Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it's rude to ask for a wedding plus one?

128 replies

coralpig · 15/04/2016 22:42

That really. Our invitations have gone out. For various reasons, my side is rather over-represented.
My fiancé has invited his immediate family, a few friends, we have lots of mutual friends and we have also invited a few members of his extended family including his uncle (well ex uncle really due to divorce) and his fiancée. They are newly engaged but have been together for years.

She has, this morning, telephoned my future MIL and said that she would really like a plus one and can she invite her son? He is grown up (in his late teens or early 20/ I believe).
My fiancé has met him once, many years ago. I've never met him. He doesn't lived with his mum but instead lives abroad and spent most of his late childhood with his dad. I don't really know the politics.

AIBU to think it's really cheeky to not ask us, the couple directly but instead go to the mother of the groom? And also, is it not really rude to ask for a plus one when you are already the plus one?

I've had a few plus one requests from my friends- none of whom live with their partners. These have been a bit awkward and I've said sorry no simply because of our limited numbers.
Cohabiting and married couples or couples where we know both parties are invited but I just think it's rude to ask especially in the example above.
AIBU?

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 15/04/2016 22:44

Rude. He is perfectly old enough to entertain himself when they are out. He's not a child who needs to be looked after.

CruCru · 15/04/2016 22:47

Gosh yes. My Mum had this last year from a relative who kept ringing her to moan that she couldn't bring her son to my brother's wedding.

I always assume that if the invitation doesn't suit someone, they should refuse it rather than moan. However, I was told that I was being a bit unreasonable by a couple of people when I posted about it at the time.

SueTrinder · 15/04/2016 22:55

Some people are so cheeky aren't they. DH's uncle and aunt 'invited' their daughter to our wedding (DH is from a catholic family, he has ~40 cousins, none were invited). This cousin was/is an NT adult. I was not impressed.

Delacroix · 15/04/2016 22:57

I find it hard to believe this random bloke is eager to go to his mum's boyfriend's nephew's wedding. In another country. Unless you're mega celebs and it's the party of the year. I'd love to be a fly on the wall either listening to him asking to go along to a distant wedding he has no connection to, or her insisting he has to come to this wedding whether he likes it or not while he thinks about making an AIBU thread of his own...

Very weird and rude for her to ask.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/04/2016 22:57

Yes rude. as you say - she is the plus one.

(I am cringing because when I was young and stupid and browbeaten, I was in a EA relationship and the man wouldn't let me reply to the wedding invitation of an old friend until he got one. SHIT SHIT SHIT, dear M and S I am very sorry I was such a twat, I know better now and I am so fucking sorry.)

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/04/2016 23:00

Defo rude to ask wheb she's already plus one, but have you really only invited cohabiting couples?! Confused

I know quite a few couples who have been together for a long time but choose not to live together. Doesn't mean they aren't a "real" couple!

lalalalyra · 15/04/2016 23:02

Is the plus one for her son or has she asked for her son to be invited as well as asking for a plus one?

Very rude to ask if he's an adult.

Poikjhvcx · 15/04/2016 23:04

I don't think it horribly rude to ask as long as you don't mind if the request s declined.

Saying that, I wouldn't do it myself.

MissTurnstiles · 15/04/2016 23:07

YANBU - she is rude, and you are right - she is already a 'plus one'.

You have to draw the line somewhere - we finalised our invitation list in January for a May wedding so a few guests didn't bring very new partners, but did not expect to.

Please tell us that you have said 'no'.

Original poster
coralpig · 15/04/2016 23:07

The plus one is for her son as in she wants him to be invited. She is already the plus one for for my fiancé's uncle.

I didn't say that non-cohabiting couples aren't real couples! Couples where we know both members are invited but we need a way of limiting our numbers. We can't invite everyone I'm afraid. Random plus ones that we have never met aren't invited. Weddings are so costly. I haven't been able to invite all my friends and where it's a choice between a friend or family member and a plus one that I don't know, I'm going to pick the friend. Sorry.

OP posts:
Trills · 15/04/2016 23:08

I think that if the people having the wedding wanted to invite your partner, they would have.

If they have not, it's because they don't want them.

EverySongbirdSays · 15/04/2016 23:09

My widowed aunt asked if she could bring her boyfriend to my sisters wedding as an escort - my sister had never met the man. In these days when weddings cost so much per head it's simply impertinence to insist on including guests of your own choice, rather like being invited to stay at someone's house and turning up with an unannounced extra, people wouldn't dream of that, but seem to think a wedding invite is a negotiation!

