To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

[movingonup2015]

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

Sorry Fireflies, X-posted with your last post.

Feeling guilt, sadness & loss are not just the prerogative of the wronged party - people are much more complex than that.

A sentiment that is never expressed on MN when the man has cheated on his DW.

For what it's worth, I agree with you

"The generalised hatred towards current wives/husbands or girlfriends/boyfriends is just as awful and damaging to children as the other way round, "

Couldn't agree more PenguinePenguins !

I remember years ago, the now ex wife of my daughter's father who according to the pedants may or may not have been her stepmum at the time, as I can't remember if it was before or after they got married being really worried that I would be upset that the wee sausage had made her a Mother's Day card (it was the sweetest thing, she had written something along the lines of "I'm luckier than Snow White AND Cinderella, because I have a lovely stepmother, not a wicked one") My take on the situation was that I was grateful her father was with someone who loved and cared for her; and I told her so.

Someone who is involved in a longterm relationship with a co-parenter will ALWAYS be in a difficult situation, people will always judge whether they are too involved/ not involved enough/ interfering/ ignoring the kid. I mean this generally, I am not commenting on the ops situation in particular - I don't know how long they have been together, living arrangements etc. It just annoys me that often times, it is assumed that either/both the new or current partner is always going to be problematic.

Eustace, we've taken legal advice on this. Legally, my partner & I have exactly the same rights whether we are married or not. I completely understand that different countries legal systems vary though.

For a few years, there were some nice photos of me and my ex having a good time. Frankly, I found it VERY difficult to stomach, but DS wanted them there and I didn't have the heart to say no.

I don't think DS was confused thinking we would go back, in fact he didn't even want to see his dad at that time, but some way it looked as he needed to know he was born in a loving relationship.

memyson That varies from child to child though, because my DHs DS was very upset by the thought that his parents did once love each other enough to marry and have DCs.

It contrasted to much with the conflict and vitriol between them that he was exposed to once they split.

Now he's older, he just thinks his mum is 'weird' because she says she hates DH but never stops talking about him ( and as I mentioned upthread, displays holiday pictures etc).

I've posted up thread earlier, not in support of the OP.

However, re changing details on different threads lots of us do it. I was previously a long standing MNer, since 2007 I think.

I changed details and family size when posting about problems I was having with ex and stepmum, sometimes to maintain anonymity, sometimes because the post would have been very identifying. I didn't do it to deceive or skew responses.

I ended up getting banned after one thread and had to re-register. I didn't bother emailing MNHQ to explain what had happened, but realise that after trawling through my name changes and different time lines they probably deleted me for trolling. I was just trying to be anonymous. So people do do it.

Well... to clear a few things up - yes I have changed some details, there is nothing wrong with that - its not like I've massively lied and said oh I was never the other woman when actually I was that's not the case at all.

All you need to know is I was NOT the other woman and they were NOT together when I started to go out with him - I have purposely refrained from using the word "met him" because heck if you want to get technical I actually first "met him" when I was 5 years old!

I purposely omit some information from my threads because a) they will go on longer than they already are and b) well you don't need to know the very very fine details, when all I've said was I think its weird to have photos up of your ex, why does that then need a whole load of information relating to when we first met, how old we both are (which I have also changed in past threads FYI!), how long we've been together etc none of that actually matters
and c) I mayaswell list names, places and job titles if I go into that much detail.

And as for the fact that because we aren't married therefore my opinions count for nothing well that's very old fashioned, lots of people aren't married to their partners (am I allowed to say partners or should I stick to boyfriends/girlfriends??) but does that mean their relationships shouldn't be taken seriously?

There are lots of posts about the exw yes, but that's only because all the things that happen on a daily basis seem just completely odd to me and I don't really know if its normal or not having never had this issue before. My ex had a child but we never encountered any problems at all with his ex, she was normal, she contacted him when she needed to, she didn't hound him, she didn't ring him at all hours, never asked him for favours unrelated to their son, she didn't bake him food, didn't ask him to wait in her house until she got home so they could pretend they were still happily together, she didn't have photos of him all around the house, she didn't still call him her partner when they were no longer together, she didn't make up lies about me, didn't try to turn her son against me and ban him from even mentioning my name, she was just a normal person which is why this relationship I'm finding hard to deal with her as I foolishly assumed my previous experience was what happened in most relationships with children from previous partners.

