 'gatherings' at home till about 10pm, parents are home and some girls sleep over. It has come to my attention via a couple of rogue FB pics and from another mum that alcohol has been at these parties. My DD says she hasn't had any but that others have smuggled it in however on a couple of occasions a couple of the mums bought it for the party.Most of the girls are 14 about to turn 15. I am shocked that they encourage this.Lots of teens experiment but supplying it seems a whole other ball game to me. AIBU?

Not sure what you're getting at grays

It's okay.

This is what my DD tells me in conversations but I am not naive and I am aware that she might not give me the whole truth. she has never shown an interest in alcohol at home at social occasions, like wanting a sip of wine etc. She has told me she feels pressure to try it at parties when some of her friends are. That's why she had a swig, so she tells me

Ay I'm sure you acknowledge the difference between what she says and does unlike my mum

I'm a bit shocked at people who seem to think that not only is it ok to give their underage children alcohol, but that it is also ok to offer alcohol to someone else's child without consulting first

I agree with your second point, but as for your first - do you think alcohol suddenly becomes "OK" at 18? Just because the government sets a limit doesn't make that the automatic yardstick does it - so you shouldn't be shocked that people are doing something that's perfectly legal when they judge it'sOK.

I am not judging other parents who choose to let their children drink. i am judging parents who make the decision to serve alcohol to other people's children without their knowledge. I am very relieved to read the amount of supportive comments on this thread AND the comments from parents who allow their children to drink but wouldn't dream of offering it to other people's children without their permission.That, I respect because those parents would be respecting my parenting choices.

I may have misunderstood this - you seemed to be condemning the entire concept of anyone being allowed to consume alcohol under 18 anywhere at any time under any circumstances.

I agree with you about other parents respecting your wishes but that's not the same as a total ban.

was Personally I disagree with 15 yr olds having alcohol. However my jurisdiction,if you like, only runs as far as my own little tribe . Parents make their own decisions about their own children, I am entitled to have an opinion on what they do, I am not entitled to tell them what to do unless it affects my child. My question was, AIBU to disagree with parents offering alcohol at parties that my 14/15 yr old attends, without my knowledge/permission. Along the way i have made my personal feelings clear, that doesn't mean i expect those parents to parent like me, just to respect my parenting. The end. Have a good weekend all.

The current legislation in the uk is quite clear regarding age limits I believe that should be followed by parents regardless of whether they agree or not. What gives another parent the right to go against something that is legislated against - what if this related to drugs that someone just happened to have a view on?

What gives another parent the right to go against something that is legislated against

This is not a discussion about giving alcohol to four year olds. There is no legal restriction whatsoever on serving alcohol on private premises to fifteen year olds or, come to that, six year olds. What legislation do you think is relevant to teenagers in a house being served alcohol purchased by someone over eighteen?

I get it. It's more about courtesy with regards to other people's children. If you are not sure if someone's child is allowed something, you ask. If it's about sweets, you ask the parent. If you are a parent and you have rules on sweets, you tell friend's parent they're not allowed. Same went for my eleven year old going into town on her own. My dd went to a friend's house and her mum asked if it would be ok for them to walk into town.

Back to alcohol, it's a big step for many parents . I am not uptight about alcohol. I drink myself. My own parents were quite liberal but I still don't get why another parent wouldn't ask how the other parents feel about giving alcohol to someone else's child, regardless to what the law says.

Would anyone really quote the law at someone if they complained and talk about their own views on drink? I can see how that would go down!

I still don't get why another parent wouldn't ask how the other parents feel

I have the feeling that this is a discussion by people with younger children who don't have a great deal of experience with teenagers. For a start off, how would I ask the parents of teenagers who come to the house? I don't know them, I've never met them, I don't have phone numbers or addresses. Are you suggesting I should quiz visitors to the house to get their parents' contact details? Do you think, perhaps, that having sixteen year old children is a world of parents contacting each other about playdates?

My younger, 16, went to a family New Year party at the house of one of her friends. I vaguely know the hosts to the point that I might recognise he father in the street, but I don't think I've ever met the mother. She drank there, served by the hosts, I gather. She got an Uber there, texted me to wish me a happy new year and arrived back the following day, given a lift by the hosts who were passing our way. There were about a dozen kids at the party. Are you proposing that the hosts should have quizzed guests as they arrived, phoned parents for their views on (entirely legal) alcohol, and then used a marked up photo inventory of guests to determine who was allowed access to the wine on the table?

I would offer alcohol to other guests in the house if I were offering it to my own children, just as I would offer pork if we were having hotdogs. It is no more my responsibility to enforce other people's views on alcohol than it is my responsibility to enforce other people's views on vegetarianism, kosher or halal. If you think you're going to get a point-by-point agreement on food and drink with the parents in houses your sixteen year old children visit, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

My dd went to a friend's house and her mum asked if it would be ok for them to walk into town.

Yes, that's exactly how it works with sixteen year olds .

Well, I don't have experience of teenagers. So what? I have experience of being one. My mother used to contact the parents of whose party it was -the number was either in the phone book or she got it off us. Or; if she didn't trust the parents, she wouldn't let us go. Just because they're teenagers, it doesn't mean there's zero communication. They may need a longer leash but they're still children.

