To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

[movingonup2015]

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

It's not what I would do, but then I'm not her. What I do find weird is that you seem to think your DPs son is not picking up on your thoughts and discussions about his DM. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her choices tough. The most important thing is supporting a little boy who will be picking up on every snide comment and thought about this woman. How would you and DP feel if there was a post in here saying everytime my DS goes to visit ex he comes back in tears saying "I hate dads girlfriend because she's so horrible about you. I feel I have to join in so she'll like me cos I love my dad." What should I do about this woman? Because that's probably the DMs perspective.

Probably because it was her wedding... And it's not something she regrets.. And her son was conceived out of love...
I don't really understand how a child would find it 'weird' unless he's been taught something different.

She loved her family at the time and wants to be reminded of the happy times and create a nice environment at home.

You're right, it's none of your business at all.

He said it was weird because she wanted those pictures instead of pictures of his dog. I suspect that if she'd put a priceless Rembrandt up there he probably would have said the same. He's nine. Weird is like a piece of punctuation to a nine year old's vocabulary. .

From what the op said he called his mum a weirdo. But from her subsequent post he did nothing of the sort. Op it's very clear that you are projecting what you think of your DP's ex on to his child, hence immediately jumping on his "weird" interpretation and converting it into your own thoughts that "she is a weirdo." It doesn't matter how unhinged the ex might be, it's still possible as the incoming partner to be deeply insecure about the relationship that exists between her and your DP, and even her DS.

From the ex's perspective, no I don't think that putting pictures up is necessarily a healthy thing to do. Neither do I think that it's healthy to be grieving the loss of a marriage years and years down the line. No-one is diminishing the loss of a marriage, but at some point you have to move forward. Being divorced doesn't give someone the right to claim that "they are heartbroken" for ever and use this fact to excuse their behaviour.

But it is disrespectful of your DP to go into her house, where he has presumably been invited in, and to then pass comment back on what is happening there.

All parties have some responsibility here and need to all take a step back into reality.

But it is disrespectful of your DP to go into her house, where he has presumably been invited in, and to then pass comment back on what is happening there.

If it was the OPs DP who told her that his ex has put their wedding photos up again, then (depending on the context) that is disrespectful on his part - not of his exW, but of the OP, who doesn't need to know about the pics unless it is a factor in something she is involved in, such as court action, for instance.

Early on in my relationship with my DH, he came back from dropping off the DCs and told me that his ex had tried to kiss him. I was furious, at first with her, but as I processed it more rationally, I was actually more cross with him for telling me, than her for trying it on. I made it clear that I didn't want to know all the gory details and he respected that. The only time he did tell me about those sorts of things was when we were responding to court material - he referred to her past behaviour in response to allegations and accusations she had made in court. Of course, that was different.

As for is it disrespectful to his ex, well, I'm not so sure. If I invite people into my house, I accept that they may judge and comment to others on what they see. I only invite people in if I am comfortable with that.

I put a lovely framed pic of me and my ex holding our son as a baby in my son's room to show him we were happy and loved him (once upon a time! Didn't last!)
Can't stand my ex but made my son happy at the time (he has since taken it down as his dad has let him down one too many times over the years)

Not sure I'd be putting up wedding pics in the main part of the house though.
But d'you know what, what she does is her business.

Oh, and as for the DS using the word weirdo - DHs DS witnessed his exW trying to kiss DH and he described his mum as "crazy". He said to DH that "one minute she hates you, and the next minute she's trying to kiss you.".

That's not something he was taught - he can apply his own judgement to what he sees.

But d'you know what, what she does is her business.

And how the OP feels about what her DPs exW does is the OPs business, that she has chosen to share here on an anonymous forum.

It is a very odd feeling, discovering that someone who was a part of your DHs past has rekindled positive memories of their time together. Even more weird when that person has actively behaved negatively towards him, and you, since they split.

The thing is, sometimes you invite people based on your feelings/trust towards them, and it's only when they behave disrespectfully that you re-evaluate this fact.

Example: early into my relationship with my now DP my XH came round with DS. At this point we were pretty amicable, so when DS said he wanted his dad to come in and see his room I didn't object.

When he came back downstairs he said he'd dnot iced that we'd obviously spent the night together as the spare room door was open and he'd looked in to see that it was full of junk. He had no reason to look,or to comment. The room is on the other side of the house from DS' so he would have to have made the effort to look iyswim. I felt completely violated and as if I was being spied on in some way. It was horrible.

Afaik he's not been upstairs in my house since.

I do agree though that relaying stuff back to the DP is disrespectful. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of women on here whose partners tell them all the supposedly nasty things their ex's are saying about them. Just why would anyone need to tell their partner how horrible someone is being about them? Often I wonder how much of it is true and how much of it is partners gaslighting. Their partners....

And I totally agree that a child could make their own judgements, but that wasn't how it came across in the OP's situation.

True wannabe - I had a fabulous friend who counselled against "staying friends with an ex", which she summed up in one sentence:

"Every so often, they will do something that reminds you why they are an ex-something".

Humorous, but a serious point - an ex is someone that you misjudged at least once before.

