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AIBU?

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Original poster

Infuriated. MIL gave DS his first hair cut!

192 replies

trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 07:48

I am raging.

One year old DS was being looked after by my MIL yesterday whilst I was at work. Upon my return, I notice that his hair looked a bit different. He has (well...had) a head full of curls, particularly around the sides and back, but I thought perhaps she had dried it patting the curls down so didn't think much more of it.

Until I went to the bathroom.

On top of the toilet was a pile of his curly locks. She had taken it upon herself to give him his first hair cut without asking me.

When she realised I was in the bathroom, she persistently called me to help her with something, was an obvious attempt at trying to distract me before I saw the evidence.

I picked up a lock for the baby book (and to give as evidence when I got back home to DH), and exited the bathroom rather in shock.

I didn't confront her (she is a very difficult character and confrontations are not the best way to deal with her). In the 5 minutes I remained she did not confess nor offer a lock from his first hair cut for keepsakes.

I rang DH on the way home rather aghast, he hit the roof!

Can you believe she would do that?! I am devastated that his beautiful head of curls are depleted to a remaining few, and that she took away a 'first' from us.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Catmuffin · 16/04/2016 08:13

Rubygates Shock You poor thing. SadFlowers

PeppaIsMyHero · 16/04/2016 08:13

BTW, if you don't tell her how you feel about this, what else is she going to feel she is entitled to do?

Only1scoop · 16/04/2016 08:13

I also agree it's really strange that you didn't mention it.

What did your husband say?

2016namechangecomingalong · 16/04/2016 08:13

YANBU at all. Don't leave it unsaid, otherwise she will think she can continue in that way.

Only1scoop · 16/04/2016 08:16

Just noticed your dh 'hit the roof '

I'm assuming you have now addressed it with her. It's not so much the 'first haircut' thing but the fact she just snipped it all off whilst in the bathroom trying to be secretive. Did she think you wouldn't notice Confused

RochelleGoyle · 16/04/2016 08:16

How dare she?! I would be absolutely fuming too and wouldn't have been able to stop myself confronting her.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 08:17

DH has said that he will confront her. Their relationship is already on very thin ice after her overstepping the mark on more than one occasion. He wants to tell her how much she has upset me, that it was totally out of order and suggest that she should give me a ring to confess and apologise.

I guess I'll just see how I react if and when I receive this phone call.

I have a rather tricky job in the arts which means that nursery and childminders aren't always an option. We have her lined up to look after DS three time whilst I am performing. One of those times involves her staying at our house for a few nights (I've written before about the time when she redecorated one of our rooms without prior permission!), which makes me doubly nervous! I don't want her looking after him after this, but really need the childcare.

Argh!

OP posts:
Yeahsure · 16/04/2016 08:20

I don't think it's strange you didn't mention it OP - only on Mumsnet does every react immediately/confront/say exactly the right thing! In RL we are taken aback by rude or unreasonable behaviour and don't know how to react.

I think it was shit of her. It says a lot about her boundaries and about what she thinks of your parenting i.e. she knows better! However it's not that uncommon for mothers/MILs to do this in my experience and as for 'firsts' - there are many and you will miss some and be there for others.

I think your dh needs to tell her it was out of order and it's upset you both. That decisions like that need to be yours.

As for 'she'd never see my son again' type answers. What. The. Fuck.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 08:21

Only once have I confronted her about something before, she is a wolf. She's burnt bridges with so many people she knows because she is such an unreasonable person. For DH's sake I always try to keep the peace and he encourages me to let him deal with things when they crop up. But this haircut, I really struggle with.

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 16/04/2016 08:22

Can you afford a part time nanny or au pair? I'd be fuming too. My DS2 had lovely curls too when he was a baby. It was a real wrench to cut them off. I'd have been raging if anyone had done that, no matter that hair grows back. It's the type of thing my mother would do.

SanityClause · 16/04/2016 08:23

You need to call her out on these things.

Okay, hair grows, blah, blah, blah, but it was important to you, and it seems she realised that it might be.

You can tell her that you were really upset that she cut your DS's hair without asking. There doesn't need to be a rational reason for your upset - most people are a bit sentimental about a first haircut. You don't have to argue your corner.

Maybe she will apologise profusely, and say she didn't really think it would be an issue. Maybe she will argue and "be difficult".

If the first, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would be very concerned about leaving my child alone with someone who didn't respect my boundaries. If she won't see your point, then perhaps you need to reassess her relationship with him, so that she doesn't get to look after him without a parent there.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 16/04/2016 08:23

😵 I would be pretty mad too! But mainly because of MIL's reaction and not feeding up, as if you'll just let it go. WTF!

topcat hair does grow back of course but the curls might not - my mum cut my ringlets off when I was about 2 because she was fed up of me screaming when she brushed them. She regretted it as my hair grew back poker straight!

raisedbyguineapigs · 16/04/2016 08:24

It's not the 'shed never see my son again' type thing, but people providing free childcare don't seem to feel they need any boundaries. And you feel so grateful to them for doing the childcare that you feel obliged to let things go. As they say, free childcare is never free!

