Infuriated. MIL gave DS his first hair cut!

[trulyscrumptious33]

I am raging.

One year old DS was being looked after by my MIL yesterday whilst I was at work. Upon my return, I notice that his hair looked a bit different. He has (well...had) a head full of curls, particularly around the sides and back, but I thought perhaps she had dried it patting the curls down so didn't think much more of it.

Until I went to the bathroom.

On top of the toilet was a pile of his curly locks. She had taken it upon herself to give him his first hair cut without asking me.

When she realised I was in the bathroom, she persistently called me to help her with something, was an obvious attempt at trying to distract me before I saw the evidence.

I picked up a lock for the baby book (and to give as evidence when I got back home to DH), and exited the bathroom rather in shock.

I didn't confront her (she is a very difficult character and confrontations are not the best way to deal with her). In the 5 minutes I remained she did not confess nor offer a lock from his first hair cut for keepsakes.

I rang DH on the way home rather aghast, he hit the roof!

Can you believe she would do that?! I am devastated that his beautiful head of curls are depleted to a remaining few, and that she took away a 'first' from us.

WWYD?

Thank you for all of your responses. It certainly helps having such a range of opinions.

I suppose that it being a first isn't so much the issue, it's that she took it upon herself to change his appearance. And of course I'm very sentimental about his lovely curls.

By the way it wasn't so obvious at first because his hair was still slightly damp and he was wearing a shirt with a biggish collar covering up the back of his head. She hadn't cut the hair on the top of his head, but had cut off his curls round the sides and bottom.

I've taken a look at some of the websites recommended and alternative childcare certainly looks do-able. This is the first contract I've accepted since DS came along so we're still finding our feet. However, it's not all year round so finding childcare is not an ongoing problem. We just have to work it out ad hoc so being able to rely on the services some of you suggested would help.

I agree that if your DH is the go-between, it allows him to sit on the fence, and blame you for anything you are both upset with MIL about, and equally, he gets brownie points by complaining to you about MIL, without having to take issue with her. Not fair on either you, or MIL.

My DH did the go-between thing for years, because he knew that I would be assertive with MIL, and he was used to an "anything for a quiet life" approach, and was worried about what might happen if anyone dare to express a preference that she did not agree with. (As it turns out, not much, she just sulks and moans - easy to ignore.)

It finally came to a head (long story) and he realised he was actually making things worse. Now things are not particularly good between us and PIL, but at least we no longer allow MIL to affect our relationship to anywhere near the degree that she did before.

X posted. I'm pleased you're working out the childcare thing, but do consider your relationship, as a couple, and as individuals, with MIL.

truly, firsts aren't important to every mum but your MIL should have checked with you before reaching for the scissors and because she didn't factor in your approval or opinion at all, well she needs to be taught shown some boundaries.
I don't know how you kept your composure, I probably would have questioned her right there and then. But I realise that's not always the best way.
Good that your DH agrees with you.
WWYD? Distance works for me (but my MIL is a passive-aggressive interfering busy-body nightmare)
Instil some boundaries, that's all I have.

Yeah MIL's get a hard time on here.. sob, sob. A lot of it is justified imo

completely wrong to have done this behind your back

I want to know more about the room redecoration

My MIL made new curtains for our new house while we were away on holiday - they were awful - plain dark velvet in various shades with huge ugly hand-stitching, & only just stretched across the windows because she hadn't used enough fabric, like caravan curtains. They were finished & hung by the time we got back & she'd thrown away the old ones which were doing a perfectly good job till we chose what we wanted ourselves

x posted. sorry. I see you have some ideas and a plan
But also, please don't make excuses for your MIL. The amount of trim doesn't count. It shouldn't have been done and I think you were right to feel

PestilentialCat ^^ this is the sort of thing I've had to deal with (not with curtains)
My MIL 'improvements' are not welcome here

Oh gosh I'm the biggest MIL defender going usually but this is way over the line. The line is no longer visible from where MIL is now. What she has done is bad enough but it's the fact that she demonstrated she can't be trusted to respect boundaries that is the really important part. I would not allow unsupervised contact while your DS is too young to stand up for himself. And I would tell her why. She definitely wouldn't be allowed to babysit.

You're a more restrained woman than I OP. I would've threatened to cut her hair there and then. What a bitch.

YANBU a child's first haircut is a little milestone. What is up with these interfering MILs?

Yanbu.

People always say on these threads that the mum is being 'precious'.

It doesn't matter whether it's a first or not. It's the mil exerting her control and doing something that she had no business doing.

If this was a little girl with long hair and the mil chopped it off people would get it more.

It's the difference between taking your grandchild clothes shopping, and taking them clothes shopping, changing their clothes and throwing their old clothes away.

But, the best way is to find alternative childcare.

I know of a MIL who looks after her DGDs. When they are dropped off she immediately takes their clothes off and dresses them in v plain clothes because she disagrees in girls in pretty things. How the DIL keeps her mouth shut I do not know!

does grow again though? All this 'firsts' stuff is a bit over-rated in my view.

The curls won't necessarily grow back - baby hair can be different to toddler hair. (Sorry OP)

And just because 'firsts' don't matter to you it doesn't mean you should dismiss them mattering to someone else.

