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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to teenage drinking encouraged by other mums?

177 replies

captainfarrell · 21/04/2016 13:55

My DD is under 16. We don't give her alcohol. To our knowledge she doesn't drink elsewhere. This last year her friends have had birthday 'gatherings' at home till about 10pm, parents are home and some girls sleep over. It has come to my attention via a couple of rogue FB pics and from another mum that alcohol has been at these parties. My DD says she hasn't had any but that others have smuggled it in however on a couple of occasions a couple of the mums bought it for the party.Most of the girls are 14 about to turn 15. I am shocked that they encourage this.Lots of teens experiment but supplying it seems a whole other ball game to me. AIBU?

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 21/04/2016 15:17

I'm perfectly sane thank you for your concern Apple Smile

Original poster
captainfarrell · 21/04/2016 15:17

I think the law in this country doesn't help. It's not illegal to give alcohol to a child at home. Many parents take that to mean it's safe to give children alcohol. One particular mum drinks heavily herself and so her views on alcohol would be lots different to mine. I do enjoy alcohol in moderation but I think it should be illegal until 18 as smoking is.

OP posts:
OP posts:
summerroses · 21/04/2016 15:22

It is great to normalize alcohol consumption, to have fun with it at home. But, why start at 14? Isn't it our job as parents to set up a safe place where you can talk to them about drink, sex, drugs, friendships, study, work etc. and give them sound advice? (you can do this without installing an optic in the kitchen). Also, be their parent and not their pal; give them the great excuse of "I'd love to but the old bitch would have a fit" - many a teenager has been relieved to have that stalwart at their disposable.
Yes, if you come from a home that is repressive, rigid, you will get pissed, laid, stoned whatever as soon as you escape. But, normalizing alcohol for 14 year olds is not the sane alternative. Set the bar high, give your children something to aim for. When the time is right, pour them a glass of wine, make them a cocktail. 14 ain't the right time. Don't they want a rite of passage e.g. having a legal cocktail at 18 to look forward to.
At 14/15 mine were allowed to taste (usually didn't like it) or if we were celebrating to have a small glass of champagne maybe. And, I trotted out the line about alcohol being liquid bread etc. a lot.

Now, that my oldest drinks, I enjoy having a drink with her. She feels really glamourous (last month it was a G&T) and I'm counselling that being drunk might be dangerous re. sexual assault and to control her drinking so that she remains in control. So far, so good.

Gottagetmoving · 21/04/2016 15:24

Isn't it illegal to purchase alcohol for an underage person?

OK,..if you have alcohol in your home and you allow your teen to have a glass of wine, then that may be considered ok but a parent should not be supplying alcohol for their kids friends at parties.
Not sure, but I think if another parent complains, then the parents buying th alcohol could be in trouble?

Original poster
captainfarrell · 21/04/2016 15:26

Totally agree summer, 14/15 is just too young. If I had come on here saying a parent was buying cigarettes for children I think I know the responses.

OP posts:
OhYouBadBadKitten · 21/04/2016 15:26

It's odd how it has become so normal for some. I honestly think that a lot of whether children drink alcohol or not though depends on their personalities and also what sort of alcohol they have access to. dd and her friends are 16, some not that far off 17, none of them drink. dd is allowed a small drink on special occasions - but she doesn't like it at all and so doesn't want it. I think part of the issue is the old chestnut of alcoholic drinks specifically targeted at the palate of that age group.

RainbowJack · 21/04/2016 15:33

YANBU I always find it shocking how people justify giving drugs to minors.

It does more harm than good, so WHY? For fun? Seriously!

Crispbutty · 21/04/2016 15:34

I was a teen in the late 1980's and it was certainly the norm for me, and twenty years later was the norm for my friends children and their peers.

Occasional moderate drinking at a party is not going to harm any teenager. Banning them from touching it and the teen then either sneaking behind their parents back, or completely getting bladdered at the age of 18 is not the best way in my view.

I think it is good for a teenager to know how to be aware of the effects of alcohol, under the supervision of responsible adults, because a teen who isnt, and who gets drunk can easily be in danger. Not just from the effects of the alcohol but from their actions while they are under the influence of it. They may not have intended to get wasted, but inexperience and being clueless is not going to help them.

Cigarettes are not the same as alcohol. I wish to god I had never started smoking when I was a teenager.

amarmai · 21/04/2016 15:36

the basic assumption seems to be that alcohol is necessary to have a good time. I do not agree . No one has the right to abrogate the decision whether someone else's cc will be given alcohol before legal drinking age. Parents who have done this have been charged.

thebestfurchinchilla · 21/04/2016 15:37

crispbutty Read the link I posted above. It's a myth that early drinking makes you become a more responsible drinker. The older the better when it comes to being drunk for the first time imo. If it's bad at 18 then how can it be ok at 14?

corythatwas · 21/04/2016 15:42

I think this is where you have to make some decisions as a parent to your child, because you are not going to be in a position to make decisions about other parents or their children. As far as I can remember teen parties were very similar in my day, and in dh's day, which is why I never went to any. Knowing this, you make the decision to let them go when you are confident that they can stick to a deal agreed on beforehand.

