To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

[movingonup2015]

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

I have NEVER been acknowledged by my DPs ex, in ten years.

That's really horrible.

I really like DS's stepmum, she's totally cool. I can't imagine what she'd think if I put up wedding photos of me and her DP up several years after our divorce.

I think that sometimes it's not possible to do the right thing WRT knowing about the ex's new partner is concerned. I agree that any parent would want to know what kind of relationship their child has with their potential step parent, and any decent parent would want that relationship to be a positive one. The problem here is that it's never that black and white because:

On the one hand some parents don't want to concede that their child may have a positive relationship with another person who may be a parental figure in their lives. Just look at the posts on here from people telling new partners to "know your place,". And that they have no business being involved with the DSC's lives in any more than a superficial role. This says a lot more about the insecurities of the ex than it does about the genuine wellbeing of the children.

On the other hand many new partners have automatically taken against the ex and feel as if any kind of interest in them is somehow an intrusion into their life, and how dare the ex question what they're doing, even if that questioning is with good intentions of knowing that the relationship is a positive one for their children.

Too many people (both ex's and step parents) seem to forget that somewhere underneath all the bitterness and hostility there is the children's wellbeing.

Bad luck OP. I think your insecurities and issues with your boyfriends close relationship with the mother of his child prompted you to write a diatribe which may or may not be loosely based on the truth. And you expected lots of back slapping and empathy. Which you didn't get.

My Ex has a load of our joint photo albums and has loads of our family pictures up on his walls. I have the rest of the albums which are clearly displayed. Kids regularly look through them. They have family photos up at their dads in both living rooms and bedrooms. My partner has a photo of him and his Ex wife and the kids up in his living room. My step mum regularly dusts and polishes the photos of my mum and dads wedding day that sit in her living room.

It's what happens when secure, happy adults aren't investing their emotional energy in trying to airbrush their partners past out of the picture. It's what happens when adults place the feelings of children first. It's what happens when you're a grown up. Perhaps you ( and a few others on this thread) should try it.

It's what happens when secure, happy adults aren't investing their emotional energy in trying to airbrush their partners past out of the picture. It's what happens when adults place the feelings of children first. It's what happens when you're a grown up. Perhaps you ( and a few others on this thread) should try it.

Despite your sanctimonious lecture, it is also possible for people to need different things to you and your DCs.

My DD would be "weirded out" (her words) if I suddenly put loved-up pictures of me and her Dad on display - on the back of this thread, I asked her, and she said it would be incredibly disrespectful of my DH, her stepdad, and her Dads DW, her stepmum, who she also feels loyalty and love towards.

Your way is not the right way for everyone.

your boyfriends close relationship with the mother of his child

Eh? Where have you got that from?

Ah again, the deliberate confusing of family photos that have been around for years, and the sudden putting up of romantic wedding photos several years after a divorce.

How odd that posters think the two situations are exactly the same.

'The sudden putting up?

Or the 'what story can I invent now to have a pop at the Ex on Mumsnet ? ' wink]

And the close relationship is one where two parents can put aside whatever differences they may have and work together for the benefit of their children, with those children as the priority. Despite the insecurities and neediness of anyone else around them. If a few photos bother you all so much I would suggest that there are slightly more significant issues going on.

' Wanders off to polish dodgy late 90's all white background family portrait while resisting the urge to blacken out Exs teeth'

Lemonblast - they don't have a close relationship (why do people keep assuming they do?!)

He really dislikes her (whether that's right or wrong it's irrelevant, that's his feelings and that's how it is) because of what she put him through so there is no close relationship and quite possibly never will be.

We had plans for next weekend to go away, we've given plenty of notice and exw agreed it was no problem and she would do something fun with her DS for the whole weekend. She's contacted DP last night to say she's been invited for a girls weekend away the same weekend as we made plans and DP has to have his DS or she will be sending him to stay with her friend for the weekend..DP's DS got very upset because he doesn't want to go to this friend, he wants to be either with his mum or his dad. She is adamant she is going so DP has now said we have to cancel.

So is that also none of my business even though it greatly affects me, because our plans have now been cancelled?

BTW I also LOL'd at that last night aswell - shoot me down....(making plans on the same weekend as us, not DP's DS getting upset just to make that very clear)

As for people saying I should stop being fixated with her and find something else to think about - well that's all very well, but it affects me on a daily basis, it is literally something new every single day - quite hard to put that to the back of your mind and think about something else when new things happen daily that affect you (directly or indirectly)

I'm thst case OP, perhaps you should think about ending the relationship. If you can't rise above it and let it go, it's going to continue to fester and have you getting this worked up forever, they have a child together so she isn't going anywhere.

