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Original poster

Infuriated. MIL gave DS his first hair cut!

192 replies

trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 07:48

I am raging.

One year old DS was being looked after by my MIL yesterday whilst I was at work. Upon my return, I notice that his hair looked a bit different. He has (well...had) a head full of curls, particularly around the sides and back, but I thought perhaps she had dried it patting the curls down so didn't think much more of it.

Until I went to the bathroom.

On top of the toilet was a pile of his curly locks. She had taken it upon herself to give him his first hair cut without asking me.

When she realised I was in the bathroom, she persistently called me to help her with something, was an obvious attempt at trying to distract me before I saw the evidence.

I picked up a lock for the baby book (and to give as evidence when I got back home to DH), and exited the bathroom rather in shock.

I didn't confront her (she is a very difficult character and confrontations are not the best way to deal with her). In the 5 minutes I remained she did not confess nor offer a lock from his first hair cut for keepsakes.

I rang DH on the way home rather aghast, he hit the roof!

Can you believe she would do that?! I am devastated that his beautiful head of curls are depleted to a remaining few, and that she took away a 'first' from us.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 16/04/2016 12:55

Doesn't matter if it's a first or not (although that makes it so much worse IMHO) but it's the fact that she not only did it, but she HID it too.

Really out of order and really conniving Sad

cruusshed · 16/04/2016 13:20

However, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter all that much. It's just hair. Hair grows again. It seems important now, but it really isn't.

It is important - it really is.

It is yet one more incident among many in a pattern of power, control, entitlement, volatility and an invasion of emotional privacy and space.

It will continue and escalate and you DS will be the battle ground.

EveryoneElsie · 16/04/2016 13:29

I would say something to her. Its not on. You dont cut someone elses childs hair unless its got bubble gum in it or something.

Scuse me I have to go tell my MIL how much I appreciate her...

CodyKing · 16/04/2016 14:12

it looked terrible and was halfway up her forehead!

This would have annoyed me! I purposely grew their fringe because the hair line changes as they grow - which is why some kids end up with Huge thick fringes.

MerryMarigold · 16/04/2016 14:19

She is now 7 and has no fringe, grew it out a couple of years ago.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2016 17:35

Bollocks to being PFB - DS2 was the one with baby curls, and I knew once they were gone, they'd never come back, hence not cutting them for ages. Sure enough, his hair now is coarser, thicker and only a slight wave to it.

SabineUndine · 16/04/2016 17:39

I would be fucking beside myself with rage. I hope your DH is going to call her and give her an earful.

NickiFury · 16/04/2016 17:41

Firsts might be overrated for YOU - those that said that, but they're not for other people. I get so tired of this get a grip, you're PFB, you're overreacting shit. How about I say to you "you're under reacting, don't you care as much about your child as I do about my child?" No? Not acceptable? Hmm

I'd be livid but would have torn into her there and then tbh. She's had her time to cut her own child's hair, why does she have to have yours too?

leopardgecko · 16/04/2016 18:00

I would be going to the police and asking for an assault charge

Interesting. I am a foster carer and we are not allowed to cut, or have cut, any foster child's hair without parental permission because it is classified as abuse. Depending on the child's legal status it's either permission from their parents, or the local authority who have parental permission. It can cause huge problems when the parents refuse permission (sometimes just to be awkward) especially when the child themselves are desperate to have it cut/re styled.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 16/04/2016 18:09

I would be going to the police and asking for an assault charge

This is a joke right? Not a serious suggestion?

dementedma · 16/04/2016 18:12

An assault charge????

teatowel · 16/04/2016 18:14

She shouldn't have done it I totally agree. However I have no recollection of any of my threes first hair cuts although I guess they were important at the time.

SabineUndine · 16/04/2016 18:15

I was wondering about that. Without the parent's permission, it is technically assault.

Toounhappynow · 16/04/2016 21:13

*OP (sorry, forgotten your name and on mobile device so can't look back!)
*
Blimey, she sounds horrendous.

Unfortunately, neither of my DS's curls grew back once cut. DS1 had beautiful light blonde ringlets. He now has very different hair. Once cut, it changed.

First times don't count/precious mum/over-reaction - all bollocks. I think this is about far more than a haircut. It is almost a challenge, a statement that she will do what she wants to your son, your home, when she wants. If confronted she will make your life difficult. Is she this tricky with your DH or does she treat him like her special solider still?

I agree with the others that DH should NOT be calling her to say she upset you and must apologise to his poor overly sensitive wife. That is how she will read it. I think you should both meet with her, her house or yours - whichever she will be calmer in, and let her know that she has overstepped the line and upset both of you, but also ask her why she did it. Not "did you think his hair needed cutting" but why do something she KNEW you would not like. (She tried to get you away from the curls). Why did she choose to do this? Make a mention about redecorating your house when she had not been asked. Why is she constantly pushing like this?

