To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

Do people really divorce if the relationship is friendly but not that exciting?

If they do, and I suggest that's a really big if, then I think the children wouldn't be badly affected at all because everything would be don't in a 'friendly' way rather than the way most divorces are conducted.

Absolutely, it absolutely depends on how the parents handle it.

Same as any other aspect of parenting.

People are allowed to want more than boredom.

Are you convincing yourself its ok to leave a boring marriage OP?

I'm with you OP but aware I'm in a minority.

If a couple are truly miserable together and have tried hard for years to improve things then splitting up may be better than the alternative.

But on here I hear of people contemplating divorce just because they've "lost the spark" even though they still get on ok. IMO that's not a good enough reason if you have DC

I don't think divorce causes the problems as living with unhappy parents must impact on a child's own happiness. I do think however parents tend to underestimate the effects on their children when they move on to set up new families and expect their children to adapt to this without acknowledging the sometimes crippling effects of loss and rejection their children may be left dealing with.

Chickenowner, I was worried my children would also grow up thinking married people just don't like eachother. My dh was abusive so I had no choice but to leave.

They now see a normal relationship with me and their amazing step dad. It's second best for them I guess as it's not their dad, but surely it's better than them having a poisonous idea of what's normal?

minipie is that just not a massive waste of the years you've been miserable and not left? Because if you leave eventually you've gained nothing by staying all that time have you?

Fuck that, leave and reclaim your life back.

Of course divorce does affect the children. That was why I stayed with my ExH for so long.

It really surprised me that after I left my exh, I got loads of comments from friends and family telling me how much happier my kids seemed. I had not realised how much the tense atmosphere at home was impacting them and making them unhappy and probably had done for years.

You get ONE life. That's it. How awful to spend around a quarter of it or more just existing in an unfulfilling and unloving situation. Distress for children can be minimised, starting with not constantly presenting the 2.4 kids nuclear family as the optimal set up. It isn't and in my opinion it's THAT belief and drooping around acting like it is, in front of your children is what causes pain and long term issues for them.

I don't think people are necessarily miserable, though - I'd never suggest staying in a genuinely miserable relationship whether abusive or not, but I do think children are affected by divorce and as such it shouldn't be taken lightly.

My parents divorced after my dad cheated on my mum with someone much younger. It was 100% the right thing to do, IMO, and I am certain I am happier than I would have been had they stayed together. That said, their amicable divorce has affected me considerably for years. Obviously I can only speak for myself, perhaps a more resilient child might have coped better.

Of the divorced couples I know (all various degrees of amicable) I would still say that none of the children have escaped unscathed. They are stressed by having a week in each home or a few days here and there.

Yes, I am sure it's much worse if the parents are unable to smooth the path for ther children but there is absolutely no point in pretending that the situation, in and of itself, is not inherently unpleasant and sometimes even damaging.

Where are all these threads with people contemplating divorce because they've lost the spark and being encouraged by MNers? I just don't seem to see them.

From what I have seen, what is usually being described is a situation where the woman (usually, though not always) is being badly treated and getting no support from her partner to the extent that he might as well be an extra child she is caring for, being spoken to unpleasantly and made to feel small.

It is worth remembering that what looks like a friendly relationship on the outside can cover a world of misery on the inside. My df's parents' marriage looked very friendly and cosy: but it all rested on everybody in the family pretending not to notice that dad was having affair after affair. Of course friends of the family weren't told either, and the children never spoke of it to their mother. But unsurprisingly my df has grown up with trust issues.

Another instance was where the outward friendliness could only be maintained by the male partner giving up all his interests and living his partner's life instead (and distancing himself from his family). They looked friendly and amicable, but his health was suffering.

I agree with you OP.

Of course people do and can divorce if they are unhappy.

But what really infuriates me on Mumsnet is the idea that people are always going to be happier after a divorce or that their next relationship will necessarily be 'loving' and not 'cold' etc.

Sometimes things are worse for the children and the adults after a divorce but it's a cardinal sin to say that on here. As is 'staying together for the kids' which really is not always as terrible, depressing and damaging as people on here imply.

Yes it impacts on children. But I do think staying and modelling unhealthy relationships has more impact on those children in the long term when they become adults.

I am 100% happier because my parents divorced. My dad is incompatible with family life and he is the same with the wife and children he went to have after us and my mum (he is divorcing that one too now).

cory I've seen dozens and dozens of threads by people who are bored/unsatisfied/lost the spark on Relationships board. At least half of the posters say 'if you're not happy, leave, - you don't have to have an excuse, it's your life'. I've been on MN for many years.

Why are they affected? Because they've been brought up to believe that the nuclear family set up is the only way, so if it fails, as many do, then they feel they've lost something and of course they have because their core belief system has been shown to be unworkable. THAT is the loss, not the family making alternative living arrangements because the adults in it aren't happy.

I think children growing up in a home with a constant atmosphere or arguments, screaming, having to hide in your room, crying and covering your ears until its all over - that is adult selfishness, not divorce. That's what my childhood was like. My parents still have a dysfunctional relationship and I just try my best to be civil but distant these days, luckily I live hundreds of miles away so not difficult. Being around my moody, rude, emotionally stunted father and my clueless mother who idolises him brings it all back and I take days/weeks to get over even one of their short visits. Depends what sort of relationship you want with your adult children I suppose.

I thought you might have been looking to convince yourself it was ok to end your own marriage OP but I actually think you're just being incredibly judgey and goady so I'm bowing out.

You've started this thread on an entirely false premise then. You DONT think divorce should be avoided for the sake of the children, you think divorce shouldn't be undertaken lightly.

Well it isn't, so you don't need to worry.

The end.

Yanbu. Even if it is the best decision because the adults are incapable or unable to sort out their differences it will still have a massive impact on the children.

Equally, a household that doesn't deal with issues has a terrible impact on children and their ability to have healthy relationships.

I divorced my first DH amicably when DC2 was 7. I think it has definitely affected him - he's 13 now and can be quite cold towards me. It hurts, but I keep trying...

GreaseIsNotTheWord I didn't say that handling it well would have no impact, I was suggesting that a friendly and amicable divorce would have less impact than a difficult and unhealthy relationship between parents who stayed married, as subsequent posters suggested.

I think that it is a very difficult subject.

For me, life isn't something that should be a crazy amusement park ride of constant exhilaration and joy. We all have to do things we don't love in order for things to go smoothly. This might be work or similar.

Obviously I wouldn't advocate someone being genuinely unhappy. However sometimes relationships do just change as people get older and it's not good or bad, it's just different dynamics.

For the most part people should strive to make themselves happy, but there are times when an adult can place their happiness as the ultimate fairy on top of the Christmas tree and assume, backed up sometimes by posts on forums like this 'happy mum happy children' and I don't think that is always the case.