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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think divorce absolutely does affect children

309 replies

springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 19:24

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 17/04/2016 20:57

Yes yeahsure I found that a bit of a kick in the teeth too!

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 20:58

Gosh Vaara maybe you'd be better reporting the thread, if you genuinely feel I started it to goad? I didn't!

YeahSure, I agree.

I think every situation is different, and sometimes it's undoubtedly for the best that divorce happens.

I don't think MN has a view towards second marriages like the ones expressed above either, in fact i think women are encouraged to start dating quite soon.

OP posts:
Vaara · 17/04/2016 21:00

Oh women are positively encouraged to think Ryan Reynolds is waiting round the corner to ride off into the sunset.

Men, on the other hand may not date. Ever.

havalina1 · 17/04/2016 21:02

OP I possibly agree with you but not entirely sure of your opinion.

My parents divorced when I was a young teenager after a horrible marriage.

I resented my dad for years, because much as their marriage was shite, being a child with a single parent was incredibly tough. My mum was amazing but it was very hard on us, each of us, in very different ways. My brother, two years older, was in boarding school and my little sister was at a very vulnerable pre-pubescent age.

I resented my dad for not finding a way to make his marriage work, to not realise that WE were all at stake,

My mum did an amazing job on her own, but we certainly suffered, underachieved, derailed educationally etc. It's levelled out now for us now. But it took a long long time. I find it hard to hear people going on about divorce and how it's better to be separate.... I always think, isn't their a third option - somewhere in the relationship, find a way, if there is any chance it can work, to make it work.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 21:04

I don't think I really have an opinion, because it just has to be for the individual to decide about their marriage, where I do disagree is the assumption that the children will always be happier.

Sometimes they might, but other times, they will be adversely affected.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 17/04/2016 21:04

My parents stayed together "for the sake of the children" until my youngest sibling left home. They didn't row, or bitch, or anything like that. They were great parents to us, still are. They are both happy with other people now, and that makes me very happy indeed. I am sad that they had years of unhappiness with each other of course. I can't criticise their choice, nor would I expect anyone else to make the same choice. It was not "bullshit" for us though.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 17/04/2016 21:05

My friends and I were talking about this the other week. Their parents all divorced, various point in childhood, they all said it fucked them up as kids. I always thought a bad marriage is bad, so end it and everyone is happier... but they all said from their view as dc, the marriage was fine, as their parents must have protected them from the bad bits... it wasn't until adulthood they discovered the truth. 2 still don't get what was so bad. My parents divorced a few years ago and I felt horribly bereft. I imagine that's how a child would feel. It may work out to be better than it was, but children often don't question the status quo so I expect, if their parents had protected them from the bad, like with my friends, it might all just feel much worse. At least for a time.

We were only talking about this because I was moaning about having to entertain new bloke number three of my mothers in a few weeks.

havalina1 · 17/04/2016 21:07

I don't think I really have an opinion, because it just has to be for the individual to decide about their marriage, where I do disagree is the assumption that the children will always be happier.

Yes, I'd agree with that.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 21:08

As expected, total climb down from OP.

Well done. Let's all get on with our lives shall we?

Lweji · 17/04/2016 21:10

I don't think people assume that children will always be happier.

But children are not necessarily the only important people in a marriage. Their happiness has to be balanced against their parents' too.

If children can be quite happy, even if not as happy as within the marriage, but their parents are definitely miserable together, then I'd think it's worth breaking up.
Being less happy is not the same as being unhappy.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 21:10

I don't think I have climbed down Vaara and it's actually been really hard to discuss this properly on here because you've been very aggressive and personal.

As I've acknowledged it's a contentious issue which is why I've put it here and not relationships, which would be goady.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/04/2016 21:12

You thought you'd get a better reception and a more balanced debate in AIBU?
Really? :)

Not that it matters to me. I wouldn't have realised if you hadn't mentioned.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 21:13

Well more 'not sure where else I should put it' Grin

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 17/04/2016 21:15

Have not read the full thread. Can only speak personally. My parents' divorce and subsequent remarriages totally fucked me up.
Unequivocally. And whether some people will think I should have moved on by now it has affected me my whole life. To the extent that I will never do it to my own kids, however pissed off I might get with other half.
I hope I am the exception/in the minority, truly.

seastargirl · 17/04/2016 21:16

I wouldn't say it wss the divorce that affected me. It was the numerous affairs that my dad had and the fact that post divorce he would see us as and when he was single, then disappear as soon as he found a new girlfriend.

I think a divorce where both parents are responsible and hold accountability for their children's upbringing could have limited effect.

pieceofpurplesky · 17/04/2016 21:18

My exh was totally fucked up by his parents' divorce. He has done the same to two of his kids and fucked their lives up too - and those of his ex wives (me being one of them) - his first wife ended up in an abusive relationship due to his treatment of her - he has a way to make anyone feel the most amazing person in the world but is even better at making you see every fault he has is yours iyswim).
We were happy and one day he woke up and wanted out. Total shock. DS is totally hurt by it

Lweji · 17/04/2016 21:18

I do think it's more about the actual process of divorce, than the divorce itself.

DS could have been majorly fucked out. So far he hasn't.

It's not healthy when children suddenly find themselves as pawns in the war between two parents, or have to take sides, for example. Or one of the parents shows much less interest in the child.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 21:18

That must be so hard pieceofpurplesky Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 17/04/2016 21:19

Lweji, that is so true.

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 17/04/2016 21:21

Far better for a child to be with one sane parent than listen to arguing, dodging the flying plates and wondering where their Father is from one week to the next.
If you have a happy marriage well done. I got married on love and trust and sharing life together. I didn't think I'd be shared with every woman he sweet talked the knickers off. I didn't think I'd be sharing a person who drank every night so I got bloody rid of him.

Whichoneisit · 17/04/2016 21:22

I haven't read the whole thread but I'd have to disagree with the op.
As a divorcee (and this may influence my opinion) I don't believe my children have been fucked up at all by mine and their father's divorce.
I think the experience is largely down to the way the divorce is managed... I'm lucky (and patient, I guess) nearly 5 years after the separation, I remain friends with their dad and we meet weekly as a family for dinner. It hasn't always been easy to do this but it's helped the children to adjust and to still have the experience of a family environment

Custardcream33 · 17/04/2016 21:29

I think, as with everything, it depends.

My parents hated each other and living with them arguing constantly and frequently threatening each other with divorce was awful. I remember spending my 10th birthday crying and hiding alone from an argument of theirs. They didn't seem to care at all what impact their arguing had on me/my sibling. It was a relief when they finally split up, even if I found put by my mum starkly telling me "we're divorcing, tell your sister" and then leaving the room again. Again, no consideration of the impact it could have had. This was nearly 20 years ago (I was in my early teens, sister a bit younger), I think/ hope parents are less selfish now generally!

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 17/04/2016 21:31

OP. What was your motivation for starting this thread? I just don't see the point of it unless your intention was to sound superior or to goad. There's no good to come of it.

BestZebbie · 17/04/2016 21:31

To the people saying
"better two happy parents apart than two unhappy parents together"
how often is that actually the end result of a divorce, though?
Isn't it nearly always (at least for several years)
"one happy parent and one selfish, bored parent together, then one very unhappy parent and one selfish bored parent apart".

KoalaDownUnder · 17/04/2016 21:34

YANBU, OP.

I completely agree with you.