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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it's rude to ask for a wedding plus one?

128 replies

coralpig · 15/04/2016 22:42

That really. Our invitations have gone out. For various reasons, my side is rather over-represented.
My fiancé has invited his immediate family, a few friends, we have lots of mutual friends and we have also invited a few members of his extended family including his uncle (well ex uncle really due to divorce) and his fiancée. They are newly engaged but have been together for years.

She has, this morning, telephoned my future MIL and said that she would really like a plus one and can she invite her son? He is grown up (in his late teens or early 20/ I believe).
My fiancé has met him once, many years ago. I've never met him. He doesn't lived with his mum but instead lives abroad and spent most of his late childhood with his dad. I don't really know the politics.

AIBU to think it's really cheeky to not ask us, the couple directly but instead go to the mother of the groom? And also, is it not really rude to ask for a plus one when you are already the plus one?

I've had a few plus one requests from my friends- none of whom live with their partners. These have been a bit awkward and I've said sorry no simply because of our limited numbers.
Cohabiting and married couples or couples where we know both parties are invited but I just think it's rude to ask especially in the example above.
AIBU?

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 16/04/2016 01:45

My cousin had my Mum at his wedding even though she was ex-aunt because she had been his aunt literally his whole life, he also had her and not my Dads partner in his family photo despite my Dad actively trying to prevent my Mum being in the picture (Mum didnt put herself forward, cousin fetched her) and include his partner instead who my cousin didnt know.

I also know someone who was deeply unamused when her brother invited her ex husband to his wedding but their age gap meant that her brother had always looked up to his BIL as he had been a child when his sister married.

RNBrie · 16/04/2016 02:01

If he lives abroad is the issue that he'll be here visiting at the time of the wedding and she's worried it will be mean to go without him? That I could understand.

Otherwise, no, it's weird and rude.

When my brother got married they included a note on their invitation about kids being welcome. One of our distant aunts rsvp'd that she'd be bringing her three adult children he'd never met and their partners. That hadn't quite been what they'd meant!!

FishWithABicycle · 16/04/2016 03:10

Yanbu in this case and it's certainly ridiculous for a plus-one to have a plus-one in these circumstances but I don't think you can generally say that people should never ask for a plus-one in any circumstances. Sometimes it may not occur to a b&g when finalising a guest list that a particular person will know virtually no-one there except the b&g themselves (who will be a bit busy) and will have a miserable time without a plus-one. Even a a plus-one having plus-one can be not a ridiculous thing to ask for if the partner of a bridesmaid or best-man is going to have no-one to talk to for hours on end. But no it is fine to say no to the ex-uncle's fiancé's nephew getting an invite.

KoalaDownUnder · 16/04/2016 03:24

YANBU. It's very rude.

I've been to heaps of weddings by myself, and sometimes sat at a table of complete strangers. No big deal.

The other option is to decline the invitation, but it's never okay to ask to bring an extra! Shock

TrixieBernadette · 16/04/2016 10:02

I think it can be OK to ask for an extra, if you've been viewed as single and want to bring a boyfriend/girlfriend that has become more solid.

I know my sister asked for my cousins wedding, and everyone was ok with it. It's not always black and white, but depends how close you are to the bride and groom, and who the plus one is for.

Your uncles fiancées son is not an OK reason though!

crazywriter · 16/04/2016 11:53

YANBU that was so rude! Not just to ask but to ask your future MIL. I'd be fuming if that happened at mine.

We never included a plus one for two of my cousins because we didn't know they had partners. One text me to ask if a plus one would be OK and we agreed. The asking wasn't cheeky and there was no expectation of us saying yes. The other cousin had his step mum reply to day that he'd be coming with his new partner. There was space but I was fuming. It didn't help I didn't agree with how my cousin had treated his ex husband (cheated on him and it turned out to be with the partner he brought with him) but I just found the whole way of handling it cheeky. In the end, I think I spoke to the lot of them once at the start of the evening do and that was it. I talked to my husbands family more than mine (except my parents, sister and grandrandmother).

RaeSkywalker · 16/04/2016 11:58

I had almost this exact situation last year.

Decided that it wasn't worth the family grief if I said no, but wanted to make a point about how rude they'd been. I told DM to tell the relative who was begging for a plus 1 for their 19 year old that if the 19 year old wanted to come they could call me themselves and ask. DH and I paid for our own wedding and I really resented DM being made into the middle man.

MatildaTheCat · 16/04/2016 12:08

Ok, here's my story ( actually a friend's daughters wedding). Groom has a big family so numbers are limited. They invite a close male cousin and his girlfriend. Girlfriend then asks if she can please bring her parents to the wedding as well. Shock. When this request was politely declined she stropped off and said in that case she wouldn't be coming and neither could her boyfriend, the groom's cousin. Now that really was insane unreasonable. Grin

Op YANBU, they are cheeky buggers.

EverySongbirdSays · 16/04/2016 19:11

Matilda that's quite gobsmacking

NoPowerInTheVerseCanStopMe · 16/04/2016 19:28

Ugh. YANBU. The week before my wedding one of DH's cousins rang MIL asking if she could bring her on/off boyfriend (who she'd only just got back with after a split of several months). MIL said yes Angry. He was an absolute arse at the wedding. Well, he was an arse generally.

CalleighDoodle · 16/04/2016 19:59

I dont think it is rude to ask the parents of the couple because the wedding invitations are usually and traditionally addressed from them and so some people would just assume it is them who are dealing with.