It's not doing you, DP or your DSS any good having you so insecure and bitter about his ex wife; so if I were you I'd walk away and find someone with no baggage.

My response to Charley was a misunderstanding, I thought she meant not once has her ex been asked how is your relationship with Charley, or asked about her. I didn't realise she meant the DC.

However I still wouldn't and don't ask the DC how their relationship is with SM. You can't win, there are so many posts on here from SMs which mention mothers 'grilling' DC on what happens at their dads house. I'm not sure how the SMs know the DC are being grilled but I suspect that asking how they get on with SM would be classed as grilling.

I smile and nod when DC talk about SM. I do sometimes ask them where they went or what they've been up to on a weekend. I don't ask how their relationship is or how SM is, DC would think that weird and none of my business.

I haven't read the whole thread.

My parents divorced when I was young and I found a lovely photograph of their wedding the other day. However many more wives my dad had (two before he died) My mum had 6 babies with him and was with him for 15 years and never loved anyone else. He was her lobster. He dropped her with incredible ease. But still it makes me feel a little validated to see how much they once loved and valued each other. Me and my siblings were the product of that union and the marriage was part of what led to us.

I think it is always hard for the kids and the ex wives who've been dumped and then the new wives want to rewrite history or delete all history that doesn't include them.

I find it a bit self-important honestly. My last stepmother was pretty good actually. She realised my mother simply never met anyone else who she loved and so my dad couldn't help but remain more important to her than he would have been to a woman who had succeeded in 'moving on' and deleting that marriage from history.

But I think it's a bit insensitive. He was married to her. Nothing anyone can do to undo that. the child may be secretly proud of that validation, no one can see inside a child of divorce in my opinion, certainly no one had any idea how massively it impacted on me and my siblings.

If a few photos bother you all so much I would suggest that there are slightly more significant issues going on.

Damn right there is! This isn't an isolated incident - even then, it would be worth having a quiet chuckle with friends about, IMO - but this is within the context of a acrimonious relationship between the OPs DP and his ex which the OP has been, like it or not, caught up in.

As I said upthread, the reality is that in these high conflict situations, the only thing to do is accept that your life, and feelings, are going to be a roller coaster. Never knowing what is going to come next. How you will feel. Having to manage your reactions instantly and appropriately. But it is unrealistic to expect anyone to serenely accept it without any emotional response at all. People who condemn your way of coping (sharing your feelings anonymously with strangers on the Internet) should consider why it bothers them so much.

It's not doing you, DP or your DSS any good having you so insecure and bitter about his ex wife; so if I were you I'd walk away and find someone with no baggage.

What is your advice to exWs who are bitter? Should they walk away, too?

I think it is always hard for the kids and the ex wives who've been dumped and then the new wives want to rewrite history or delete all history that doesn't include them.

stocking if you had read the whole thread, you'll see that it wasn't the OPs DP that dumped his exW. Does that make a difference?

Harder to do if their are DC involved, but yes if they can. Bitterness is a very destructive emotion, and does no one any good.

Harder to do if their are DC involved, but yes if they can. Bitterness is a very destructive emotion, and does no one any good.

And if the EXW chooses not to disengage and continue use to act on their bitterness?

Are the exH of those women destined for a life alone, or only with a woman who is capable of overlooking any unreasonable behaviour from the exW?

Or, is it reasonable for the new DP of a man whose bitter ex makes their life difficult to have an emotional response now and again - by, for instance, venting on an anonymous forum?

Ex wife is always wonderful
New girlfriend is always evil.
Not a stepmother or stepfather if not married
Must be other woman and reason for divorce
Jealous and bitter
Resentful

What a bunch of nasty fuckers have posted in this thread.

OP I don't think to awkwardly LOL is inappropriate. I do think redecorating with wedding photos from broken marriage is weird. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I awkwardly reply "lol what" to a lot of things that don't necessarily make me laugh. Lol has become something other than just laugh out loud - to tell the truth I rarely laugh out loud when I type lol.

The only happy picture of DDs dad and I is actually from before we were together and he was with another woman. It certainly wouldn't be put on display in this house.