Also just to clear another point up - SHE ended the relationship because she was fed up that he was the one working, (she wasn't), and she wanted to party all the time and he didn't - not a biased view either before anyone says anything - remember I knew them before we got together and he didn't cheat on her either.

I come on here to get an unbiased view most of the time because anytime I confide in my friends (who a few happen to be ex friends of hers)they just respond with "she's a nutter, she's getting worse!" which isn't just because its what they want me to hear, its because they've had first hand experience with her and why they are all ex friends of hers because she's done crazy things to them aswell.

So what I have learnt so far from this thread is that its perfectly normal and acceptable to put up photos of your ex around the house 4/5/6/7 years down the line after a divorce. Its also ok that she continues to find new ways to get his attention even though she ended it, because after all she was there first so that's ok.

If you aren't married you aren't allowed to be taken seriously and definitely not allowed to have any input on your boyfriends sons life no matter how long you've been together.
Any new relationships have to take a back seat and exw gets priority 100% of the time and any abnormal behaviour should actually be seen as normal.
And all of the above is none of my business - if she wants to find new ways of trying to get back into my boyfriends life this is none of my business.
However, if we were married it quickly becomes all of my business?!
I KNOW its none of my business what she puts up in her hallway but to be fair I never once asked the question "Is this any of my business?" I just asked "this is weird isn't it?"

I have seen a lot of threads bitching about family members, partners, best friends and that's all ok - but the minute you even so much as question an ex doing mad things is something to be annoyed about well how very dare you!

Just out of interest - if I'd come on here and said my boyfriend and I split up years ago but I recently redecorated and put loads of photos of us together all over my hallway so people could see when they came in - would you have told me I need to move on or would you have said its totally fine and normal keep doing it?

I would suggest counselling and I would think you were nuts.

As I would do the same to her if she were my friend.

Posters have deliberately confused having photos of your ex lying around in albums, in kids rooms, in living rooms, with deliberately putting up romantic wedding photos when decorating after a divorce of several years. I don't know why they are deliberately confusing the two but hey there you go.

I still think you sound overly obsessed with what she is doing, and wide eyed faux innocence about 'I just wanted to get an outside opinion' and 'I just wanted to know if it was a bit weird' etc is completely at odds with your 'LOL, what a fucking nutter, right' tone in your opening posts & thread title.

When you start your post with LOL lets laugh at the crazy woman - you're going to get these kind of responses - a more considered op wouldn't - something to think about eh?

I think what got people was there is a 9 year old who picked up the vibes and calls his mum weird because of it.

Many of us are either stepparents or have a child who has a stepparent and are acutely aware of the needs of such children. It is a walk on a tightrope at the best of times. You'd be totally free to mock the ExW if you weren't going out with a dad. Since a child is involved many parents will recoil a bit because this is his mum, not random ExW.

And going back to our first post OP you sound unkind and a bit like you're crowing over the exW. "Look, he's all mine now"

Whatever one thinks of the exW's decision, your desire to ridicule her on the internet is rather distasteful.

It's normal. She can't just bar years of her life and pretend they didn't happen.
Maybe she wants her son to know that his parents loved each other at one point.
I don't think she's making it as a demonstration for you, probably only for her son.

yep I can see that, I can see that an outsider would read that I'm sat here mocking and bitching - that's fine, I cant change anyone's perceptions but all I can say is that I'm not, it was really more of a WHAT?! type laugh and if I don't laugh I'll cry type thing and yes perhaps I should have worded it differently and perhaps waited until I was a bit less shocked and annoyed about the whole thing and worded it differently.

I didn't come on here expecting everyone to LOL with me and start bitching about her - there were going to be mixed responses I get that. But people prefer to focus on how I've worded things rather than addressing the question of is it weird?

