To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

Baconyum, of course you're right, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But honestly, would anyone leaving their husband because of an intolerable situation really tell everyone it was because that they wanted more excitement in their life rather than 'we're just not getting on' or something?

Yes to save face, avoid further questions...

Bumshakawahwah, you've given a classic example of people on the outside thinking they "know" what happened in others' relationships and judging, based on not much at all. You just don't know.

Of COURSE the husband would say he was upset/wanting to work on things to people! He'd hardly say "fair enough, I was mean to her, a workaholic, never did any parenting, had a porn addiction" or whatever!

And even if the facts were as they seemed, the prospect of the woman being married without love for years and years "for the kids" sounds bleak.

I laugh my ass off when I think of the bullshit stories about our divorce my ex's friends and family believe.

Bet he never told them he threw crockery at me on my first ever Mother's Day....

It was her that said she wanted out because she wanted to get more out of life

This does not necessarily mean more excitement.

Particularly if she also said it was before she started resenting him.
I think that's wise. As we've seen on this thread that having the parents at war was the main problem for the children.

Bumshakawahwah:
My exH 'wanted to work on our marriage' too, after years of abuse and years of me begging him to consider therapy, which he refused to go to because -- God only knows why actually. Maybe because it was me suggesting it. He didn't like to be told what to do. But when it looked as if things were about to go tits up for him, no more meals cooked, no more laundry service, no more wife at home to dump all his bile on, contact with the children he used to spend his time yelling at reduced to every other weekend, then he wanted to work on the marriage.

Oh and he had cheated on me by then -- he had admitted this; but he didn't know I knew about the gay porn he had paid for online or the diy gay porn site he was a member of. So obv I didn't feel working on the marriage was going to be anything but a big fat waste of time and money.

You only knew the women slightly, and you may well have had a carefully edited version from the husband. You don't know if he had been cutting to her about gaining baby weight, or whether he had a habit of criticising her cooking, or could never, ever find any of his personal belongings, or if he preferred looking at underage Asian girls being spanked to having sex with her. You don't know how badly this man had let his wife down in ways big or small over the years. A lot of the details of unhappy marriages make one of the parties feel utterly small and humiliated, and people do not share them with others because they cause immense shame and embarrassment.

I once got a sopping nappy thrown at me at full force, and it burst in my face. Nobody IRL knows that.

God math, that is awful. I would die if I felt my son could ever treat another human being like that. I agree that people rarely tell the outside world what is really going on.

Fair enough. I guess all I can do is take what somdone says at face value. I did judge her, just a little bit. I'd NEVER have let her know that though.