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AIBU?

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Original poster

To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

291 replies

movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 09:48

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

OP posts:
howtodowills · 19/04/2016 21:40

Haven't read any of OPs previous posts but given there is a Back story is it possible the ex is doing it just to wind you up OP?

sparechange · 19/04/2016 21:40

Of course it is weird
It not surprised that MN is in its finest with people saying you are odd Hmm

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/04/2016 21:41

Well she obviously still if not loves has feelings for him and she's entitled to. He is after all the father of her children.
It seems like you're wallowing in her misery tbh. Pretty fucking phychotic if you ask me.
Oh and their marriage didn't work out. Who's gave you a guarantee yours will.

Lighteningirll · 19/04/2016 21:42

I have photos of my ex up always have always will there us a photo of us and our dd up in his living room too. Our dc know we were once very in love and very happy and are both sad it went wrong my dh and his (the exdh) new dw have no problem with it. My dh loathes his ex and no matter how hard he tries that constantly leaks out to his dc I know which I would prefer.

Eustace2016 · 19/04/2016 21:43

"Simple Definition of stepmother
: a woman that your father marries after his marriage to or relationship with your mother has ended
Full Definition of stepmother

:  the wife of one's father when distinct from one's natural or legal mother".

You must be married to be a step mother. You can't just be a lover or live in partner even if you've lived together for 30 years. Marriage is a very different relationship in law from live in lovers in all kinds of ways from inheritance tax to spousal maintenance etc etc.

MeredithFrampton · 19/04/2016 21:43

WannaBe MeredithFrampton it is very bad form to drag up previous posts and quote them verbatim on another thread. And while I agree that the OP seems to have been inconsistent in her postings, she isn't on trial here. This is a talk forum, not a courtroom.

But it makes a real difference to the meaning of what she's saying.

I asked her on this thread because her attitude towards the marriage struck me as one that would only make sense if she haD been party to breaking it up.
The level of jealousy and insecurity.

I looked up previous posts based on others' comments & saw that my hunch was right.

I am familiar with MN etiquette but I think it's worse form to

  • jeer at someone & hold them up.for ridicule on a public forum, particularly when you have some responsibility for their child
  • lie about the fundamental facts of a situation in order to skew the responses you get
howtodowills · 19/04/2016 21:48

Why do people have such an issue with the term "stepmum" for women who aren't married to their DP but still do a heck of a lot of "parenting" of his kids from previous relationship?

I understand not wanting every single one of dad's girlfriends to be "stepmum" but seriously what is the issue with a long term live in partner who is fulfilling every part of a stepmum role (and often more) being called a stepmum?

Funny that people don't have the same issue with stepdad. Men are heroes if they play a good supportive stepdad role to their DP's kids.

I don't get why people have such a problem with the term... Can someone enlighten me please?

leelu66 · 19/04/2016 21:51

How is she a 'stepmum'? They're not married. She's his dad's girlfriend

I think OP meant to say 'DP's DS', instead of 'DSS' or 'DS'.

FuzzyOwl · 19/04/2016 21:55

OP, After reading through just two of your other posts, I am really confused by timelines. On 24 March 2015 you said that you had been with your partner for two years but on 20 May 2015, it was one year. You also said on 24 March 2015 that your partner's son was 9, yet he is still the same age today (which is over a year later). I really need to have honest posts from you to be able to judge whether you are being reasonable or not because otherwise I have no reason to think you are telling the truth about the wedding photos as you clearly haven't been so far with your postings.

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 21:56

I still have 2 wedding photos up in my living room even though me and STBX split up last year. They're not 'on display' as such, just there where they've always been (I probably won't put them up in our new house, but I'll give them to the kids to do what they want with them).

The kids have pictures of us together in their rooms as well, and there's a few fridge magnet things of various days out of all of us.

It's not remotely weird to me, because I have no regrets about our marriage - we had good times and 16 years of happy memories. Things have ended but we're still friends - he's got a couple of family pictures in his new place too.

It would piss me off no end if a new partner of either of us had tantrums and demands about how we were 'supposed' to behave as separated, amicable co-parents.

Queenie73 · 19/04/2016 22:02

I kind of admire her organisational abilities. I've been married for 22 years and i still haven't got round to getting copies of our wedding photos made to hang on the wall.
Back to the actual point, it seems a bit odd to me, but if it makes her feel comfortable and she isn't hurting anyone, then what's the harm? It might be part of her healing process after they split, or maybe she likes to look at pics of herself when she looked her most beautiful? I wouldn't, myself, because I looked like a cream satin sofa, but maybe she looked and felt great and she likes to remember that?

sleeponeday · 19/04/2016 22:02

Penguins it's also the case that if it was anyone other than the dreaded step mother and new partner posting, people would think it weird too.

