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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

291 replies

movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 09:48

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 19/04/2016 12:00

Your relationship should be going so well that you don't notice what ex-W is doing with her house. It should be beyond irrelevant to you.

Noticing stuff like that, and being arsed enough to post about it on a forum, suggests that your relationship is not bringing you the joy it should.

Unless you are the sort of person who likes relationships to be full of drama and problems and more drama - so you make up drama where there isn't any.

If the situation is the former, perhaps it's time to start thinking about moving on and finding a relationship that fills your life with so much joy you're not intereseted in other people's decorating choices. If it's the latter, well, that is very exhausting.

Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 12:02

yep I have known them as a couple for many years, they lived in my neighbourhood, then moved away, then moved back and I didn't know they were divorced until I bumped into him a while after having moved back to the area.

I'm not insecure, I know DP has no intention of getting back with her I'm just annoyed that she constantly comes up with new ways to "get his attention", she isn't happy about the two of us being together, made up a whole of lies about me and tried to convince DP they were true (which massively backfired) constantly tries to get DP to cancel his plans he has made with me, goes awol on the night he's supposed to drop his son home and then tells him to just let himself into the house when she isn't home, just a whole list of things that happen on a daily basis which is why I was so LOL at the wedding photos it just makes me think is this a last ditch attempt to show DP "come home - look I've even put our wedding photos up" sort of thing.

OP posts:
albertcampionscat · 19/04/2016 12:03

Are we talking giant picture over fireplace, or one of dozens of smaller pictures scattered all over the house? Because the former is weird, the second not.

zeezeek · 19/04/2016 12:05

Actually you have my sympathy because I have had years and years of my DH's ex causing trouble. She too could never accept that he didn't want to be with her anymore (nearly 30 years ago now) and she has also done something similar.

It's all very well to demand respect for the exW, but what about showing respect to the new partner? Or do we not count in the world of MN?

Some exW's are batshit crazy. Some people are batshit crazy. That's life. And, btw I frequently called and referred to my mother as a wierdo because she was.

Marilynsbigsister · 19/04/2016 12:07

Actually there is very little right and wrong here.
Everyone can have an opinion about anything. Yes, my opinion is that it's a little strange.
No it's not your business. What she does in her own home is up to her.
Yes it does sound like she hasn't gotten over the divorce. That doesn't make her weird or sad. It makes her human. Heartbreak is close to grief in its impact and there is no prescribed time to 'get over it'.
Some people never get over it. Some people move on in a couple of weeks. Everyone is different.

It's an emotion I would not wish upon my worst enemy. If anyone should feel anything towards this lady, is should be understanding.

MeredithFrampton · 19/04/2016 12:10

yep I have known them as a couple for many years, they lived in my neighbourhood

No they weren't married when I met him - they were divorced.

Er, only one of these things can be true.

And you're not insecure but you're posting threads about this on Mumsnet in the hope that others will join you in LOLLing about her?

If it really is a lost cause and she really is so desperate that she's doing a 'last ditch attempt to get him to come home', that's really sad and you should have some compassion rather than jeering at her, don't you think?

FatPaul · 19/04/2016 12:17

Get a life OP Hmm

Delacroix · 19/04/2016 12:20

Nah, it's weird. The son's old enough to think a bunch of loving wedding pics of his mum and dad all over the show are 'weird', so he's not some little toddler whom his mum thinks it might be nice to show pics of togetherness to. And it's a recent thing - if she'd always had them up and left them up, OK, but to be divorced for years and then suddenly think "I should put up wedding pics everywhere"... it's weird. After all these years she might not be over it - god knows I never would be - but she doesn't have to do odd things like putting up pictures. It's a step away from singing "I can't live if living is without you" outside his window at 2am with a bottle of wine in hand.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 19/04/2016 12:21

She goes awol on the night he's supposed to drop his son home and then tells him to just let himself into the house when she isn't home?

That doesn't sound to me as if she wants him to 'come home', does it?! The fact she doesn't actually turn up to see him when he comes back with his son?

(It also sounds flakey, but that's another story.)

Look, they have a kid together. Putting up wedding photos makes me feel a bit sad for her, but so what?

You're describing a really odd mix of things that seem like totally normal shared parenting, and completely bonkers teenage drama. And the fact you can't seem to tell the difference between the two does make me wonder if the drama really comes from you, not her?

