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AIBU?

AIBU to object to teenage drinking encouraged by other mums?

177 replies

captainfarrell · 21/04/2016 13:55

My DD is under 16. We don't give her alcohol. To our knowledge she doesn't drink elsewhere. This last year her friends have had birthday 'gatherings' at home till about 10pm, parents are home and some girls sleep over. It has come to my attention via a couple of rogue FB pics and from another mum that alcohol has been at these parties. My DD says she hasn't had any but that others have smuggled it in however on a couple of occasions a couple of the mums bought it for the party.Most of the girls are 14 about to turn 15. I am shocked that they encourage this.Lots of teens experiment but supplying it seems a whole other ball game to me. AIBU?

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bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 16:54

Think of it like this it's in a controlled environment rather than in the park where it could get out of hand. I don't see nothing wrong with it what would you prefer her friends smuggling it in where there is no control or adults supplying it where there is control.

captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 17:54

ricardian I think the comments and comparisons in your last post are juvenile and by the time my DD goes to Uni, she will be 18. My DD doesn't want to drink, she just feels the peer pressure and tells me she had a swig of an alcopop that her friends had. She is a little confused I suppose and wonders why other parents think it's ok but we don't. She agrees she is too young. again, alcopops contain at least 4 percent alcohol so they are not a soft option for under age drinkers, just a sweeter pill if you like.

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gandalf456 · 22/04/2016 17:59

I don't think the comparisons fit either. I have no problem with sugar etc but alcohol is a different kettle of fish. It's a big step introducing alcohol and I'd prefer it to be me that does it

captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 18:01

bumble To me, if an adult supplies it, it condones it, the child thinks it's ok. I know my daughter and she is not showing any tendency to hang around streets and parks trying to get alcohol from strangers. She's quite a cautious and intelligent child thankfully and I'm sure she will make sensible decisions and I'm sure she will experiment at times too. I just don't want to put it on a plate for her.

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GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:08

I dunno, you can get a child condoms etc but it doesn't automatically condone sex.

My mum would have said EXACTLY the same thing about me as you've just said about your daughter. Now I'm an adult and I speak about the things I did she's gobsmacked and says she never expected me to do things like that. But I still hung around outside shops and got strangers to buy me alcohol. I was an intelligent kid, G&T with street smarts but it was just one of those things we all did. I was also very good at playing the 'oh mum i'm not into all that I dont get why people are' card.

I think I'm just personally of the view that if I can't stop it outright then I'm going to make it as safe as possible, and in conditions I can monitor. I understand completely why people don't agree with that though

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 18:15

Do you drink yourself?

At the minute I explain to my daughter every so often why I think underage sex is wrong and the consequences. Her reply is I know mum I am going to wait until I am 16. I think you need to tell her that this is how you feel and why and although other parents allow you wont and will never agree to it. Are you going to stop her from going to the party?

Atenco · 22/04/2016 18:31

I'm a bit shocked at people who seem to think that not only is it ok to give their underage children alcohol, but that it is also ok to offer alcohol to someone else's child without consulting first.

The genetics of the children of alcoholics are different to the genetics of non-alcohols and they are much more likely to fall into alcoholism. Also girls are more likely, under the influence of alcohol, to indulge in unsafe sex, meaning possible unwanted pregnancies and STDs. Moreover, drinking before being fully grown makes that person more at risk of alcoholism. So where is the benefit of encouraging young people to think that you need alcohol to be able to have a good time?

Gwenhwyfar · 22/04/2016 19:05

"People become addicted to alcohol; they become addicted to nicotine. Why is one so much better than the other?"

Almost all smokers are addicts, but most drinkers are not alcoholics.

Ricardian · 22/04/2016 20:23

To me, if an adult supplies it, it condones it, the child thinks it's ok.

So you would, presumably, decline to provide underaged girls with contraception, on the grounds that doing so condones underage sex? It's so nice to meet you, Mrs Gillick.

Ricardian · 22/04/2016 20:26

I think the comments and comparisons in your last post are juvenile

It wasn't me that said that parents have an obligation to prevent anything that other parents disapprove of. If you want to restrict the discussion to alcohol, then don't widen it out to other things.