Crispbutty · 21/04/2016 15:45

There is a huge difference between having a couple of drinks and being drunk.

YoJesse · 21/04/2016 15:47

I think the parents saying that it's ok as they can control and supervise early drinking experiences by starting it at home either have very sensible children or are being duped. As a teen I'd get started over dinner, drinking with the family then I'd go out with friends, have some more and whatever else was on offer, come home and be able to bluff (most of the time) that I hadn't continued drinking. Like I said upthread though it really depends on the individual teen.

Gottagetmoving · 21/04/2016 15:47

Its not about whether alcohol is good or bad for an underage teen, or whether kids should or should not drink.
It is about whether an adult should be supplying alcohol for consumption by underage kids,.

Owllady · 21/04/2016 16:11

I won't be buying it for mine. They can buy their own when they are 18 if they want

Owllady · 21/04/2016 16:14

You can be prosecuted can't you, for supplying to children who are underage Confused
It's a bit different to a mum letting a teen have a glass of Bailey's at Christmas

Primaryteach87 · 21/04/2016 16:18

My parents allowed alcohol at home from about 14/15. They are not big drinkers and were good parents who cared where we were, how we did at school etc. That was normal amongst other families in my middle class childhood too. I think your expectations of no drinking are unusual in my experience.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 21/04/2016 16:20

I think YABU, and also that this won't work out the way you think it might.

The one of DD's friends whose mum is most adamant about this is also the one who lies to her mum all the time, sneaks out to parties, where she can drink far, far, more alcohol than she would at more 'legitimate' parties where parents are there to keep an eye and a limit.

I actually think that a few gatherings at 14/15 where there's a definitely limited amount of cider and some parents present are a better way into the inevitable nights out in a few years time where you won't be there to supervise, than your 18 year old and friends going out with their new IDs and go crazy.

Primaryteach87 · 21/04/2016 16:20

There was alcohol at every teen party I went to from 15. Generally people weren't hugely drunk though and the parents were at home.

Mousefinkle · 21/04/2016 16:20

My mum really handled this issue badly. It was perfectly okay for her to drink copious amounts around me every weekend but I wasn't allowed to touch the stuff Hmm. As a result I naturally wanted to know what the deal was so at 14 drank for the first time and got blind drunk. Dangerously so actually. I tried a bit of everything in my friends parents alcohol cabinet after school. Parents were at work and friend was an only child so we had the house to ourselves. I had whiskey, cognac, vodka, alcopop, beer and gin. The first time I drank! I was obviously profusely sick, my mum went mental when I got home. I think I was grounded for two months.

Didn't stop me! Got alcohol poisoning a few months later. Had a sleepover at a friends house, her parents went away for the weekend leaving their house in the hands of six 14 year old girls Shock and they bought us a crate of beer! I was only one of two that would drink so I drank 10 bottles of Budweiser and stole some of her parents whiskey.

Had a bit of an issue with alcohol actually as a teen. To a point where I was smuggling bottles of beer or cider home and drinking a bit before school...

I think my mother handled it all appallingly. I like the way they do it throughout the rest of Europe, just drinking a glass of wine with the evening meal and offering children over a certain age some. I'd say 11/12 is a good starting point, if they want it. Seeing the parents drinking moderately is much healthier than how it was for me, witnessing my mother binge drinking at the weekend.

AppleSetsSail · 21/04/2016 16:25

Cigarettes are not the same as alcohol. I wish to god I had never started smoking when I was a teenager.

We can agree on the basis that I would never touch a cigarette and I mightily enjoy a glass of red wine. But does that make sense? People become addicted to alcohol; they become addicted to nicotine. Why is one so much better than the other?

drspouse · 21/04/2016 16:29

It's also about the "just" alcopops. Yes there are stronger drinks, but these are designed to appeal to children and teens, with their sweet, fizzy drink taste. It could be particularly hard for them to limit their intake with that kind of drink.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 21/04/2016 16:49

I don't really see a problem with it. Keep it supervised and stop it being a big adult forbidden mystery.
It's like sex; when it's a forbidden adult experience it's full of glamour! (To a teen). When they deal with the reality of contraception, learning about stis, it makes it seem less appealing, more a thing that is part of reality, with good and bad sides.

Treat alcohol the same. Let them learn how it can taste, how it can be enjoyed but once the mystery is gone so is much of the excitement. A hangover will take away the urge to overindulge, and in a home means much less likely to have bad outcomes.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 21/04/2016 16:52

Pretty much every survey shows that drinking by young people is decreasing. If anything in recent years there has been far greater denormalisation of alcohol consumption. Now some may argue that it hasn't gone far enough and no under 18s should drink etc which I guess is a reasonable opinion, but we shouldn't be under illusions that the 'problem' (depending on how you define it) is getting worse.