Sorry, but bollocks. I've posted often in support of the many amazing women who provide thoughtful love and care for other women's kids. It astonishes me, how much people feel it is okay to ask and expect from them, and how kneejerk the attacks.

To assume all stepmothers are saintly and wronged is no more sensible than the reverse.

GraysAnalogy · 19/04/2016 22:06

Have people considered the fact that OP may have altered timelines and facts to hide her identity? A bit like a lot of us do?

Lighteningirll · 19/04/2016 22:07

On the subject of previous posting I don't expect total consistency this is an anonymous forum changing details that are not pertinent to the current post to preserve anonymity is fine with me. I have said on posts I have been with dh eight years on one post ten on another actually it's nine and a half but changing details preserves (or feels like it preserves) my anonymity

Lighteningirll · 19/04/2016 22:09

Grays Grin I am too verbose well said

MeredithFrampton · 19/04/2016 22:28

The difference between ripping your boyfriend's ex-wife to shreds and ridiculing her when you either

(a) started a relationship with him while he was married to her, having known them as a married couple for years, or

(b) didn't even meet him until after they were divorced, is not a trivial number-change though, is it?

It puts things in a totally different light.

SingingOutOfTune · 19/04/2016 22:29

OllyBJolly,

You've said what was in my mind.
Never been divorced but can only imagine how hard it must be to cope loosing your partner and watching them move on as gracefully as one can and on top of that having to share the affections of your child with his new woman...

wombthereitis · 19/04/2016 22:34

You could be bloody sure if it was the OP's girlfriend walking into loads of pictures that her ex husband had framed of the two of them on their wedding day you'd all think it was fucking weird Hmm

ClopySow · 19/04/2016 22:39

english is vital

To whom?

This thread is batshit.

OP you didn't do yourself any favours, what with all the LOLing and stuff. But yanbu.

Penguinepenguins · 19/04/2016 23:03

Families come in many different shapes and sizes these days, I really do get very annoyed when people start going off topic and start telling other people what their role is to the children that are in their lives.

I agree the OP didn't put herself in the best light with the LOL but maybe that was just out of frustration.

The generalised hatred towards current wives/husbands or girlfriends/boyfriends is just as awful and damaging to children as the other way round, especially when those ladies or men are in loving stable relationships with a child's parent. Really annoys the shit out of me.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 23:16

Marriage is a very different relationship in law from live in lovers in all kinds of ways from inheritance tax to spousal maintenance etc etc.

When it comes to relationships with DCs/DSC, marriage makes not one jot of difference.

Unless, of course, the marriage breaks down, in which case, a married partner has the automatic right to apply for contact with their DSC, irrespective of the length of the marriage. An unmarried partner, on the other hand, only has that right if they have lived with the DC for 2 years, the same as any other adult in the DCs life does.

I often wonder whether those who are quick to condemn unmarried stepmums for referring to themselves as such would be supportive of a married stepmum applying to court for contact with their DSC if the marriage broke down. After all, they are the real stepmums, and have that right in law, don't they?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 23:21

Never been divorced but can only imagine how hard it must be to cope loosing your partner and watching them move on as gracefully as one can and on top of that having to share the affections of your child with his new woman...

What if you had behaved in a way that gave your DH grounds for divorce? Infidelity? Would you struggle to cope with "losing your spouse" and resent having to "share" your DCs then?
Or would you concede that perhaps you got what you deserved - and in fact, were a pretty crap mother for cheating on your DCs dad in the first place?

The OP has not, at any point on this thread, given the background to her DPs separation and divorce. The assumptions being made that the exW is the wronged party are at best, projection, and at worst, man-hating.

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 23:21

In this particular case though, the OP is not a parent in any sense of the word.

She does not live with her partner, they live apart.

She is the girlfriend who is sometimes present during access times.

Completely different to a live-in partnership where the relationship to any children is much more concrete & consistent and the live-in partner has a parenting role.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 23:25

mango I don't disagree with you - although it's not always that simple because I have known of couples with their own (planned) child who chose to live apart - and they both have a parenting role.

I'm challenging the assertions of some PP that stepparenting has a legal status and that unless you are married, you are overstepping by referring to yourself as one.

My DH has two DCs. I used to refer to myself as their stepmum - but we no longer have a relationship, so I am no longer their stepmum. I have challenged many people in our lives who give me that label based on my marital status - it's ridiculous.

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 23:26

What if you had behaved in a way that gave your DH grounds for divorce? Infidelity? Would you struggle to cope with "losing your spouse" and resent having to "share" your DCs then?

Im sure that many people feel that way, even if they have caused the break up.

My husband had an affair, I ended the marriage.
He concedes that he is wholly to blame for the break up, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel bad at losing his spouse & family or would resent me moving on.

Feeling guilt, sadness & loss are not just the prerogative of the wronged party - people are much more complex than that.

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