Don't shout or cry or accuse, try to talk calmly about what is going in and how it is concerning you both and making you uneasy about her having DS. Does she really want to look after him/is this coming from some long past issue about children/relationships?

Her behaviour is very bizarre and unacceptable but it would do her good to be talked to openly about it. Try your hardest to do the "when you did this, it made me feel like this..." stuff and see if you can get to the bottom of all of this. I watched an interesting talk from a man who was one of the top hostage negotiators in America. He was this square-jawed, much older, steely-eyed (strangely attractive but maybe 30 yrs agoWink) military looking man. Not what I had expected. He said he always tried to hear what people were really saying, not what their words were. And that that was the only real way to communicate with tricky customers. I have always remembered this despite being a grudge bearing, miserable, antisocial old bag) and it really does help.

The alternative to this will be to find other childcare (be good to do this anyway though) and massively reduce contact if she continues with this strange overbearing behaviour. I think it would be worth trying this first - it may make your lives much easier.

However, be very careful that DH is on the same page and will not buckle and shout or just whinge about how upset you are. Stay calm and talk about it. If she refuses and blows up than I really would reduce her influence on your DS and keep her visits to Granny-time only.

Ruby - that is terrible, Thanks* for you. Do you still see your brother?*Sad

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/04/2016 21:35

The first time I had my hair cut I was 9, and it was a school boy classmate who cut the end of my plait off. It felt like an assault to me at the time.

If mil sleeps over next time she minds, I would be fantasising about cutting her fringe very very short in the middle of the night.

It's not about the hair, and the"first" is a secondary issue, the main problem here is that your mil doesn't appreciate her relationship with your ds, that she is grandma not mum.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 22:12

A quick update before bed.

DH rang MIL this evening to pull her up on it. She reacted as to be expected, saying that she had only taken a single lock of hair (blatant lie), that we're overreacting and she has done nothing wrong. DH reiterated that she went way past the line and that she needs to accept this and apologise. At present she's refusing.

No apology nor showing willingness to understand our boundaries? No looking after DS. Simple as that.

OP posts:
Original poster
trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 22:15

Ruby that is shocking. Poor you.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 16/04/2016 22:39

Why does she think that taking 1 lock is ok? Sounds like you're taking a strong line- well done. I do agree with what others have said though- ideally you and your DH would speak to her together, as opposed to him doing it alone.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 22:42

Again thanks for all of your fantastic advice.

I agree with those of you who said that I need to confront her myself on this issue. I wish I would have said something at the time but was a bit in shock/denial in all honesty. I discussed this with DH who up until now has been a good negotiator. The redecorating I could bite my tongue and let him deal with it, but with this I feel so upset that I can't just brush it under the carpet. In DH's defence, he was telling her how upset he was too, he didn't only say to her that I'm upset.

The fact that she is point blankly lying, having produced one lock to FIL after having disposed of the rest saying that's all she cut (may I remind you that I saw the pile of hair), will not make this an easy conversation. If she is convincing herself of her lies, calmly I will challenge these and explain how what she did has made us both feel. And of course that it can never happen again.

Interesting what you say about it coming under the hood of abuse.

For those curious few, we moved into our house the weekend before we got married, and it was during the honeymoon that she took it upon herself to paint the wall in the garden room a different colour, remove furniture and put other pieces that she thought were more appropriate in there, oh and shifted it all around. Shock

OP posts:
Janecc · 16/04/2016 22:52

She's a peach. There's plenty of stuff out there on narcissism. My mother gets to spend very little time with my DD by herself. And I always check that grandma was kind. Yes, I'm watching her - she wouldn't do stuff as you've described, it would be her behaviour or what she says. It gets more important to observe mother as DD gets older and starts to have outrageous things like opinions of her own.

MadamDeathstare · 16/04/2016 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 16/04/2016 23:43

I would have positively quaked with rage. A pp is right that this is technically deemed abuse.

However, although she is an interfering cow (and much besides) I do take exception to her being called an interfering old cow by a pp. Ageist and therefore offensive.

MrsMac74 · 17/04/2016 10:16

Hi, you poor thing. What will she do next if not reprimanded this time? That's why it's important someone has a word with her. Hopefully the event will pale over time - think of all the firsts you have still to experience and can enjoy without her. And yes, maybe a quick crop when she's asleep next!

KatkinDaisy8 · 17/04/2016 10:22

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes. My own mil problems look a lot milder in comparison. Unfortunately, she has cut your child's hair without asking or consulting you and she has stolen a significant moment from you. If she would do that to you, she will always behave like that.

coveredinhopeandvaseline · 17/04/2016 10:27

My granny cut my beautiful, cherub curls when I was little. My parents went bananas.