Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To LOL at DP's EXW putting up wedding photos....

291 replies

movingonup2015 · 19/04/2016 09:48

I know (well I think anyway) I'm not being unreasonable to think this is slightly weird

DP has been divorced for several years, went to collect DS last week to find the EXW had redecorated and put up framed photos of her and DP's wedding.. not of the guests just of the two of them in loving embraces!

DP asked her why on earth she felt it appropriate to put up their wedding photos when they hadn't been together for years and years and she just replied with she thought it was perfectly normal and that its for DS to look at...

It's not just me - that's really weird right?

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 19/04/2016 15:28

Well I've read a few of the indignant replies to this thread and I'm just going to say yes I'd find it very weird and a symptom of her not being able to 'let go'. The fact she doesn't realise it's a strange thing to do is telling.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 15:44

paul I might have misunderstood you but do you mean my DP and his ex should have decided whether the children could call me their "stepmum"? (They call me by my first name to me but when they talk about me they wanted to say "my stepmum")

Surely it's about what the kids feel comfortable with - as long as it isn't harming anyone else?
I didn't think it was particularly unusual and therefore didn't think I should have run it past anyone...

They know I'm not "technically" their stepmum (which btw isn't cause my "lover won't marry me" but because we have decided we don't want to get married now - maybe in the future but not now) but I think in a lot of cases children feel more secure when people have 'labels'. I think in our case it has helped our family feel more like 1 family rather than 2.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 15:50

Yeah that's what I meant. Just seemed like overstepping boundaries, telling them they can refer to you as stepmum. It's obviously worked for you guys though! It just might not for others.

OllyBJolly · 19/04/2016 15:57

Bluebell do you really think

It isn't nasty and disrespectful. to say:

My husband's ex is as mad as a box of frogs

Yes, it is, It's very nasty and disrespectful to say that about anyone. It's particularly nasty and disrespectful to say it about someone you/your current partner chose as a partner at one time.

GraysAnalogy · 19/04/2016 15:59

People can't say anything anymore can they.

alltouchedout · 19/04/2016 16:04

It sounds weird to me. But I'd just say "that's not a very nice thing to call anyone, dss, let alone your mum" and then not discuss it any more.

PotterBot · 19/04/2016 16:07

I'm with neither of the fathers of my kids (yep a roaring success). I hate my ex husband he is a nasty wanker but I have an album that has his pic in it, a couple of wedding pics and baby pics so ds has that.

Dd has pics of her dad in her room.

Ds's has pic of his dad, mum and him in his room.

We all have pasts I can't change any of it so am a bit 'meh' about it all.

WannaBe · 19/04/2016 16:09

Thing is though step mum isn't a name it's a term. So there's a vast difference between a child referring to their parent's long term partner as a stepmum and calling them mummy for instance.

I think it would actually be more odd to expect a child to refer to their parent's partner as their boyfriend or girlfriend because one term lends more credence to the relationship iyswim.

And no, I wouldn't expect an ex to be consulted on whether it was ok for the live-in partner or wife/husband of their ex to be referred to in conversation as their step parent.

Now if there were a string of new partners who were being introduced as "this is your new stepmum/stepdad," it would be a bit Hmm but if it's a long-term relationship where partners are living together I don't see the issue.

. The relationship between my DS and my eXH's DP is theirs to navigate. If I started objecting correcting terminology for instance it would say more about me than them. Iyswim.

WannaBe · 19/04/2016 16:12

Also, Ds wouldn't refer to his dad's DP as his stepmum in front of me, he refers to her by name. But he does refer to her as his stepmum in front of his friends because it's a term. Similarly he refers to my DP as his stepdad even though we don't live together, but we are engaged. Correcting that would just seem incredibly petty on the part of the adults.

Chlobee87 · 19/04/2016 16:22

OP, this thread has got seriously out of hand. So many people have clearly decided to cast you in the role of evil step mum (but sorry, you don't count as a step mum because even though you are a huge part of this child's life, you're not married. In 2016) and have also allocated you the part of OW and are now projecting all of their own issues and judgments onto you. Ignore.

As for "it's none of your business", well I guess that's true. But there are millions of things that are none of our business and we are still entitled to an opinion on them. Otherwise mumsnet would probably not exist, let's face it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to find this odd. It IS odd. And I'm glad your DP questioned her about it since it clearly made him feel uncomfortable. I would be uncomfortable with my photo on my XH's wall. That said, obviously it's her home and she can do what she likes. Unlike lots of the other PP though I must've missed the part where you said you were going to go round there, rip the photos off the wall and burn them in her back yard, so I won't give you a hard time!

cannotlogin · 19/04/2016 16:28

It's all very well to demand respect for the exW, but what about showing respect to the new partner?

I assume you mean it's disrespectful to the new partner to have to put up with the fact that he was once married to someone else? People should just wipe out their own past experiences, the lives they've lived, the people they've known, because that person happens to now be doing something else?

