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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce absolutely does affect children

309 replies

springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 19:24

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 20:37

It's neither of those things Vaara

I obviously regret it if this thread has in some way offended you or caused you to feel I am deliberately trying to goad other Mumsnetters, but I can assure you I am not and I am afraid I'm not going to avoid discussing something because it might cause someone to believe I am.

OP posts:
Vaara · 17/04/2016 20:38

Actually, I do think that until you get divorced your opinion is worth shit.

Same as your opinion on childhood obesity, if neither you or your family are obese.

You have no experience, and are talking rubbish.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 20:38

I've known several like that too Baby and it is mostly the man, I've known one woman do it but the rest are all men.

OP posts:
donajimena · 17/04/2016 20:38

I don't know anyone who got divorced 'out of the blue'
It is a pointless thread though. My birth father shagged around. My mum divorced him and met my stepfather of 42 years who has been a joy to have in my life.
Birth father is on wife number four and doesn't speak to my half sister over a perceived slight on her part. He's a twat basically. How miserable my life would have been had she been made to go to counselling and stay with that dickhead.
So yes divorce did affect me. For the better.
Of course not everyones situation turns out like mine but that's why your thread is pointless. Too many variables.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 20:39

By all means you can start any thread you like, within the talk guidelines.

Some threads will show up your ignorance and prejudice. But if you're happy with that....

Lweji · 17/04/2016 20:39

being more objective about the situation.

What would you say it is being more objective?

You can't speak of why people separate if you don't know their private lives. Very rarely people speak openly about the true reasons for divorce.

Muskateersmummy · 17/04/2016 20:39

My parents are divorced. I'm glad they are happier apart. But it definitely effected me.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 20:40

there is so much literature assuring parents that their children will, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, be happy as long as they have happy parents and divorce will naturally lead to happiness,

Where is this literature? Do you have a link?

MargaretCabbage · 17/04/2016 20:40

I can honestly say my parents divorce has had no negative effects on me. I was seven, and we left home with my mother. My dad worked away and wasn't really that involved with us when he was around, so we probably saw more of him and had more fun together when we stayed with him for the weekend. My mum met my stepdad who is wonderful. My dad eventually disappeared when I was 10, I've never seen him since, but I don't even feel like that has had much impact. I had such a wonderful, happy childhood with my mum and stepdad and I am so grateful my mum was brave enough to leave.

MorrisZapp · 17/04/2016 20:44

I think the mn wisdom is that if you have a companionable relationship but no love, you're better off divorcing so your children can model loving relationships.

But if either party does this by meeting someone else, this results in a 'broken family' and your children may never recover.

Liara · 17/04/2016 20:45

Yeahsure,

I definitely think they were entitled to try to find love. I can't say I bonded with all of their partners, but I never begrudged them the attempts.

There was only one unfortunate one, and that was because my mother had a bit of a second teenage phase and resented being encumbered with kids for it. Now that can be damaging.

But if they carry on behaving as good parents, then it is all for the good.

On the positive side, I have a fantastic selection of half, step and whatever it is that you call the children of the next wife of your ex step father! Family gatherings with all the extended family are a blast - our dc love them!

In fact I confess to having had moments of slight guilt in my life that my dc will never have step or half siblings (unless I kick the bucket and dh marries a much younger model). Although it is hard to explain this to people who don't come from massive blended families!

YoJesse · 17/04/2016 20:46

Of course it affects children. But in my experience in a FUCKING POSITIVE way. I hated my parents together. Apart they were so much better. Having two people parenting through their own shit can fuck up a child/teenager and the 'for the kids bullshit' is just that.

Apart they (actually no, just my Mum) was far stricter with me and actual paid attention to what was happening in the children's lives. Staying for the kids is just an excuse not to do anything.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 20:48

Why is a debate on divorce and the affect children suddenly so taboo and 'goady'? People are going to be divided and have strong views, yes, myself included due to my parents divorce. I'm not saying people shouldn't divorce, but I see a LOT of minimising the children's feelings on here and RL, sometimes I find it very upsetting.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 20:49

Agreed Morris

MN guide to divorce: if you don't like the way your partner parents, divorce him. But don't meet anyone else and if you do then it has to be a slow burn relationship, only meeting each other's children when you're practically remarried, however to get to this point he can't ever stay at yours or you at his, except when the kids aren't there, which will be never as you've cut contact with their dad because you heard from a neighbour's cousin that he once backed the car into the drive without wearing a seatbelt....