Gandalf I did that at 14 and 15 too.

But I was the only parent doing so ( apparently!)

Was told at 16 that I was the only parent who cared..then there was a look of realisation at what had just been said.

I know of teens whose parents didn't dare curb them who later came back with "you didn't care what I did."
So I plough on with being a flaming nuisance.

Well I can see how sixteen might be difficult, but the OP was referring to fourteen and fifteen year olds. My dd went to a party when she was twelve and was offered alcopops. Fortunately I happened to be there and saw it, because she barely knew what alcohol was and thought that the percentage on the can meant that it had 7% of the alcohol you find in beer.

I haven't RTFT but where I am (Australia) there are new supply laws regarding under 18's. Parents and other adults (friends over 18) risk a hefty fine for supplying alcohol and I think it's a great move.

Just to clarify is that in the home too gruffalo?

My mother used to contact the parents of whose party it was

I've never heard of anyone doing that for teenagers. I've never been called, I've never called anyone, indeed I've never spoken to more than a tiny fraction of my children's friend's parents, and that usually in other contexts. Big city, school that draws from all over the city, parties five miles away. It might be different in small towns, I guess. I don't have phone numbers for parents, nor do my children because (unlike when Gandalf were a bairn) they have no reason to know the landline or mobile number of anyone other than their friend. And even if I did, I wouldn't phone them up because I would sound like a loon ("now look here, X's mother, I'm afraid that you don't come up to my standards of parenting so I am going to tell you what you need to do in order to have the privilege of my child's company").

If I couldn't trust my children to be sensible, I might be more hard line. They haven't rolled home drunk, I haven't been called to the A&E at two in the morning and when they have friends around, it appears to consist mostly of calling out for pizza to be delivered while watching Parks and Rec. If you can't trust your children to be sensible, outsourcing that problem to their friends' parents doesn't strike me as very effective, and the whole thing smacks of virtue signalling (I confess, if someone phoned me up to tell me that my parenting wasn't up to the standards they require, I"d suggest their child perhaps shouldn't be visiting).

Yes Hilda
Secondary Supply Laws now make it an offence for anyone to supply a juvenile with alcohol, without the written permission of their parent or guardian. Penalty is $10000. Rather quickly changed the face of 18th birthday parties, and so called "leavers" celebrations post Year 12.

I have, in the past, (before new laws) called parents whose homes my underage teens went to, and confirmed arrangements for pick up, and gave my mobile number plus discussed alcohol.
One reason is that I never wanted to answer the door to the police asking if I knew where my boys were or what they were doing. I made it very clear to them that I was serious about their safety, and I needed to make sure they were where and with whom they said they were going to be.

I actually can't understand why parents don't want to know.

That legislation would solve the op's problems!

I was amazed when I first saw the giving out of drinks to 13/14 year old guests at a house party here. Parents were not asked, it just didn't even cross the mind that anyone might not want it for their kids. Very odd as the host wasn't expecting it either - a guest rocked up with beer for the kids. Mine was only 10 or so and wasn't given it., I think puberty is seen as the opportune moment to begin to build up your alcohol tolerance!

Sure would
There's been a lot of research done that shows that delaying their first drink for as long as possible helps brain development, avoids liver disease, cancer risk in later life and avoid other myriad problems including unwanted sex and violence when kids are under the influence.

a wise woman once told me that you make family rules which are yours and not influenced by what other people do or say. Allowing underage kids to have alcohol because everyone else is doing it and it's hard to say no is frankly ridiculous. Have your own family rules and stand by them. If your kids then go on to abuse those rules and do their own thing regardless, well at least you had the balls to do some actual parenting in the first place.

another one here who would check in with parents hosting a sleepover. Not every sleepover, but, I would have gotten to know them at the beginning of the friendship, as they would me. I have more respect for parents who care enough to check me out. daughters friend (at 14/15) had to send her mother a snap shot of her outfit when she came here to get ready for a party/disco, to get the ok. Last week the girls who were not policed said to daughter and friend "you're so badass" and they are, because they are but also because they are so self assured due to being protected, loved and listened to as they grew up.

Obviously things were different then but my mum would approach it more as introducing herself and just finding out a bit more about what was happening, not to give them a grilling. As I said, she was pretty liberal re drink (probably too liberal in hindsight ). Certainly, children at ours weren't offered drink if she didn't know the parents or had an idea they'd disapprove. This is a small town but my mum was a city girl and the type to talk to anyone and everyone . She definitely wasn't one of those holier than though parents which weren't as common in the 70s/80s. It really would not bother me if parents phoned me the way she did.

We lived in the US a long time. If an under 21 year old even found any alcohol (to consume) we'd have been in massive trouble.
I couldn't believe what a huge part of life alcohol seemed to play back here (in the UK)
Our eldest drinks a bit (17) but isn't very interested, and isn't tempted that much because of the health risks. We have always been very relaxed about it. I don't drink, & Dh seems to favour red wine. Teens will want to try it - many lie and that is where the confusion comes in. Many parents are totally out of touch & and unaware. A bit like the very proud parents who think they control their teens social media. They really dont