Infuriated. MIL gave DS his first hair cut!

[trulyscrumptious33]

I am raging.

One year old DS was being looked after by my MIL yesterday whilst I was at work. Upon my return, I notice that his hair looked a bit different. He has (well...had) a head full of curls, particularly around the sides and back, but I thought perhaps she had dried it patting the curls down so didn't think much more of it.

Until I went to the bathroom.

On top of the toilet was a pile of his curly locks. She had taken it upon herself to give him his first hair cut without asking me.

When she realised I was in the bathroom, she persistently called me to help her with something, was an obvious attempt at trying to distract me before I saw the evidence.

I picked up a lock for the baby book (and to give as evidence when I got back home to DH), and exited the bathroom rather in shock.

I didn't confront her (she is a very difficult character and confrontations are not the best way to deal with her). In the 5 minutes I remained she did not confess nor offer a lock from his first hair cut for keepsakes.

I rang DH on the way home rather aghast, he hit the roof!

Can you believe she would do that?! I am devastated that his beautiful head of curls are depleted to a remaining few, and that she took away a 'first' from us.

WWYD?

To those that are saying "it'll grow back, what's the big deal??"... What if he came home with pierced ears? Is that not a big deal because you can just take them out? Hair can take weeks (usually months) to get back to "pre-haircut" length. If it was a MIL shaving all of your DDs hair off you'd be furious!!! So where's the line? Better that childcare providers don't make those decisions for you.

My MIL had four children of her own... We only have one child. She has had plenty of children to pick haircuts for and dress exactly as she wanted. I don't feel like I need to justify to her why we want to do things our way. Needless to say, I'd be fuming OP.

To those that are saying "it'll grow back, what's the big deal??

I don't think anyone has said that. They've said it'll grow back so its not the actual end of the world, but that she was still entirely in the wrong.

Just go no contact. She sounds unhinged.

My mother used to do things like this and have epic temper tantrums when her behaviour was challenged.

We fixed it by calming stating she had behaved appallingly then when she had her predictable temper tantrum just saying " grow up you manipulative drama queen"
Then just walk away.

We had a few clutching at her heart area and pretending she was having a heart attack moments but it eventually worked.

Oh the PP is correct when a child goes into foster care the parents have a form to sign that gives or refuses consent for things like that and hair cuts is on it. Doing one without consent would usually get the child removed from your care and cause huge problems with attempts to have other foster children, it's considered a very big deal

Thanks Tiggerpigger. I hadn't meant that someone had literally said that word for word, rather that was the vibe from some of the comments. If you read the full thread, not everyone HAS said that it was entirely wrong, that was my point.

My DM was looking after my DC one summer for a week. We spoke on the phone and she mentioned she'd cut DS2's hair. "You've done WHAT?!" I shouted, and she sort of back-tracked and sounded a bit surprised.

It actually didn't look too bad as it turned out, and she hadn't taken much off, but he went regularly to the hairdresser and his hair didn't need cutting. I have no idea why she thought it would be a good idea.

I did mention to her the next time he went to the hairdressers that the stylist had asked what had happened because the layers were all out and she'd not been happy about it . She never, ever did it again.

The only people with a decision about a child's hair are the child and their parents. I'm surprised that so many GMs think it's OK to cut their GC's hair. Having said that, DC5 goes to my DM's for the day or the weekend, with 2 bunches or plaits and always comes back with one ponytail. I don't do it like that because (a) the sides don't stay back and (b) DD1's hair was always like that and DD2 looks so much like DD1 it's unnerving. We met her in town last week and I'd only put back the sides of DD's hair. While they were waiting for me to come out of the Ladies DM put DD's hair back in one ponytail (and broke the bands and had to go to Claires for more bands and clips.....)

"Have you not called her out yet?"

?

We fixed it by calming stating she had behaved appallingly then when she had her predictable temper tantrum just saying " grow up you manipulative drama queen" Then just walk away. We had a few clutching at her heart area and pretending she was having a heart attack moments but it eventually worked.

This is so brilliant - exactly what needs to happen - and so easy to do when MIL follows the standard controlling manipulation script (ie first the temper tantrum, then the feigning illness or crisis to seek attention, then there is normally a sulk or a huffing off).

As said on another thread just ready yourself for the confrontation, do it and watch her go through the daft volatile cycle - but don't avoid calling her on it just because of the fear of her eruption. Treat her like a toddler. Calm consistent boundaries and consequences everytime - don't rise to the hysterics.

Initially it was quite hard to get everybody doing the same because they all thought I was being an evil heartless cow.

I just kept pointing out that a fake heart attack is nothing like a real one and the other option was pretty much giving her permision to behave badly and whilst at the beginning being conditioned to believe that was normal was ok there comes a time in every grown ups life when they have to make a choice.

She's fairly normal now and has more than fleeting moments of nice so it was worth it.

Would only be angry if you had espressly forbidden the shearing of the locks...otherwise, no big deal in the bigger scheme of things tbh

YANBU.