My DD doesn't want to drink

So what's the problem, then? She doesn't want to, so she won't.

She is a little confused I suppose and wonders why other parents think it's ok but we don't.

Because they do think it's OK, and you don't. Hot news: not all parent agree, and just because you hold a particular view doesn't make you right, nor does it make other people evil, wrong or callous.

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 21:04

Are you judging their parenting decisions. Do you think they are bad parents I'm sure there are people out there who could pick holes out of your parenting. Some people have liberal attitudes to drinking doesn't mean there children turn into alcoholics. I don't think people turn into alcoholics because they were given a drink when they were 15 there's more to it than that.

HildaOgdensMuriel · 22/04/2016 21:17

Tell her alcopops are a cynical ploy from big business to get her hooked, it's not so far from the truth.

Atenco sadly it's the reality. Alcohol is positively lsuded where I am. The thing that really gets to me is that one alcoholic parent has even been not that far from death through a downward spiral. And their kids still hang out at alcohol parties. It's mental IMO.

I point this all out ( quietly) o my teen. The time of supporting other parents lifestyle choices and alternstive parenting methods has long since passed me by.

wheresthel1ght · 22/04/2016 21:33

My parents allows us to drink at parties under adult supervision from about 15/16. Their theory WA S they would rather we did it in a safe and controlled environment where they knew the alcohol was genuine than in some alley or park with God knows what mixed into the alcohol.

You can forbid your daughter to go to these events or you can educate her that she can say no. Or you can appreciate that other people have differing views.

Yabvu to judge another persons parenting based on your own standards.

captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 22:35

ricardian You're so right. Well done. run along now.

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captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 22:39

I am not judging other parents who choose to let their children drink. i am judging parents who make the decision to serve alcohol to other people's children without their knowledge. I am very relieved to read the amount of supportive comments on this thread AND the comments from parents who allow their children to drink but wouldn't dream of offering it to other people's children without their permission.That, I respect because those parents would be respecting my parenting choices.

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GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 22:40

i am judging parents who make the decision to serve alcohol to other people's children without their knowledge

You're right I think. I've made my thoughts known about children and alcohol but I don't think anyone has the right to give alcohol to another persons child.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 22:41

My DD doesn't want to drink, she just feels the peer pressure and tells me she had a swig of an alcopop that her friends had. She is a little confused I suppose and wonders why other parents think it's ok but we don't.

In fairness though lots of kids do and say this, I did. I was very convincing.

captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 22:44

gray i'm no mug, i was a 15 year old girl too. That's why I said "she tells me..."

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bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 22:51

You are right to feel the way you do in that respect. I would want to know if alcohol was at a party and if I didn't and my child came home drunk I would be mortified. If I new that there was alcohol at the party I wouldn't mind as long there was no boys just giggling girls enjoying a party then I'm fine with that.

captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 22:52

bumble That was what my post was about. AIBU to object to other parents providing alcohol for a party without telling me. Thank you, I think.

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bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 23:02

I misunderstood your post of course they should tell you. Why didn't they tell you and why hide it. It has nothing to do with your daughters decision making just the fact they didn't tell you. Does your daughter know who is attending the party.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 23:12

i'm no mug, i was a 15 year old girl too. That's why I said "she tells me..."

I'm not saying you're a mug. Just in no way did you imply that you take what she says with a pinch of salt :)

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captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 23:14

it's usually just girls but at one where there was a sleepover, when I picker her up in the morning a boy walked out with his sleeping bag. Again, parents hadn't told me and Dd said she didn't know him. I think I'm just unlucky with her peer group! Other friends who have older kids have told me they've never had this situation. I just hope she continues to talk to me. I've told her that if she's ever in a tricky or uncomfortable situation to call and I'll come and get her. I've helped her think of excuses or reasons to say no if offered something she doesn't want. It just bugs me that SOME other parents, who I stupidly presume are the trustworthy ones are the ones I need to be most wary of!

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captainfarrell · 22/04/2016 23:16

grays I thought it was obvious, in the wording that I chose.

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GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 23:21

Sorry captain I very much wasn't to me especially in the context.

my DD goes to Uni, she will be 18. My DD doesn't want to drink, she just feels the peer pressure

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