Trills · 15/04/2016 23:10

That was a general +1 answer, this is even cheekier and no sensible person would think it reasonable!

Salfordlass · 15/04/2016 23:23

It's not necessarily rude, just a bit cheeky/ignorant - maybe she's not been to many 'nice' weddings and doesn't think it's a big deal. (When I was a kid our family weddings were big knees-up affairs, the more the merrier with the reception generally at the local labour club!)
Absolutely say no though, and don't give it any more thought - petty things like this so easily fester and turn into bigger deals if you let it. just say no, point out u are already not inviting people u actually know because of the cost and put it out of ur mind.

PastaLaFeasta · 15/04/2016 23:23

We had this with a friend of the in laws, she brought some random old lady we had never even heard of never mind met. She was going to be sat with a few friends so wasn't going to be alone. This was agreed by the in laws and not something they felt we needed to agree. I'm NC with the in laws. SiL also gave us stress about a plus one, she wanted to bring her friend (actually her fuck buddy which she later admitted). We had no problem with him coming in the evening but the day was meant to be intimate and very limited on numbers due to venue, plus the costs of these strangers eating and drinking at our expense. The in laws gave us some money and felt this meant they could dictate, although it wasn't allocated or needed for the wedding and we offered to return it. I guess we may have had to relent if they were paying for the wedding.

Weddings should be about sharing a very personal and emotional moment with the closest and most loved friends and family of the bride and groom. Not a nice day out for a little old lady/adult child. My Dad has been to loads of family weddings alone and not requested his kids be invited as a plus one - he's the closer family member, uncle not cousin, and its a huge family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/04/2016 23:27

She's rude and I'd say no too.

SwimInTea · 15/04/2016 23:30

YANBU and that was rude!

Having said that, I once asked for a plus one Shock !! This was years ago when I was still new in the country and I really did notch at this wasn't the norm. I didn't realise that asking for a plus one would be considered rude. I come from a country where wedding invitations go out to a family/household and they could bring along how many ever people they liked! In fact we always encourage people to bring along family to weddings. When I invited my friends to my wedding, they brought along partners, kids, siblings and in some cases even parents (which was fine as I grew up with these friends and knew their parents)!

Anyways, a year or so after moving to London, my lanlord was getting married and I was invited. Since I only knew the lanlord and none of her family or friends, I knew I was going to feel a bit lonely at the wedding, so I asked if my boyfriend could come along. She obviously said no and I was a bit surprised and thought that was a bit odd... Surely one extra guest wouldn't matter! However, now I understand why the numbers have to be limited and it still makes me cringe that I asked for a plus one Sad Now that I am 'fully integrated' I understand that it's just a cultural gap :)

BackforGood · 15/04/2016 23:30

No, you ANBU
She is rude.
It's not quite so bad if you were inviting an old friend and not realised they were in a fairly long term relationship with someone - as long as they don't mind when the answer is no - but completely ridiculous to expect your grown ds to be invited, when you are already only being invited because you are someone else's +1

GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/04/2016 23:39

Good Lord that is rude.
Best you can do is plead numbers and say you'll leyt her know if any spaces free up Confused

314phone · 15/04/2016 23:40

I don't know if it's rude exactly. I used to find weddings very hard as everybody else was in a couple and it's the one event where your single status is massively obvious.

MissTurnstiles · 15/04/2016 23:42

314phone this woman isn't single. She is the fiancée of OP's fiancé's uncle and she wants to bring her adult son.

314phone · 15/04/2016 23:47

Oh, right.

Well, tbh, I hate weddings, I promised myself a while ago I'm never going to another one.

EverySongbirdSays · 16/04/2016 00:00

314phone your response is so not quite on thread that it has made me Grin

Canyouforgiveher · 16/04/2016 00:25

I find it hard to believe this random bloke is eager to go to his mum's boyfriend's nephew's wedding. In another country. Unless you're mega celebs and it's the party of the year. I'd love to be a fly on the wall either listening to him asking to go along to a distant wedding he has no connection to, or her insisting he has to come to this wedding whether he likes it or not while he thinks about making an AIBU thread of his own...

This completely. My 19 year old would drop in horror at the thought of going to his mum's boyfriend's nephew's wedding.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 16/04/2016 00:43

YANBU, and it has to be a no.

Is she perhaps from a different country? She might be accustomed to less formal weddings, where there isn't all the paying per head for a sit down meal, and seating plans etc?
To be honest I think it's quite generous that you're inviting an ex uncle by marriage and his fiancé. That's a tenuous enough connection.

314phone you have cracked me up :o