2snugglets · 17/04/2016 20:49

For me, it would be because I'm the most influential person in my young daughters lives. I wouldn't want them to grow up and think it was ok to be treated like a mans skivvy, spoken down to, or putting up with some one who acted like they didn't care about you. If I was in a marriage like that where I was disrespected by my husband then I wouldn't want my DDs thinking that was acceptable so yes I would leave because I want to be a good role model for them.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 20:50

A proper discussion isn't taboo or goady, but a thread deliberately intended to wind up is.

WizardOfToss · 17/04/2016 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 20:50

Liara you sound like a really lovely person if I may be so bold! Very accepting and open. I also have step and half siblings and a kind of secret sibling (long story). I have mixed views on it but we are all friendly, kind and supportive to each other so I hope we haven't done too badly. My view of my parents is not as generous as yours is to yours though!

coffeeisnectar · 17/04/2016 20:51

Not read all the replies but fwiw me splitting with my ex was the best thing for my children as he was abusive and controlling. My dc have been fine, but maybe that's because I've never dragged them into it.

Dp's ex left him with their dd. She has been hugely affected by it and blames dp (although it wasn't his choice for them to split) and then blamed me for preventing them from getting back together (both dp and his ex have both firmly moved on with new partners). However his dd knows far, far too much about the divorce, questions dp on finances and makes comments on how much money he may have and why isn't he spending it on her. This has come from her mum and that's been the biggest issue. She's been treated as a mini adult by her mum instead of the child she actually is.

cowbag1 · 17/04/2016 20:53

My parent's divorce affected me quite negatively. The traipsing between 2 homes, negotiating about where christmas and birthdays should be spent, feeling too ashamed to be honest with people about the situation etc was not how I would have preferred to spend my childhood. The worst part was that the single unit to which all your closest family members belong is torn apart and everyone starts to pull in their own direction, which is incredibly lonely when you're young. Divorce makes parents behave selfishly (and I say that as someone who saw their NRP every weekend until I was a teenager) and you start to feel like a burden when new partners come along.

I still have issues now that stem from my childhood, which was completely shaped by my parents' divorce, even though it was fairly amicable (no arguing and they never bad mouthed each other).

My parents now admit they could have tried harder to make their marriage work. Just a shame people can't behave properly when they have kids and avoid the behaviour that would lead to a divorce in the first place.

HateTablets · 17/04/2016 20:55

In my experience, sometimes it is worth making much more effort to save your marriage than most peole on MN would put in.

My marriage was in a very bad shape 10 years ago. MN verdict was LTB. I didn't.
Then a few other things happened and MN verdict would have been for my DH to leave too (as clearly we were completely incompatible).

The reality has been very different though. Both of us making some efforts means that our relationhisp is still strong and that we have solved most of the issues we had, plenty to be able to be happy and have a stable relationship.

Sometimes, relationship go sour and yes it's not a good for the dcs, especially when it goes on and on for years and years.
But, imo, sometimes too, people are too quick to throw the towel away. And again, seeing your parents actually working at solving issues and moving from an unhappy relationhsip back to a happy one (usually different) is also a VERY good example to give to your dcs.

livewyre · 17/04/2016 20:55

Of course it affects children. So does parental illness, birth of a sibling, death in the family, the fridge breaking down, power cuts, change in governments, being made redundant, the list goes on.

Shit happens. It's how the parents and the family deal with the shit that counts.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 20:56

cowbag are you me? Very similar experience, even down to parentssaying they probably could have ridden it out and got back on track. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

PortiaCastis · 17/04/2016 20:56

When you find out your husband has been having sex with the ow and then coming home to have sex with you the only answer is divorce.

donajimena · 17/04/2016 20:56

vaara I might start a thread on dating as a lone parent... Grin
then again I would have to find a new username after the fallout and I am out of inspiration...