My MIL took it upon herself to cut DDs hair, which admittedly needed it but by a hairdresser. It wasn't her first haircut, we used to take her to a really nice stylist who was so patient and great with kids (as DD was a nightmare getting it done), however we had moved house and needed to find a new one (which was on my list to sort quickly). Anyway, she had been making comments about it and DH said politely that she was getting it cut and to leave it. However he visited her with DD when I was at work and she took a set of kitchen scissors to my poor girls fringe and hair (with DHs knowledge). When I got home from work and saw it I was raging. She had made a complete arse of it. Fringe halfway up her forehead, uneven and the rest of it very untidy looking. I then had to listen to my DM ranting about how it was a mess and how dare she cut it (they don't get on). DH must have told her I was raging as she didn't do it again.

I'm a granny and would not presume to cut dgc's hair. No way . Not my children so not my decision. DD1 is a hairdresser so not an issue and we all get free hair cuts etc. When my DC were small I made the decisions re haircuts and if a grandparent had poked their noses in I would have been furious. Your MIL needs telling firmly never to interfere again. She sounds either a bully or bonkers or both.

I cannot imagine what this GM was thinking about - how very arrogant of her. I would not dream of cutting any of my GC's hair unless I had been asked to.

And the hair of a one year old is unique wonderful stuff and never grows back quite the same again. How dare she!

I would be really angry. Not just because it's his first haircut but also because she cut his hair without your permission! It's not up to get how you gave his hair. You could have preferred it (which it sounds like you did) the way it was. It's a passive aggressive controlling way of telling you she thought his hair was too long. Grrr! I feel angry for you! You need to confront her (calmly mind) - I would say something like that you are grateful for her taking care of him but please don't cut his hair in future, we will take care of that for him.

You need to put your foot down hard now. This is not about a hair cut, this is about your MIL undermining you with your child. He's only 1, you've got years of this ahead of you. You need to make it very clear now that she does not get to make any decisions for your child like this. The fact that she tried to hide it from you makes it clear she knew she was in the wrong, so the question is why did she do it? I'd be having serious thoughts about what role she's going to play in your sons life in the long term.

My DD2 is 2 1/2, both sets of grandparents are heavily involved in childcare and spent several months commenting on her need for a hair cut, as did DH. They now seem to have given up, no one would dare touch a hair on her head without my permission. There is a practical reason, I know from experience of myself and DD1 that her hair will never hang properly in a fringe so I'm waiting for it to be long enough to be included with the rest of her hair.

Feeling less grumpy now and still think its time to take some scissors to MILs hair and then have the convo about who has the right to decide when someone's hair get's cut and by whom.

It just needs to be a nice big snip safely at the back while she is sitting down. Maybe use some nice round ended kids scissors.

You can be taking a lock for your family scrap book to remember her by.

hiding love the idea of keeping a lock of MIL for keepsakes! Oh, my pelvic floor wouldn't be able to take it!!

No call from her today (as DH requested). It could be resolved so easily, all she would need to say is 'I'm sorry, I didn't realise it would be so important to you, it won't happen again.' Okay, I'd still be a bit gutted that his hair is not the same as before, but I'm a reasonable person and people mess up. (Well, she messes up a lot and quite intentionally so, but hey). Instead we have ridiculous histrionics!

I've at least managed to get something else in place for the next time she was supposed to look after him. Havung dwelt on it, I can't bring myself to have her look after him until I trust her again. I just can't do it.

And yes, good point about perhaps not exposing DS to her...DH has had to deal with lots of issues from his childhood (nothing majorly serious) but certainly needed a bit of normalising as an adult.

I've got the solution.

DS was born on the morning of April 1st. Next year, we swap her conditioner for veet!

We had a similar problem with my mum .
We had to attend an in laws funeral , just as my daughter was starting Junior school, and I'd grown her fringe out so she could wear a hairband at school.
My mum chopped the fringe so short that it stuck out like brush bristles and took months to grow again .I couldn't forgive mum and it still annoys me even though my daughter is now in her forties .

So it's a stand off - MIL thinks you need her more than she needs you - I take it she doesn't know about rearranged childcare and will be in for a bit of a shock

When are you supposed to drop him?

Not until mid-May Codyking

Oh 4 weeks -

Think of it as a game then -like a staring contest

What has DH said about lack of apology?

I agree she will be sat there all smug thinking you need her so will have to accept her way.

My mil looked after my DD2 when she was small one day and took her out in the car. Now I hadn't anticipated her going anywhere, and I hadn't thought to leave a car seat. She thought in her wisdom to do her grocery shopping for the week. I've no idea why she thought that was a good idea especially as she was visiting us and we lived a couple if hundred miles away. Needless to say I hit the roof when I discovered she had let her go out in the car age two without a seat.

Her defence? Well her son (DH)wouldn't mind apparently. He did mind very much. She was left in no doubt what he thought if her actions. I got a swift apology.

What is it with these mils?

I'd be upset too. Considering she can be a difficult character, do you think she did this deliberately to upset you? I think you should get your husband to have a quiet word with her. I know she has taken away one of his firsts that you wanted to be a part of, but there is nothing you can do about it now. The curls will grow back. OMG RubyGates sounds like you have the mother from hell!!

I absolutely hate long curly hair on boys, it always look so effeminate and I'd never allow it with my ds (luckily, his hair is dead straight and we've always kept it short). However, your mil was dead wrong to cut it herself. If she wanted to constantly nag your dh ("sort out gs's hair ffs, he looks like a girl") then fair enough, that's part and parcel of being a granny. But she should've left it at that and not taken the law into her own hands. But look, it's not a hanging offence.