To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

"One party just decided out of the blue to divorce and that was that."
It might have been out of the blue to you (as an onlooker) but it will not have been out of the blue to the person asking for the divorce. And maybe not for the other partner either. My bet would be infidelity. Which they did not care to discuss with you.

I dont know anybody who divorced because they were a bit bored is it not better parents are happy apart than miserable together. My mum and stepdad should have divorced I had a miserable childhood.

I think you are being judgemental and unpleasant, plus incredibly arrogant to think that little old you knows the ins and outs of everyone else's relationships.

And I certainly hope it is not a friends divorce which has prompted you into posting this thread, as that would be an unbelievably shitty and unsupportive thing to do.

Forgot to say I don't think divorce if there is adultery should be automatic. Counselling should happen to try and save the marriage.

Are you kidding me? If my husband shags someone else I am supposed to go to counselling to see if we can save "the marriage". He's be lucky I didn't kill him. "The marriage" is nothing more than mutual bonds of trust and commitment. once you break those bonds, there may well be nothing left to save. I can't believe you think this is ok - to force a betrayed spouse into counselling.

Unless the counsellor has a magic spell to turn back time. Is that the kind of counselling you were thinking of?

I agree with OP that divorce always affects children and they rarely are happy about it. It doesn't mean it shouldn't happen though.

Liara six divorces?! You have an admirably generous and mature view of it all. You say you were relieved every time they split, but would you have rather they didn't keep starting new relationships and getting married or do you feel they were entitled to try and find love?

Who mentioned mid life crises or wanting to shag other people?

Actually, I think getting divorced because you want to shag other people is a stellar reason to get divorced. Much better than actually shagging other people without bothering to leave your marriage first.

I understand it's a contentious issue Vaara but I don't think it means it shouldn't be discussed, and you after all are the one pressing me for details and demanding to know 'who these people are.'

However I know of a few cases so no it's not about any one person.

Happy people make better parents. With the exception of people who will never put their children first anyway (like my father was - he was #1 priority got him) then divorced parents are a better bet for children than miserable or scared parents who are together.

I had friends who were together "for the children" and the disinterest they had for each other has given their children some weird ideas about relationships. They just had no interest in anything the other did at all. It wasn't healthy.

I'm not sure why you would feel the need to start such a shitty goady thread.

Vaara why are you being so astonishingly aggressive? It's really disproportionate to the content of the thread. If it's touching a nerve, don't read it. It's a perfectly legitimate debate and OP has not been unpleasant.

It isn't intended to be goady, Vaara, like I say, it's a contentious issue but do you not think it should be talked about at all?

It may be an uncomfortable realisation for a country with such a high divorce rate, but it does affect the children. That doesn't mean it shouldn't ever happen, of course.

What do you want to get out of this thread?

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you what reasons people divorce for. Absolutely nothing. My children don't need your faux concern thanks. If you don't want to get divorced then don't, your opinion on other people's lives means nothing.

It's true it has nothing to do with me, but then childhood obesity has nothing to do with me, other people's pets have nothing to do with me, etc, :)

Everything affects children. The issue is how much it affects them and if negatively or positively.

But, as others, I don't think people divorcing take it lightly. It's more that they put up with a lot less than before. From abuse to infidelity.

The OP isn't being shitty or goady. The OP raised a topic of conversation that, while probably contentious and difficult, is perfectly reasonable.

Thisnisnnot wisely the kind of topic adults can and should discuss, with the expected differences of opinion and emotions/experiences involved.

My parents divorced and it was pretty awful- it didn't help that I went on to have horrible step parents.

I only saw my dad on random weekends but I do know that I would have found it incredibly difficult to have split my time between two homes. In cases where there is abuse/constant arguing etc I think it is 100% best to seoerate as it is such a toxic environment. However, I do think some people give up on their marriages too easily. My own marriage has had it's issues but I know my children would be devastated if we broke up to be honest.

In our circle of friends, we only have one couple who have got divorced. We are good friends with both of them and went to both second marriages.

They have (after an awful first year) dealt with the shared parenting brilliantly and are a great example of how to do it right. Especially the woman - her ex left her for another woman and she was utterly heartbroken. She has been so generous and dignified - I think her daughter has never heard her utter a bad word about her dad.

They are lucky in that their child was only 18 months when they split. She didn't see the awful bits.

It's all very harmonious, but it has definitely affected her to some degree and I don't think my friend my has ever been properly happy since, despite remarrying.

While I know everyone everyone handles their experience differently, but speaking from my experience. I think it's worse for a child when parents are constantly rowing. I used to pray for my mum and dad to get divorced. They finally did wgsn I was 18.

Of course YANBU to say it affects children but not always in a negative way. Some people make better parents apart than they do together. I have separated from both my children's fathers when they were quite young (2-3ish). DS was definitely better off for it ( he's an adult now) with DD it's too soon to tell.

YABU to suggest that parents don't take their children's needs into consideration when making their decision though. Just because you are not aware of their reasons for ending their relationship does not mean they are not good ones.

Of course it's goady.

The OP is saying one of two things, either "my friend, who has confided this to me, is getting divorced simply because she's bored. My reaction to my friend confiding in me is to start a thread on a site read by millions of people"
Or
"A few people I kind of know recently have got divorced. From my perspective of being someone who doesn't know jack shit, I think they're getting divorced because they're bored. I'm going to go on a site frequented by parents, plenty of whom are divorced, and I'm going to give my half baked tuppence work on why divorced people don't know which side their bread is buttered"

Either one makes you a dick.

I'm not really suggesting that, Madame, but I think 'hearing what we want to hear' is a very real human thing, and there is so much literature assuring parents that their children will, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, be happy as long as they have happy parents and divorce will naturally lead to happiness, that I think parents listen to this refrain rather than being more objective about the situation.

For Almost all the divorced couples I know, it was one partner upping and leaving, and the other just being left. Mostly the man leaving, to move in with another woman.

What can you do in that situation?!

Don't know any couple where both partners chose to divorce, after mutual agreement to divorce, I think "Conscious uncoupling" is rare.

Children may view their parents divorcing as for very little. They may often not realise how awful the marriage is. They may even not have spotted forms of abuse.

I know my DS hadn't, until he witnessed violence after we separated.