I don't think I've ever been so shocked by responses on mumsnet. Some completely unreasonable posts here. OP please remember this is the Internet and peoples own personal experiences/views will always show through in their posts.

I personally think YANBU.i think there is a massive backstory of past behavior to this. Keeping in mind my former point and speaking from experience I dated a woman with mental health issues who divorced her husband and while we were together hounded his current partner on Twitter with wedding photos of them. She was the one who divorced him. Very embarrassing and downright controlling. I feel as if your dps exdw is overstepping some boundaries here I'd be unhappy as well. I personally can't see why anyone would want any reminders of a past relationship up and in their home unless requested by a child. Different strokes for different folks though.

I don't think I've ever been so shocked by responses on mumsnet. Really? I've seen a lot worse.

I don't understand why you think he would be saying these things to please us when we have never shown any sense of being pleased at what he says about her

Crikey, that shows a deep lack of perception about a 9 year old's thought processes & his feelings.

There's only one thing to factor in here - it's her house.

If she wants to put up pics of her wedding day, it's her choice.

If she's isn't over them splitting, it's her thing to deal with in her way.
If she wants to remember happy times (I'm presuming the exes were happy at some stage - they married and had a child), then why not.

I'm amazed at how many people go through life judging other people. Why? What is the point?

I split from my husband nearly 7 years ago. We talked as much of it out as we could foresee before we split. We agreed that we would try to be as amicable as possible and retain a sense of family for our DD.

Why is that weird?

We are now better friends than we were for the last 2-3 years of our marriage. We still have lots of family time together. We try to go on at least one family holiday together per year - even if just a long weekend - with our DD. We both have lots of family pics up in our homes.

Why is that odd?

This has not been easy. It takes lots of effort and 'working at it' like any other relationship. We were the world to each other once. We believed it was forever. We still believe on some level that we are soul mates, as are some of our other friends/family. We had a child together whom we both adore. We make an effort every day to make the dynamic work and be positive. Yes, he pisses me off. Yes he exasperates me. Yes he broke my heard but guess what - we're all human and none of us are perfect.

Movingonup - you seem to have convinced yourself that you are not insecure, negative etc etc and this may be the case. The way you post comments and what you say, however, does not reflect this. And children pick up on everything - it's in their DNA. Their genetic code is there for one thing - survival. and as kids, we do this by appeasing and being adorable to the adults around us. It's biology. Be aware.

And she may be a 'mad' so and so but you don't live in her shoes or walk her path. You knowingly took on a man who was previously married and has a child. Reality check = this always come with baggage - just a fact of life.

'heart', not heard, obvs

Indeed.

What I think could be odd is exH getting in and looking at the photos around.

If I knew exH was judging on what I put on display or not, it would be the last time he entered my home.

What a wonderful post, mammamic

I wouldn't be surprised if this man is saying things just to play you both up against each other. some men like to control. you should just ignore it. it's not your home.

The alternative to putting up wedding pictures several years after a divorce is not hating each other and burning all photos.

There IS a middle way that most couples manage.

We are now better friends than we were for the last 2-3 years of our marriage. We still have lots of family time together. We try to go on at least one family holiday together per year - even if just a long weekend - with our DD. We both have lots of family pics up in our homes.

Why is that odd?

It is 'odd' to me because when my marriage ended it was because of 'irreconcilable differences'. My exH displays behaviour and values that are so at odds with my own that I cannot conceive of choosing to spend time in his company.
Our family values are different. And he has openly admitted that I became "the type of woman he despised".
We co-parent but we could not, and never will be, friends who work at their relationship and actively seek time together, particularly at the expense of time with people we love.

To the OP - no question about it it's weird what your partner's ex did. Fine to keep wedding pics on, weird to suddenly redecorate with them.
To all the people who understood what the OP was saying, that it was meant in a light way as the threads in forums are - Well done.
To all the judgmental fools criticising the OP for her thread, tone or consistency - get a life and stop the cyber-bullying. Step back and ask yourself if you would not have made the same comment as the OP if presented by the same situation. Be honest and recognise that you would have. Threads here are meant to be light hearted gossipy 'fun' so stop hounding her down just to get your 'moral high' fix. Seriously!

OP I get you. Very weird behaviour and better to lol than get angry about. Can't understand anyone who thinks this is in any way normal!

Another thread with really crazy posts on. I am wondering if these are name changers working in a pack.

OP no it's not normal to put up wedding photos years after you've split with the ex. I am the sort who'd probably be too lazy to take existing ones down and in an album for the DC to look at is fine- as you've said. But new public ones just of the two of you - not normal, no.

OP YANBU. I don't know some posters keep insisting your DSS is picking up on your every thought, but ignoring your comments that he isn't allowed to mention your name in his house.
I have NEVER been acknowledged by my DPs ex, in ten years. No I wasn't the OW. Not once has he been asked, how's Charley? Or even how is your relationship?
Some people are very odd about exes new partners, for whatever reason.
Yes I find it odd that she decided to put pics of the wedding up, years later and in the hallway.

Charley, why on earth would she ask how's your relationship? What business is it of hers? I shouldn't think she cares a jot how your relationship is. Would be a bit weird if she did

nora. I consider it my business how my DD gets on with her stepmum - am I wrong?