Really respectful lol-ing at how someone chooses to decorate their own personal space, a space that neither you nor your partner have any right to be in, let alone commenting on it. How about I come round your house and lol at your wallpaper? I do hope your DSS wasn't in earshot of your piss taking. And seriously two fingers up at your partner - what on earth gives him the right to comment on anything at all to do with his ex's house? It's beyond rude.

I think it's odd behaviour. She probably has her reasons. She may be entirely deranged. But she has every right to do whatever it is she wants in her own home and shouldn't feel she has to justify herself to anyone.

Phoeberdoos · 19/04/2016 16:48

My mum still hasn't properly moved on fifteen years after her split with my dad. It's sad, but at times it was uncomfortable too. For years she openly talked to us about how our dad was definitely coming home again. Her need for him to come home was all consuming for a long time. When he remarried she tried to convince me not to go to the wedding. My experience is probably quite extreme but living with a parent who is overly dwelling on the past can be challenging.

I wouldn't judge a new partner for wanting to discuss/vent about an exes behaviour.

If she isn't over the split that's sad, very sad but the OP is allowed to have feelings about it too.

It is odd that she put the picture up in a newly decorated room. Her son didn't want it up, she did. I wouldn't like knowing that an ex of my DW did the same, doesn't mean I'm insecure or in an unhappy relationship.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 17:06

I'm not sure who posted about the OPs "legal status" but there is no such thing as a legal stepmum - being married to a man with kids gives you no additional legal rights or responsibilities (unless you split up - then family courts do distinguish between married and unmarried stepparents) so the idea that the OP is somehow going to gain status if she marries her DP is ludicrous.

As for the poster who painted a woeful picture of the exW mourning for the life she committed to when she married the OPs DP - whose to say she didn't end the marriage? My DHs ex had an affair and yet was furious when he chose to file for divorce and has not only played the wronged wife, but also behaved similarly to the Ex in the OP - with pictures from their farce of a romantic holiday up on the walls - even though she was the one who slept with her colleague in the marital bed while DH was at work.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 17:12

Yes I do think it's a bit odd.

But what can you do about it. Just ignore and don't feed in to it

lateforeverything · 19/04/2016 17:12

You read my mind PrettyBrightFireflies. My dh's exw also cheated... with his boss in their marital bed but would wail to anyone who would listen about how she she was mourning the end of her marriage Confused

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 17:20

Grin late. To be fair to DHs ex, she didn't want the marriage to end after confessing to the affair - she wanted DH agree to an open marriage on her side so she could continue to shag whichever colleague was flavour of the month. He (very unreasonably, according to her) refused, filed for divorce, and we got together a year later. Since then, she's been the wronged party.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 17:30

Mumsnet is brill - someone calls their DP's ex "mad as a box of frogs" and gets chastised for being disrespectful (when we have NO idea what she has done!) but it's fine to call second wives "OW" or call "OW" every name under the sun!

Some ex wives are great
Some ex wives are mad as crates of frogs
Fact.

lateforeverything · 19/04/2016 17:35

I met dh after he divorced but his exw tells people who don't know me that I stole her husband. The boss wasn't her only affair. There was another bloke too and she then went on to marry that om's best mate. Hmm

PrettyBrightFireflies · 19/04/2016 17:38

howtodo. Never mind the fact it's fine to call exHs all the names under the sun, and to slag off MILs, SILs, next door neighbours and school hate mums. It's only stepmums that get a universally bad press.
There's been some fascinating social research that explains the psychology behind it Wink

lateforeverything · 19/04/2016 17:46

Some ex wives are mad as crates of frogs. GrinGrinGrin

zeezeek · 19/04/2016 18:24

Sometimes relationships end, it's not nice, but it happens and people move on and fall for in love with someone else. It is ridiculous to expect the new partner (even if they've been together for years) to then always take second place to the first wife (or casual girlfriend in the case of my DH's ex).

If/when the woman being discussed here meets someone else, is he expected to take a back seat and be less important than the exH? Or is it just the second wives/partners that are constantly, forever in the wrong.

Some ex's are bitter, it seems.

howtodowills · 19/04/2016 19:02

pretty I've read some of the headlines of the research you refer to in the book "stepmonster" which was recommended on mumsnet. It is scary and fascinating at the same time!

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 19:48

I know the thread has moved on somewhat, but just wanted to respond to this by OP:

ok maybe I've come across completely the wrong way in this... I'm in no way sneering or gloating

Yes you have, and yes you are.
Almost everything you posted is dripping with it.

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 20:00

Just looked at your other threads about your partner & his ex, as they were mentioned by PP.

Fwiw, you sound obsessed & over invested in this woman and actually it may be worth considering that it may actually be you that is the problem.

MeredithFrampton · 19/04/2016 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.