Who thinks it's ok to change someone else's child's appearance?

Yanbu.

Mil sounds toxic and does not respect your boundaries. She redecorated your house without asking?! That's batshit, who would do that? Cutting your dc's hair is mean and trying to distract you from the evidence shows she knew she shouldn't have done it.

I wouldn't leave Dc there unsupervised again.

These difficult, over bearing, unreasonable people keep everyone in control and walking on egg shells 24/7 with threat of their explosive kick-off when anyone puts a reasonable question to them.

The fact that she has burnt so many bridges tells you all you need to know - you should point out to your DH and to her that she is the common denominator in all of this....

Men like your DH have been conditioned to enable, reward and therefore encourage the continued bad behaviour by their 'not rocking the boat approach' - most other people in her life have walked away completely - if this is not the route you want to take - she needs to see your anger/assertiveness, where your displeasure is expressed, boundaries are crystal clear and most importantly consequences laid out - and you need to be ready and prepared for her bluster and anger back - probably followed by sulking.....but that will not hurt as much as constantly living you life on pins around her 24/7 trying to anticipate what she will do next, resentment growing and then the shock of another stupid out of order incident.

Everyone needs to man up to these people. But she will be eternally difficult and wanting to control - so keep her at arms length, out of your business, don't give her info (be vague) or in roads (no way to childcare) that she will exploit.

It is hard to be assertive with these toxic people - but have stock phrases to hand that you have practised calmly out loud in the mirror which applies to every situation so that you are not caught off guard...

What do you mean by that?
Is that what you think?
Why would you do/say that?

No, that doesn't work for me.
No, that is not how we do things.
We will think about it and come back to you.
No we have (or will) made our decision.

You have over stepped the mark - this is our home/child and we will decide what to do.

Check with us first before you do/buy anything regarding our child.

And if you were not able to deal with an incident at the time - go back to it face to face - simple and straight forward....when she kicks off be ready to say "We need to leave now as we will not engage or be exposed to this behaviour. Perhaps call us when you have calmed down and though things through.

You need to treat these people as toddlers as they are at about the same emotional development stage:

call them on every little thing - calmly & consistently - state the boundary and consequence

demand mutual respect

enforce the consequence if the boundary is over stepped

don't engage with the tantrum

cast them out on the naughty step (reducing contact) frequently!!!

She was out of order but you are also being PFB. I bet DC2 or 3 will definitely not have a lock of 'first hair' in their book they won't even have a baby book!

My MIL did similar, although it wasn't a first haircut. I didn't say anything either. Back then I didn't dare.

It's not really about the 'first haircut' it's about her making a decision that your child needed a haircut without asking you first. Yes, hair grows back but it's a big over stepping of boundaries.

I wouldn't go and cut my niece's hair because I think it was looking a bit long because it isn't my place to do so. I have no idea why some MIL think differently.

My MIL has cut both my kids' hair on many occasions. It drove a wedge between us in the early years and forms the basis of unresolved anger today.

She's an otherwise mostly amazing and helpful grandmother/MIL.

I'd be fucked right off its not up to mil to decide if and when he needs a haircut particularly a child's very first haircut. Yadnbu op.

Come to think of it, my dmum (not MIL!) cut dd's hair once when she was a baby because she thought it was 'falling into her eyes'. I wouldn't have minded except it looked terrible and was halfway up her forehead! I did realise though that she was trying to be helpful so I didn't have loads of unresolved anger although I did tell her I didn't much like the style. Now all forgotten till this thread. I'd it were your mum, how would you feel?

Not good at all op,

We have similar ongoing issues with mil (my mil is the one who accessed my medical records behind my back and tried to force her way into my delivery room).

I agree alternate child care is a must have at this point

However...

Of you need to rely on her for childcare at the moment, a good idea is to get yourself comfortable with confrontation. I used to keep the peace for the sake of dh but it was getting us no where, he bad been raised by this woman and had no idea what was acceptable and what wasn't.

In future, don't be afraid to stick up for yourself. Ask her: Why did you cut his hair? Tell her it looks wonky, you're not happy with it, wasn't her decision to make and leave without listening to her responses.

I was uncomfortable with confrontation so that helped me assert myself more. Just don't listen to her response.

I had this with my own mother years ago. She cut my dds curls and they never grew back. I let her know under no circumstances was it to ever happen again. She did think she was doing me a favour but once I explained she was very apologetic. We got over it and she hasn't overstepped the mark since.
I too found it very upsetting, first born, so many firsts to enjoy together. Plus the fact that her gorgeous curls were gone.
I sympathise OP

get yourself comfortable with confrontation

^^

That is exactly it - in a nut shell - put on your tin hat in readiness for the inevitable volatility - so that you are emotionally protected - you will remain stand strong and calm in the bluster. It is the 24/7 threat of an eruption that keeps everyone around her quiet and paralysed and therefore controlled. These people don't just take control of you with the actual incident.

I would be going to the police and asking for an assault charge.
But I love ds long hair and exmil isn't particularly nice.

I understand the sense of violation with this. The MIL had no right to cut the baby's hair without permission, she completely overstepped the mark and should be told that.

However, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter all that much. It's just hair. Hair grows again. It seems important now, but it really isn't.