Only1scoop · 16/04/2016 08:25

Then let him confront her.

Despite the difficult logistics if she couldn't see where you are coming from I would be seeking alternative childcare.

Inertia · 16/04/2016 08:27

She knows that you need her help, so happily tramples all over your boundaries safe in the knowledge that you daren't upset her. Of course she is in the wrong, about the haircut and the room. But she'll carry on doing what the hell she likes for as long as you rely on her childcare help.

flanjabelle · 16/04/2016 08:29

I would have fucking exploded. Slate me if you want but this would have tipped me over the edge especially if the relationship was already strained. To be honest all I could feel was blind rage when I read your post, it took a minute to articulate anything other than aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh Angry Angry Angry.

Let rip op, put this woman in her place!

LagunaBubbles · 16/04/2016 08:32

People get away with outrageous behaviour because others let them. I can't believe she redecorated without asking!! Shock

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2016 08:33

"I have a rather tricky job in the arts which means that nursery and childminders aren't always an option. We have her lined up to look after DS three time whilst I am performing. One of those times involves her staying at our house for a few nights (I've written before about the time when she redecorated one of our rooms without prior permission!), which makes me doubly nervous! I don't want her looking after him after this, but really need the childcare".

You really do need alternative childcare now given also that his mother is (not all that surprisingly) a difficult woman anyway. Your DH needs to confront her, at the very least the two of you must maintain a united front. You cannot trust her to behave.

Re an earlier comment you made:-

"For DH's sake I always try to keep the peace and he encourages me to let him deal with things when they crop up"

Wrong on both counts there; this simply gives his mother more chances to behave poorly. You are simply rewarding her continual bad behaviour by accepting it. Your boundaries are anyway way too low when it comes to his mother and she is taking full advantage of that and your indecision when it comes to her.

This stance would work only if his mother was an entirely reasonable person. Also your DH needs to fully step up with his mother, leaving her to you is simply not on. He is probably more afraid of his mother as well than he is of you as well. She is clearly not reasonable and is also someone who has fallen out with many people in the past (red flag right there). These people really do have no friends for good reason. Would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 16/04/2016 08:35

Your dh needs to make it clear that HE is furious too. It's not just you otherwise mil will turn round and say her son was ok with it.

It is a small thing of firsts in the grand scheme of things. But it is a symptom of a much bigger issue of control. Mil wants to be in control.

I would definitely be looking into alternative childcare. I know mil is a 'known' when it comes to staying in your home etc. But there is no trust there.

Janecc · 16/04/2016 08:40

Sometimes the curls don't grow back. The woman has no boundaries. Three choices really - the third rather radical 1) You let her continue looking after ds knowing she will likely overstep again. 2) you find a nanny or someone trusted to replace her - if it doesnt happen much, could dh use holiday and do it instead? 3) you change jobs so that you do "normal hours" so ds can go to nursery.

yorkshapudding · 16/04/2016 08:49

She has already redecorated a room in your house without permission and cut your child's hair without permission...what next?? She knows you depend on her for childcare and clearly thinks that this gives her Carte Blanche to do whatever the hell she likes with no repercussions. I would be concerned that her overstepping of boundaries will keep getting more and more extreme the more she is allowed to get away with this behaviour.

Leaving aside the upset that this causes you and your DH as parents, there is also the impact on your son. I would be worried about the long term implications of him regularly being left in the care of a person who undermines his parents and generally shows little regard for the wishes and feelings of others.

As for not saying anything because of her handling confrontations badly, that's pretty convenient for her isn't it? Every time someone confronts her about her unreasonable behaviour she behaves even more unreasonably and makes the person feel even worse. As a result, people stop confronting her, implicitly giving her licence to repeat the same unreasonable behaviour over and over. It's extremely manipulative.

NightWanderer · 16/04/2016 08:55

My friend's MIL did this too. It looked awful. She had to take him to a hairdresser to get it fixed. It's hard because you need the childcare but you have no control over what she'll do.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2016 09:01

If you could barely notice the haircut, I wonder if you're overreacting slightly. How much hair was actually cut off? Could there have been food or something stuck in it?
I'm not making MIL right, but I don't think hitting the roof is an appropriate reaction.
It is more important that your child is well cared for in a safe environment. Just asked to be consulted next time.

Boomingmarvellous · 16/04/2016 09:09

MIL cut DSs fringe and it was totally wonky!

I too would be raging. Especially all the baby curls.

Wdigin2this · 16/04/2016 09:09

How bloody DARE she!!!! I would have told her in no uncertain terms, that she had no right to do such a thing behind your back!!!
If she is your only possible childcare, I'd watch her like a hawk, what's she going to do next...take away his bottle/dummy/comfort blankie/favourite soft toy!