I still don't get what it's got to do with you though, beak out

It's normal? To put up wedding photos years after you've taken them down? I've never heard of anyone doing that before and would think anyone who did do it quite odd! It's one thing having them in an album or one or two in the child's bedroom and something else entirely to be acting in the way this woman is.

Movingonup - you'd probably be better posting on stepparenting next time.
I took your "LOL" to represent your disbelief - kind of in a "what on earth is she doing" laugh. My husband's ex is a mad as a crate of frogs kind so I understand that need to laugh at the situation.

Costa - are we only allowed to comment or have opinions on things that are directly our business now??

But people prefer to focus on how I've worded things rather than addressing the question of is it weird?

Weird or not is irrelevant. 9 year old boy calling mum weird to please dad and stepmum is really really bad. So odd behaviour by mum really isn't the thing that sprang out at me as the important point here. Parents have no influence who their Ex starts a relationship with and the situation you describe is one I would fear. My DH is my DC's dad, but you never know what the future holds. It could be you one day, too, having to send your kid to some stepmum not knowing what he'll encounter.

yes - thankyou fourormore that's exactly how I meant it! and Costa I have already said I KNOW its not my business what she puts up in her hallway and that's not what I originally asked is it, I've asked is it weird that's all, not once have I said "should I march right round there and demand she takes them down?" because I know that's not reasonable because she can have a giant replica model of him in her living room which again Is none of my business but still doesn't make it normal!

So it's not your business - ignore and move on, there must be something else you can find to be interested in/bothered about - otherwise you give the impression of giving her way too much headspace

And yes, kids pick up on vibes and overhear things they're not meant to - for him to call his mum 'weird' to you and his father is very sad

But paxillin - I don't understand why you think he would be saying these things to please us when we have never shown any sense of being pleased at what he says about her? He is always reprimanded when he says bad things about her so I don't know why he would be saying things to try to make us happy when it doesn't?

Yeah I can totally see why a mum would have serious reservations about their child meeting a new partner of their ex but surely if the child comes home (every single time)and raves about how much they like the new partner then there's nothing to worry about? And surely they shouldn't ban the child from the mere mention of new partners name? - again this is all off topic but I just wanted to point that out.

That is actually crazy. Is she depressed or anything?
So so weird

Whatever one thinks of the exW's decision, your desire to ridicule her on the internet is rather distasteful.

I think it shows admirable restraint! Having been on the receiving end of similar and worse behaviour, from DHs ex, it takes a great deal of restraint and self control to only post about it anonymously on an Internet forum.

I used to fantasise about sending DHs exWs diatribes to her boss, or setting up a website and displaying the court documents and emails she had submitted about me in all their crackpot glory - such was the degree to which I felt my life and reputation was out of my control.
Eventually, with the support of a fabulous counsellor, I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to share my life with DH, this is how it is going to be - never knowing what his exW will allege, or do, next that may affect me professionally, personally or emotionally.

Once you acknowledge that there are whole aspects of your life that you can't predict - such as discovering that loved up wedding photos of your DP are being displayed by his exW - and more importantly, accepting that you can't predict your emotional response to those things, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate.
But anonymous internet forums are a safe place to express those emotions and something that counsellors have recommended, in my experience.

But people prefer to focus on how I've worded things rather than addressing the question of is it weird?

So we're weird too?
Weird is a word you use a lot isn't it?
Little surprise then that it's a word that the little boy has picked up on as a descriptor.

And btw, you are also pushing back responsibility for how people perceive you based on your own choice of words.
Perhaps you are the problem and not the rest of the world?
Just a thought.

Completely agree with PBF. Having an ex like I do, and like the OP and PBF seem to really is one of those things that you can't know how you'll react until you're in it. It can completely mess with your mind until, as PBF says, you find someone who can help you out of the maze.

You cannot, in this situation, just pretend that this stuff isn't happening. It isnt normal behaviour to put up wedding photos years after they have been taken down and I imagine most people in the OPs position would find it hard to resist the draw to trying to understand the message is trying to give by putting them up.