I do think itnis rude to expect your adult son to be invited to a wedding in which he doesnt know the b&g.

I also think it is rude to invite an adult to a wedding without a plus one.

Rainbunny · 16/04/2016 21:48

I doubt the son even wants to go to a wedding, I haven't met met many (any) 19 year men who would look forward to such an event. Maybe the fiance thinks this would be a good opportunity to introduce her son to what will become her new extended family. It is still cheeky though, hopefully she took the "no" response with good grace.

CaffeineBomb · 16/04/2016 21:56

We had similar. Husbands cousin (who we both very very rarely see) refused to come unless her boyfriend who neither of us had ever met was invited. This came through her mum (DH's aunt) via MIL. I was Hmm but we decided to say ok as DH wanted to avoid arguments in the family

CazM2012 · 16/04/2016 22:02

Family member called up 6 days before my wedding to insist her new bloke was invited to my very small wedding, I'd never met him nor had my husband, they had been together barely 3 months, this person had all my bridesmaid and my wedding dress at their house so I felt stuck agreed and put the phone down it left me in tears, I agreed to keep the peace and then walked down the registry office to him on the front bloody row! Still seethe about it now don't agree it will irritate you trust me!

Notso · 16/04/2016 22:11

We had similar from DH's Aunt rang me asking if his cousins boyfriend was staying that weekend so could he come as his cousin didn't want to leave him.
I said he was welcome to come to the evening and if the cousin just wanted to come for the evening as well so he wasn't on his own then that was fine, I wouldn't be offended.
Funnily enough DH's cousin was happy to leave her boyfriend after all.

MidniteScribbler · 16/04/2016 22:37

The 19 year old son - YANBU. How ridiculous.

But I do think that single adults or those in newer relationships should generally be invited with a plus one. When you're sitting with a group who all have partners and they're all loved up. Then they get up and head to the dance floor and you're left sitting there like a nigel no-friends, it can be pretty unpleasant.

On the other hand, if you're inviting work people or a certain group that will all sit together and no one has their partners, that is a different dynamic and doesn't make for an uncomfortable situation for the person who is single.

WonderingAspie · 16/04/2016 22:42

My sister's invitations are about to go out, she mentioned it on Facebook and our cousin (who she never really sees at all and has a different girlfriend every bloody week) has been rude enough to ask if he getting a plus one. It's an evening invite but there is a huge family and a lot of friends, I'm surprised she said yes. I think my cousin shouldn't have asked. Obviously I won't say anything as it's completely up to my sister.

We had this with our wedding too. My cousin (a different one) wanted to bring her boyfriend. They were teenagers, I had never met him, if she had a plus 1 they all would have done (I have quite a few cousins) so we had a blanket rule of no plus ones for cousins especially teenagers so it all kicked off and several family members refused to come! Bloody ridiculous.

Paddletonio · 17/04/2016 10:31

In this case the lady asking for a plus one is rude.

But not inviting partners if they don't cohabit as you've mentioned is also extremely rude! I would just refuse an invitation if partner not invited.

CountessOfStrathearn · 17/04/2016 16:56

"But I do think that single adults or those in newer relationships should generally be invited with a plus one. When you're sitting with a group who all have partners and they're all loved up. Then they get up and head to the dance floor and you're left sitting there like a nigel no-friends, it can be pretty unpleasant."

I never minded being invited on my own when I was single but there was the time where the bride and groom just put on the single women (not the men!) on the same table as it was "just too difficult" to work out. It did feel like we were being ostracised!

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 17/04/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

314phone · 17/04/2016 17:09

Countess, i was at a wedding once, at a table of singles, and in the speeches, the matron of honour made a speech and at the end of it she said that she hope everybody would join her wishing that everybody at table 9 would find love too. Everybody raised their glass, stared at us, heads tilted, and said after her like school children "that the people at table nine might find love too!!"

CountessOfStrathearn · 17/04/2016 17:11

I don't find that weird at all, FishSlice. The ceremony is a public event and really the most important part of the day, and she wanted to share that.

When we got married, we invited loads of people to the ceremony only (all of our colleagues etc) and then put on afternoon tea in the church hall afterwards.

Equally, as a student and newly graduated, I've been to a good number of weddings where we were told about the ceremony time and went along to that, then those of us not invited to the wedding breakfast went out for dinner ourselves before going to the reception later.

CountessOfStrathearn · 17/04/2016 17:13

314phone, ugh! I feel quite queasy at the thought. I would have died of the shame.

Ah, well, unless you've already "found love", , I'll wish that "314 might find love too!!" Grin

MissTurnstiles · 17/04/2016 17:13

Actually, SexLube, that's really not rude and is actually totally normal if you come from a background where most people get married in church. The church ceremony is public and anyone can come in - when we got married a number of women from the village who were heavily involved with the church and had helped with the flowers came to the ceremony. They weren't invited but none of us minded because it's part of the church's position in the community.

It's very different if you are getting married in a civil ceremony in a private venue, of course, with strict limits on numbers.

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2016 17:20

How is your future MIL the plus one for your uncle? That means she wouldn't have an invitation in her own name, and wouldn't be attending at all if she hadn't been "chosen" by your uncle...

That's not how a plus one works Confused. Traditionally, if you invite someone who isn't part of a couple, you allow them to bring an unnamed partner, of their choosing.
If she's single, you should have done just that.