Knotnora what I meant was his ex doesn't even acknowledge he is in a relationship. She stopped access for a year, yes a year, when his DD stayed one night at ours without her permission, and pretty much destroyed DP and his DD's relationship. (Very abridged version)

On the other hand, when I speak to my DS dad, who I do have an amicable relationship with (in spite of abuse towards me), I ask after his wife. I like her, I respect that she spends time and money on my DS, and am happy that my ex has met someone new, who he seems to work a million times better with than we did. I don't/ didn't try to put barriers in the way of their relationship, like saying I would have DS so they can go away for the weekend, then going back on it and refusing, as has recently happened to OP.

OP - your DP's ex sounds pathetic.
She had agreed to have the DS and then suddenly wants to drop him to ruin your wkend away...

Could you, DSS and your DP all go away somewhere? Stick two fingers up to her and go and have a nice wkend away while she goes away and bores her mates by whinging about the two of you all the time (oops, sorry, projection - that's what my DP's ex does!)

Seriously though - if you've booked and paid for the trip and DSS' mum thinks it's ok for him to go to the friends then he could surely go there or come with you?

Your DP needs to be standing up to her too.

And if I haven't already said it I don't blame you for "lolling" at her. DP and I have found that sometimes the only way we can cope with his ex's ridiculousness is to have a eye roll and giggle about it and thank our lucky stars we don't have to see her much. Maybe the fact women like this don't move on isn't so much to do with the fact they can't get over their first H but more that nobody else will have them as they can see through it all.

charley - don't worry that she doesn't ask after you. Who gives a shit?

DP's ex never asks after me or says anything about me to him except for occasionally saying that I should be helping with ferrying their kids around or looking after them in holidays or generally expecting me to do more - Never mind I have a career and a DS of my own to think about!

Howtodowills - this is what I suggested that we all go away together to show her that we can still have time away regardless of the stunts she pulls but DP's DS isn't particularly keen and just wants to stay at home.

DP absolutely will not have him shoved at someone else's house and I don't blame him so would rather cancel our plans (and so would I - I couldn't go away knowing the poor kid was miserable) but she's too selfish to care unfortunately - just seems like as long as she's messed up our plans its worth sacrificing her sons happiness for, and this isn't the only example that makes me think this.

I'm not going to leave DP because of her, she will eventually give up, I don't see how she can continue this behaviour indefinitely surely she has to run out of steam at some point. I just hope she finds someone else that can take the focus away from DP but whilst I'm lolling at stuff she does that's a lot better than getting angry and throwing tantrums, because I obviously cant control/change her behaviour so far better to lol at it I think.

Howto- thanks it's not that I worry it's things like DPs access to his daughter being blocked as punishment for him having a partner. I think in her case it's a control thing. Who loses out? A small child and their sense of self-worth.
Anyway don't want to derail the thread.

OP no it's not normal to put up wedding photos years after you've split with the ex.

Why is it not normal? Or why does abnormal mean it's wrong?

I doubt very many people have big canvases in their front room or a wedding pic with their ex in their bedroom put up when their ex husband and father of their children dies.

I had a few comments from people when they come in and see the photos, mostly on the lines of 'does your dh mind that you have photos of your dead ex husband on show?' No, thankfully dh is much more secure than that and he put it up in the first place. It might not be common but I'm certainly not wrong to have them up and neither is the ex wife in the OP.

I have the photos up for the children and because I really really miss him. Yes he was my ex and our marriage was crap but I miss him. Maybe the OP's ex wife misses those happy times she had with her ex husband, maybe she just likes looking at happy moments. Either way they are just photos, they aren't causing any harm to anyone.

U2 - they might not be causing harm to anyone but it's clearly not comfortable for her DS.

Sorry for your loss. I do think when a spouse dies it is slightly different to a divorce.

OP - I think you should go and take DS. I know he says he doesn't want to go but I am sure you will give him a great time. MY DS ALWAYS says he doesn't want to do stuff and then has a great time when we do it. That's just kids!

The ex might get bored but she might not.... Depends how empty her life is. DPs ex goes in fits and starts. She used to be really awful about me till I confronted her on it, since then she's stopped. Silly woman.

Have strength that you aren't the only one dealing with a nightmare ex and come over to stepparents if you want to chat with people who know what it's like!

We divorced before he died, but thank you :)

Perhaps her son is comfortable with it, perhaps he said she was a 'weirdo' because he thought that was what his dad wanted to hear. Who knows.

Either way it's her home and it just isn't a big deal.