To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

I do agree that you're not allowed on MN to point out that after divorce, you might not lose ten pounds, meet the man of your dreams and live happily ever after.

A lot of people bandy LTB about as a cure-all. However you tend to be able to spot the ones who have never in their life left anybody, have no experience of the situation whatever, are talking out of their arses and can be discounted.

imho

Children are probably advantaged by having happily married parents but the parents that divorce aren't those that are happily married. There are also so many other factors that advantage and disadvantage children so it all becomes a bit meaningless really.

For me, life isn't something that should be a crazy amusement park ride of constant exhilaration and joy. We all have to do things we don't love in order for things to go smoothly. This might be work or similar.

I don't understand why you think you hold a minority view. No one thinks this.

I know people who have divorced not because of abuse or infidelity but because they were basically not married to the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. The divorce in that situation is all about the parents and not the children. Divorce in an abusive situation very different and IS about the children too because they are living in an unhappy home which they are better off out of. In a situation where parents aren't fulfilled though, often the kids are happy, one parent is happy enough and the other is the dynamite blowing that situation apart. Now that's fine, by all means do that but don't do it thinking the kids won't notice and won't mind.

People are assuming though that when a marriage ends it always ends with screaming and rowing.

However I'm thinking of those relationships where people have become friends rather than lovers or have decided to make up for a lost youth (mostly men, but sometimes women do this) and just assume their children will be okay with it. It's their choice but I do think it impacts the children and I think we've too much of a 'oh the kids will be fine!' attitude.

I'm definitely not being goady. I recognise it's a difficult subject.

Which relationships are you referring to? Friends? Relatives?

I don't anyone who has done that.

I don't understand.

You surely don't want me to name them, do you? Obviously I won't do that!

Divorce affects children because it is about change, and change always has an impact. What damages children is the way that the adults handle it, especially if the children's relationship with the non-resident parent is chopped and changed. In my work I come across parents who stop their children seeing the other parent for the most ridiculous reasons (coming back from contact in dirty vests, for example). If you wouldn't deprive your child of his or her favourite cuddly toy, why would you deprive them of the person who has been a constant presence all their lives?
I had two friends who divorced, one was definitely the 'wronged' person ( husband was expecting a child with another woman). She ranted and cried in private, but did everything to maintain their relationship with their father. Result, 3 happy young men.
Other friend's husband had a quickie with a mutual friend. Not acceptable, but she was no angel and just managed to avoid getting caught. They stayed together, but she made his life hell. In the end he left, she was a martyr and encouraged her daughter to make a serious , but false, allegation against him. Result, 3 damaged children, particularly the oldest son who she turned against his dad.

Who gets divorced thinking the kids won't notice?

Why are people making up ridiculous generalisations and then arguing with themselves?

It's not quality debate, is it?

Where did I ask for a name?

Yanbu op. Divorce unless their is abuse/adultery is very selfish.
Of course it impacts children, and children are more important than an "unfulfilled adult".
Of course arguing isn't good for children but it takes two people to argue.

However I'm thinking of those relationships where people have become friends rather than lovers or have decided to make up for a lost youth (mostly men, but sometimes women do this) and just assume their children will be okay with it.

That's only what they're telling you though. You don't know if they've done fifteen rounds of marriage counselling, put their kids in therapy to help them cope and are desperately cut up about it inside. If they're not a really close friend why would they share the full story with you?

Forgot to say I don't think divorce if there is adultery should be automatic. Counselling should happen to try and save the marriage.

it takes two people to argue

It's not just arguments though is it. It's silences, tensions, snapping, withdrawing from family life.

Children need to see happy parents.

Funny how people who are against divorce never cotton on that it doesn't take two to divorce, only one.

There you are, on your high horse, and suddenly without having done a thing someone is divorcing you!

Tough times.

"But people aren't always unhappy but bored, or just feel it's not quite right. A really unhappy relationship with constant arguing is one thing, a friendly relationship that's just not that exciting is another."
Seriously, you know people who divorced because they were bored ?

Regardless, your marriage models 'normal' relationship behaviour to your children. Generally, whatever you grow up with is what you take for granted is normal everywhere. Staying in a marriage that isn't working risks your children doing the same in their marriages. I'd rather model that it is better to cut your losses and that living alone with cats is better than living with someone you don't love, making them unhappy because they will know you don't love them.

Forgot to say I don't think divorce if there is adultery should be automatic. Counselling should happen to try and save the marriage.

That's fine for you and your marriage. Not your place to judge others who can't forgive their partner for straying.

I got divorced after being married 13 months. People having a opinion on it make my laugh my ass off.

Silly sausages.

That did happen in one of the relationships I know, Vaara

One party just decided out of the blue to divorce and that was that.

This is such a pointless thread.

OP: no one should eat sausages
All: some people like sausages
OP: ok if you like sausages you should eat sausages
All: some people need sausages
OP: ok if you need sausages you should have sausages BUT some people who don't like sausages force feed their kids sausages and that is 100% wrong.
All: Who are these mythical people who force feed their children sausages?
OP: errr I'm sure someone does and it SHOULD BE STOPPED.

What a pointless non argument.

I decided when my husband left me for another woman - not much choice there for me at all

pmsl - they decided out of the blue. And you know this for a fact because....?

You seem pretty aggressive and defensive about it actually Vaara but keep 'laughing your ass off'...!

And if you really, honestly don't know people who have divorced because they are bored or having midlife crises or want to shag other people, then okay, but I think you do need to accept loads of us do. I certainly do! My parents included.

Haven't RTFT but I have lived through 6 of my parents' divorces. All were amicable, none were really bad.

The honest truth is that, although my childhood was obviously really unsettled, I have never wished that they had stayed with any of their partners after it wasn't working for them. In fact, my overwhelming memory of when I was told each time that they were splitting up was one of relief.

It isn't that there was fighting, or abuse, or absolutely anything like that. It was just this constant, low level tension in the house. This feeling of walking slightly on eggshells and not knowing why. The feeling that something is not quite right but you don't know what it is.

I am very lucky in that dh and I are very close and have no intention of ever divorcing (we had been married longer than either of my parents ever were before we even had dc!) but if it wasn't the case I would never 'stay for the children'. It would be unfair on them. They pick up on everything, there is no hiding from them.

Vaara, I'm not going to go into details, if that's OK with you, as its a big site and I'd be mortified if anybody recognised themselves and were upset/embarrassed.

The fact is, it's not like sausages () at all.

You saying 'who are these people who get divorced because they are bored' is a bit daft as I'm obviously not going to say 'Mrs smith of 2 Woodside road'!

I have known a couple of awful relationships that quite rightly didn't last and I've known plenty that ended due to boredom, in particular when children came along and things weren't the same.