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AIBU?

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Original poster

To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

291 replies

movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 09:48

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

OP posts:
bluebell8782 · 19/04/2016 13:49

Agree - some posts are ridiculous. Totally understand where you are coming from OP.
My husband's ex is as mad as a box of frogs. We talk about her sometimes and laugh otherwise we would just cry at some of the things she does/says. It isn't nasty and disrespectful.

You have to laugh at the crazy otherwise it can consume you if you are not careful.

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 13:50

I haven't read all this so I apologise if you have addressed this but stop calling him DS he is not your DS!!

Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 13:51

Thankyou bluebell that's exactly my point!

OP posts:
Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 13:52

yes I know I'm sorry I keep calling him DS I really don't mean to I know he's not my DS it is honestly just a mistype...

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 13:53

DHs ex has recently put on display (and shared on Soc media) photos from their "romantic cruise" holiday that they shared the year they split up (7 years ago). I'm fairly sure she's not reminiscing about her happy times with DH; she was having an affair with a colleague at the time of the holiday!

DHs DS thought it was a bit weird, too - because his mum has been so full of vitriol about DH for years, and has tried to cut him out of their life completely.

It does highlight that different people have different memories with different significance to them - maybe your DPs ex is using the pics to remind her of her emotions on the day - perhaps she was happy with how she looked and is using the pics as a confidence boost?

lateforeverything · 19/04/2016 13:56

If I went to a friend's house, who I knew wasn't married, and saw a whole load of wedding pictures up then I would find that odd. A pic of them/dad in the boy's room ok fair enough but in a communal areas it is a bit strange.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/04/2016 13:57

How old is this lad?

It sounds to me as if he's got the hump about not getting his choice of colour and his dog photo and chucked in the 'yeah my mum's dead weird' in the telling of the tale to embellish it. Kids repeat all sorts of things they don't mean and don't understand the finer point of to try and sound grown up or as if they don't care. (i've worked in a primary school for years and heard it all)

As for the photos: not everyone's cup of tea but it really is only her business.

LunaMay · 19/04/2016 14:03

EponasWildDaughter but if it WAS having an affect on the son surely it would be the fathers business?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 19/04/2016 14:04

I'm not going to comment about the thread but I just want to be very clear I am not the op.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2016 14:15

'OP - you must have worked out what's expected of you as a stepmum by now?? Remember to treat him as your own but whatever you do don't treat him as your own wink'

How is she a 'stepmum'? They're not married. She's his dad's girlfriend, who seems very invested in her boyfriend's ex wife as she has posted about her before, all about what a bad person she is.

pinkcan · 19/04/2016 14:16

Well the thing is, if you get married to someone and promise to be with them until death do us part, have a child etc, the pain of them going back on all that and buggering off (ie destroying your life) is appalling. Everything you built up together, all your history, all your plans, flushed down the shitter. I don't blame her if she wants him to come back. I know you weren't the OW but that doesn't mean there wasn't one.

People cannot be so easily be flushed down the shitter as all your plans though. So you will have to find a way for you and your partner to work with this woman for dss's sake. Ridiculing her pain is probably not the best strategy. It fucking hurts when marriages break up.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/04/2016 14:20

That day is part of her journey and her history, just because a couple break up it does not change the shared history.

Sometimes it's nice to have things around from when things were different it means nothing sinister (usually).

Your DP is rude for even mentioning it

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 14:21

In my opinion she's a stepmum if she lives with / is in a serious committed relationship with someone with child / children and is expected to care for / share a home with / factor the needs of those children into her life.

Surely people don't think that you have to be actually married to refer to yourself as a stepmum? I think that view is a little outdated.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 14:23

Pictures of her with her Dparents / friends / looking amaZing on her wedding day might be a little more understandable but lovey Dovey with her ex.... I just don't see how anyone can think that is anything but odd!!!

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 14:28

How is she a 'stepmum'? They're not married. She's his dad's girlfriend, who seems very invested in her boyfriend's ex wife as she has posted about her before, all about what a bad person she is.

This

expatinscotland · 19/04/2016 14:37

'Surely people don't think that you have to be actually married to refer to yourself as a stepmum? I think that view is a little outdated.'

You're entitled to that opinion. Legally, she's the kid's dad's girlfriend, not a stepmum.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 14:45

My stepkids (shock horror i'm not married to their dad but we've been together 2.5yrs and they live with us 30% of their lives) asked if they could call me their stepmum. I said yes of course - so hang me out!

views like this are one of the many reasons why it's so bloody hard to step-parent effectively. Maybe we need another "title" for Dad's girlfriend who isn't married to Dad and doesn't want to get married but will be with him for the rest of the children's lives!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 14:50

wills I hate half the comments aimed to step parents on mumsnet but surely in your situation that should have been for your partner to decide? Possibly with his ex's input?

Eustace2016 · 19/04/2016 14:51

You can't have a step child if your lover won't marry you! It is your boyfriend's son. The only woman he ever married is his first and only wife and she can put up any pictures she likes.

WannaBe · 19/04/2016 14:52

It sounds as if the comments from the DS calling his mum a weirdo have been taken completely out of context and made into something much bigger than it really was. He wanted pictures of his dog on the walls. Chances are they're probably not great pictures, having just been taken with the family camera or whatever. His mum said no, she wanted these ones, and put up the wedding pictures. Now while I certainly wouldn't be putting up my wedding pictures in my house (actually I don't even have my wedding pictures any more as eXH kept them) it seems the mum veto'd the pictures of the dog and the child, in typical nine yo fashion said "mum's just weird," most likely because he wanted the pictures of his dog. But because the OP and her DP agree that the ex is "weird" they've taken this comment (everything to nine year old boys is weird btw,) and turned it into "even DS thinks his mum is a weirdo." And that just adds to the attitude from the op towards the eXW.

WannaBe · 19/04/2016 15:00

Tbh, I think step parent or not is often just about semantics really. If you play a significant role in the child's life, you live together with the child's parent, and you potentially even have children together then it stands to reason that you would essentially take on a step parenting role. That being said, marriage in itself doesn't make a step parent if e.g. The children never spend time in that home and the incoming partner doesn't play any kind of role in those children's lives. And the term step parent has no legal definition in the UK.

As for the comment from Eustace2016 iirc she was on another thread stating that people shouldn't move on after separation but should just have a wank instead, so I'm not sure how much one could take her comments seriously. Grin.

bettyberry · 19/04/2016 15:01

If the DS thinks its weird then it is a problem.

I'm with you OP. Its bonkers and it is obviously making the boy feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what can be done short of letting the boy vent to you both without judgement or commenting.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/04/2016 15:05

EponasWildDaughter but if it WAS having an affect on the son surely it would be the fathers business?

Absolutely.

But my thoughts are similar to wannabe's : It sounds as if the comments from the DS calling his mum a weirdo have been taken completely out of context and made into something much bigger than it really was

RidersOnTheStorm · 19/04/2016 15:21

You can't have a step child if your lover won't marry you! It is your boyfriend's son. The only woman he ever married is his first and only wife and she can put up any pictures she likes.

Oh dear. Projecting? You sound very bitter.

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 15:27

My 11 and 8 year old cousins call their mum a weirdo for absolutely everything she does I would take the whole weirdo comment with a pinch of salt

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