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Original poster

Infuriated. MIL gave DS his first hair cut!

192 replies

trulyscrumptious33 · 16/04/2016 07:48

I am raging.

One year old DS was being looked after by my MIL yesterday whilst I was at work. Upon my return, I notice that his hair looked a bit different. He has (well...had) a head full of curls, particularly around the sides and back, but I thought perhaps she had dried it patting the curls down so didn't think much more of it.

Until I went to the bathroom.

On top of the toilet was a pile of his curly locks. She had taken it upon herself to give him his first hair cut without asking me.

When she realised I was in the bathroom, she persistently called me to help her with something, was an obvious attempt at trying to distract me before I saw the evidence.

I picked up a lock for the baby book (and to give as evidence when I got back home to DH), and exited the bathroom rather in shock.

I didn't confront her (she is a very difficult character and confrontations are not the best way to deal with her). In the 5 minutes I remained she did not confess nor offer a lock from his first hair cut for keepsakes.

I rang DH on the way home rather aghast, he hit the roof!

Can you believe she would do that?! I am devastated that his beautiful head of curls are depleted to a remaining few, and that she took away a 'first' from us.

WWYD?

OP posts:
ClopySow · 16/04/2016 09:10

What kind of food would have to be stuck in hair to be cut out?

I'd be furious. And she wouldn't be looking after my child again.

You've either got to change your childcare arrangements or suck it up though, because she's not going to change.

annandale · 16/04/2016 09:14

If there is absolutely no alternative to your MIL doing childcare (what about your DH, is he also a performer? Do you have any other relatives? Could you take your ds to the performance place and employ somebody near there or even at the place itself?) then I would just have a phone call with her where you sound very sad and talk about how strange it is seeing your little baby without his curls and how much you loved his hair. Let her hear the emotions this is evoking in you about your child, rather than focusing on the anger with her. That way she might react less defensively and might even tell you WHAT ON EARTH SHE WAS THINKING.

Ilovenannyplum · 16/04/2016 09:18

I'd be raging OP

DinosaursRoar · 16/04/2016 09:19

ok, this is going to be a hard decision for you - if you have a job that's not compatable with standard hours of paid for childcare, doesn't pay enough for more flexible childcare (like over night temporary nanny), can't be covered by your DH because of his working hours, and you can't trust the free, flexible hours childcare being offered by family, then something has to give - either you change jobs/hours or your DH does - or you 'suck up' the cost of flexible paid help, even if that means as a family you make a loss compared to you or your DH being a SAHP.

Using your MIL for childcare clearly isn't going to work for you. Given her history of redecorating rooms without permission, I'm genuinely surprised you didn't see this coming. Of course someone like that is not going to treat you like the primary parent who gets to make decisions and she should check things with you first.

Sooner or later, she wsa going to do something like this. At least it's just hair, it could have been a lot worse and as DS gets older, she'll have the opportunity to do much worse, and you'll have to just grin and bare it because you need her to do you a favour, which she doesn't need to do for you if she doesn't want to.

Ignore the issue about how to deal with your MIL, you can't change someone like that, nothing you say will make her change her behaviour - you have a childcare issue.

What's going to give?

Mishaps · 16/04/2016 09:19

Find some other child care PDQ! I would be incandescent with rage!

It is not about it being a "first" - it is about her not being able to recognise that he is YOUR child and she does not have the right to make this sort of decision about him.

Sort out your new child care, then present it to her as a fait accompli, telling her why you have done this.

Interfering old cow! - how dare she? - who does she think she is?

Wdigin2this · 16/04/2016 09:19

Just read the bit about MIL redecorating a room in your house...WTF!!!
Has this woman got a totally inflated opinion of her own importance, or maybe MH problems?!

TooGood2BeFalse · 16/04/2016 09:26

I swore I wouldn't be this kind of mum before I got pregnant..but then DS was born and grew the most beautiful golden brown curls Blush My MIL cut it because in her view he looked like a sheep dog ( he didn't, never been longer than top of the neck, think surfer chic). I was gutted and really had a go. I am a very calm person, things have to really build up before I open my mouth and she was shocked. Never happened again though :-D

Toast3 · 16/04/2016 09:30

That is totally inappropriate and 'crosses the line'.
I wouldn't have been able to keep my cool - how dare she do that to YOUR child! 😫

ArcheryAnnie · 16/04/2016 09:35

RubyGates holy shit. I had a pretty difficult childhood, but after reading your post don't think I can ever complain about anything again!

Please have all the flowers in the world from me. Flowers Flowers Flowers

ArcheryAnnie · 16/04/2016 09:35

(And to the OP - god, yes, I would have been completely pissed-off about anyone other than me deciding to cut DS's hair.)

ptumbi · 16/04/2016 09:38

It's not even the fact that it's the FIRST haircut - I would be absolutely LIVID even now if someone other than me or their father arranged a haircut on any of my dc!