I do get why you might be doing that. If your relationship has always been overshadowed by her - either because you're insecure about her or because she's hoping he'll come back, or both - then you probably do wish you could just have a massive, stratospheric row that would demonstrate once and for all that she is the 'baddie'. But it's a waste of energy trying to manufacture that situation, IMO.

AliceScarlett · 19/04/2016 12:22

You do sound a bit jealous tbh.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 12:40

OP - I think what she's doing is weird. It's one thing to just leave photos up, or to show kids albums etc but really odd to redecorate and put "couple" pictures up, especially in a public room (ie not the DCs bedroom.)

It all sounds a bit odd. I would roll my eyes at it and get back to your own relationship. Don't even think about her "motives". I agree it's not helpful for the kids either. My DPs ex wanted them to do things "as a family" when they'd broken up and couldn't understand why he wasn't up for it Confused

And of course it's not weird for your DP to tell you about it. You're a team - she's not in that team.

As for your DSS calling him mum a total weirdo... It's not very respectful granted but maybe that's just his opinion on what she's doing...

Come to the steparenting board if you need any support.

TheRealCornholio · 19/04/2016 12:41

How did the conversation about the pictures come up with dSs anyway?

"DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years"

Hope your partner didn't say that in front of the son.

LadyAntonella · 19/04/2016 12:47

howtodowills

My DPs ex wanted them to do things "as a family" when they'd broken up and couldn't understand why he wasn't up for it

Well, a few families I know do this very successfully actually. New partners join in too and it's lovely.

Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 12:52

The conversation came up because DP asked his DS what he had been doing that day - he said helping mum redecorate the hall and then started moaning that she wouldn't let him choose the colours (fair enough he may have wanted something she didn't like) and then moaned that he wanted to put up a picture of their dog that died but she wouldn't let him and said the wedding photos were going in the hall and that he could keep the dog photo in his room.

then he started going on about how his mum is weird and doesn't know why she wants to put those photos up and how his dog is more important so he should have been allowed to put it up..

And no DP didn't pull her up on the photos infront of DS.

OP posts:
howtodowills · 19/04/2016 12:53

lady
Agree in situations where partners have accepted the end of the relationship and are doing it for the right reasons it can be great.

There are also situations where one ex wants to stop the other from moving on and also where it gives the kids false hope of reconciliation. These aren't so healthy!

Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 12:54

sorry I meant to say DP's DS not just DS....

OP posts:
howtodowills · 19/04/2016 12:55

Sounds like DSS has a point!
If he's not bothered about the pics why on earth does she want them up?
Shrug it off OP.
How old is DSS?

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 12:57

And who cares if you call him DS on an Internet forum?

OP - you must have worked out what's expected of you as a stepmum by now?? Remember to treat him as your own but whatever you do don't treat him as your own Wink

SaucyJack · 19/04/2016 12:58

I've read your other threads now, and she does sound like she has boundaries ishoos to say the least.

But this thread wasn't cool, and neither is the three of you gossiping about weird she is.

Dig deep, and try and make your peace with who she is. I have friends who haven't come to terms with being in a split family and it's not a pleasant place to be in.

Ilovenannyplum · 19/04/2016 13:00

I think it's weird ConfusedHmm

LadyAntonella · 19/04/2016 13:00

True howtodowills.

LunaMay · 19/04/2016 13:24

It is weird, redecorating would normally be a chance to 'start fresh' or 'move forward' yes? I can understand putting a few photos into the childs room. Sorry op i feel if you had posted this about a friend or relative the replies would be a lot different...

WonderingAspie · 19/04/2016 13:35

It is weird and you are getting a bashing for no reason other than you are a step parent and this is aibu. Ridiculous responses!

trevortrevorslatterfry · 19/04/2016 13:45

It is weird and YANBU

Original poster
movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 13:47

Sorry I keep ignoring the how old is DSS question - not purposely I might add! He is 9

I can understand if DSS wanted the photos in his room, I can even understand if DSS asked to put up the photos in the hallway. I could even understand if DSS wanted to decorate his dad's house with photos of his mum! but he doesn't..
However, I cannot understand being told no to a favourite photo in order to put up wedding photos that were never up before.

I feel I need to stress once again neither DP or myself condone any bad mouthing against DSS mum, he has been told time and time again not to say bad things about his mother but he makes up his own mind about her - that's not our fault we have never ever slated her or even rolled our eyes at anything he has said about her infront of him - we have always tried to justify the things she does for the sake of DSS even though we don't agree with most of the things she does as some of it is downright bonkers.

I think I'll just shrug it off again and hope she does eventually move on one day.

OP posts:
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