It is not the right of a single other person in the world, to remove or add (like earrings) to my child.

chillycurtains · 16/04/2016 09:52

On the positive side, you will now remember this first....because otherwise you wouldn't remember it as a first at all. First haircuts are really not a thing and not memorable. It's a bit of a pointless argument. However your MIL did completely overstep the mark and should be told but it's not a really big deal. I think you need to just make sure she understands where your boundaries are for childcare in the future.

PiperChapstick · 16/04/2016 09:54

does grow again though? All this 'firsts' stuff is a bit over-rated in my view.

This with knobs on

CalicoBlue · 16/04/2016 09:55

My DS had lovely long blonde curls. I did not get his hair cut till he was 2. Both my DM and MiL complained that he looked like a girl, so what. They both kept asking me to get it cut. No way would either of them have cut it, I would have been livid.

I suggest as other pp have that you review your childcare. As you have notice of your performances, you are able to plan ahead. I am sure there must be classroom assistants, nursery nurses etc who would be happy to do the occasional evening childcare and earn some extra money.

Find a babysitter website allows you to search for local nannies and babysitters. This may give you an indication of how easy it would be to find someone and the cost.

albertcampionscat · 16/04/2016 09:57

Um. I'd be annoyed to, but tbh it doesn't strike me as that big a deal. Put it this way, if there's a 1-10 scale where 10 would be feeding child a food to which they had a known, serious allergy or insisting that a child with ASD was just being naughty then this rates as a 7 at most. It's the kind of thing I can imagine my mother doing and although she can be a pain in the neck sometimes she's also well-meaning and adores DS. Up to you, and certainly worth telling her you're pissed off, but hardly worth a family fued.

GrimmauldPlace · 16/04/2016 09:57

My MIL did this. Except, she messed it up and instead of leaving it alone and letting me get a hairdresser to fix it, she shaved it all off. I was fuming. She'd had a habit of overstepping the mark anyway and referring to herself as DS's "second Mummy" Angry But she backed right off and apologised for her lack of boundaries after my explosion following the hair cut. So it actually helped in a way. We have a pretty good relationship now!

MrsDeVere · 16/04/2016 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2016 10:00

THat is well beyond the boundaries. I'd be hopping too - glad your DH is going to sort it, but don't hold your breath for an apology.

If my MIL had done that to DS2 (who had his first proper haircut aged 3 1/2) I probably wouldn't have spoken to her again - it's just so inappropriate!

I hope you manage to find an alternative for childcare, because I wouldn't let her near him again - no telling what else she might find to do without consulting you!

DitsyAndTheGang · 16/04/2016 10:01

I would be very upset too. My MIL is also overbearing and we have a similar relationship to yours, with my husband saying I should leave these things to him. I have exploded a couple of times though, it felt so GOOD! It might be good for your own sense of self-respect if you gave her a damn good talking-to yourself. It would make YOU feel better, even if it made no difference to her behaviour!

For odd hours of childcare, you could try a website such as findababysitter.com, where they vet the providers in advance. There may well be someone local to you or to your usual workplace (or a combination of a few good people) who could look after your son on an ad hoc basis. I think if the sitters are professionals they should still be able to keep your son happy even if you have to use a few different ones. Obviously it would be better to have the same one all the time, but one person might not always be able to cover all your work assignments. Good luck!

RandomMess · 16/04/2016 10:02

There never seems any consequences for your MIL's behaviour does there?

Why isn't DH phoning her to tell him that he is furious as well as you?

You are going to have to decide what is more important working (and therefore relying on her for childcare) or taking a career break if your DH can't cover the childcare for which a CM or temporary nanny couldn't cover.

For as long as you need her help she will carry on with stunts like this because there are no consequences.

Narp · 16/04/2016 10:02

YANBU

But you recognise this is the compromise you are making to have the childcare you need.

Personally, I would not want anyone I thought was this unreasonable looking after my child.

RaeSkywalker · 16/04/2016 10:10

I think you really need to look into alternative childcare ASAP.

This woman has changed your child's appearance without your permission (albeit temporarily). That is not ok and would bother me more than the "firsts" thing.

coconutpie · 16/04/2016 10:16

Your DH is going about this the wrong way, he needs to tell her that HE is livid over this, not you, otherwise he is minimising this. What a fucking bitch. First of all, you need to sort alternative childcare. Hire a nanny or an au pair or you may find a willing childminder to do the hours you need.

Women like your MIL don't change their spots. She'll always be like this. I'm shocked you didn't say anything though, I would have gone batshit at her. You poor thing though, so sorry she did this to you Flowers

Sunnybitch · 16/04/2016 10:19

Firstly I'd be telling her exactly what I thought of her actions and secondly making damn sure she knew she'd never be having him again!

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 16/04/2016 10:24

He wants to tell her how much she has upset me, that it was totally out of order and suggest that she should give me a ring to confess and apologise

So he wants to tell her that YOU have a problem with it, not him? So he sets it up as a fight between the two women, and keeps himself out of it. Typical spineless dude.

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