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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it's rude to ask for a wedding plus one?

128 replies

coralpig · 15/04/2016 22:42

That really. Our invitations have gone out. For various reasons, my side is rather over-represented.
My fiancé has invited his immediate family, a few friends, we have lots of mutual friends and we have also invited a few members of his extended family including his uncle (well ex uncle really due to divorce) and his fiancée. They are newly engaged but have been together for years.

She has, this morning, telephoned my future MIL and said that she would really like a plus one and can she invite her son? He is grown up (in his late teens or early 20/ I believe).
My fiancé has met him once, many years ago. I've never met him. He doesn't lived with his mum but instead lives abroad and spent most of his late childhood with his dad. I don't really know the politics.

AIBU to think it's really cheeky to not ask us, the couple directly but instead go to the mother of the groom? And also, is it not really rude to ask for a plus one when you are already the plus one?

I've had a few plus one requests from my friends- none of whom live with their partners. These have been a bit awkward and I've said sorry no simply because of our limited numbers.
Cohabiting and married couples or couples where we know both parties are invited but I just think it's rude to ask especially in the example above.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Hausfrau29 · 18/04/2016 18:57

YANBU! Besides the cost of an extra plus one, it's just rude especially when you barely know him!

When I got married, we invited a couple who were friends with my hubby (I had only met the female a couple of times). They subsequently split up before the wedding and hubby's friend confirmed he was still coming - he was worried it would be awkward since the split was still very fresh but we assured him he was more than welcome since hubby had known him for years, with or without a significant other!

Come the day, his ex wife who we hadn't spoken to since the split turns up at the evening reception with her own plus one!? A woman who I barely know turned up to my wedding with a woman neither of us had ever met!! They proceeded to get drunk and make idiots of themselves - it was beyond embarrassing. I mean - it didn't cost us anything since the evening reception was a buffet and we didn't have a free bar BUT I found it really rude that she just treated it like a big party and didn't even speak to me on the night!

Some people are just bizarre I suppose.

Knockmesideways · 18/04/2016 19:16

Actually FishSlice anyone can come into any wedding ceremony in the UK. Even private venues - the licensed ones like hotels, posh barns etc - have to have an 'open doors' policy in the ceremony room. Because the registrar asks if there is anyone present who objects to the wedding. If you or your OH were a bigamist, for example, it'd be the easiest thing in the world to hire a private venue and bar everyone who could stop the wedding. www.tameside.gov.uk/licensing/marriagepremises

So you can't ban anyone from pitching up at your wedding ceremony whether it's religious or civil - seat or not they can stand at the back.

BTW OP, your guest is rude - hope you've told her where to get off!

Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2016 19:24

Ooh Mavis, I don't think asking to bring a girlfriend to the evening do is so bad. I know it's not done by all mumsnetters, but many British wedding evening dos have a bar where you have to pay for drink and no seating plan anyway so bringing someone wouldn't make any difference.

ADishBestEatenCold · 18/04/2016 19:26

"Actually FishSlice anyone can come into any wedding ceremony in the UK."

I think you mean England, Knockmesideways, not the UK.

Knockmesideways · 18/04/2016 19:29

Oh Sorry Dish, I thought it was country wide. Apologies

Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2016 19:29

ADish

If it's English law, it would apply in Wales too, not just in England.

LisaC7 · 18/04/2016 19:31

Say no to plus one requests if it is an issue. It is your day and money after all Smile
I declined an evening invite once tho because in our smallish work place a colleague and her 'lovely' fiancé only invited a few peoples long term partners. My husband not being one of them, (my hubby IS lovely). I personally thought this was rude. All partners or non in my book in such a situation rather than some and not others.

Doodlemum2 · 18/04/2016 19:45

So so so rude. I'd be furious. I hate that wedding etiquette and basic good manners have gone to pot. It's rude enough to ask let alone to not ask you. You know he exists so if you wanted him there you'd have put it on the invite. Ditto the friends asking to bring a plus one. If they were welcome you'd have put it on the invite. Do they think you not considered it!!??

For our wedding I invited my friend who's a single mum and her 11 year old even though we were only have two other family children. I've known the child since she was small. My friend text to ask to bring her cousin instead so she could leave her kid with her ex and basically get drunk with her cousin (on our free booze) rather than mind her own child. I said no. We didn't want anyone at our wedding we didn't know. End of story. We did no plus ones. Singles came alone and we carefully sat the with people they knew. We got married in an expensive hotel and the meal was £100+ per head plus booze not to mention the drinks reception, canapés, evening buffet, evening cocktails. I would spend that money on someone I didn't know!! In the end it worked out really well as less ransoms meant everyone relaxed and mixed. It was lovely. Stand strong.

Itinerary · 18/04/2016 19:45

YANBU. I think it's rude to ask, because it puts the hosts in the position of either adding a guest they weren't going to invite, or feeling awkward in having to say no.

ADishBestEatenCold · 18/04/2016 19:46

"If it's English law, it would apply in Wales too, not just in England."

Sorry, Gwenhwyfar. England and Wales, then, not the UK.

AncestralRhubarb · 18/04/2016 19:47

A friend of DH's replied to our wedding invitation with, and I quote, "How many wimmin can I bring?"

Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2016 21:22

"a colleague and her 'lovely' fiancé only invited a few peoples long term partners."

Maybe they invited the partners they knew and had met. Makes sense to me. I don't see why there's an automatic right to bring a partner and I especially don't see why this should extend to very new relationships.

Mrsleighdelamare · 18/04/2016 21:30

Something very similar happened to my DSis, with her MIL, concerning a friend of a relative (who was invited), who was visiting from Belgium. DSis said yes to keep the peace, the 'plus one' didn't come as far as I recall, probably thinking 'Why the hell would I want to go to a wedding of people I don't even know?'

Postchildrenpregranny · 18/04/2016 21:38

It's completely normal ,and rather nice, in small communities for friends and neighbours to come to the church service . No one waits for a formal invitation .A school friend of DD1 is getting married soon in our home town. DD is going to the (whole) wedding .I am going to the church, along with the chief bridesmaid's mother. I have known the bride for 20 years. I'm sure she will be pleased that I want to wish her well .
And I agree its thoughtful to invite a plus one for single people. You can feel very 'spare' at a wedding unless you know a lot of the other guests. Says she who married late and went to 14 weddings alone before meeting DH

ToddlerOverload · 18/04/2016 21:58

Ha, someone brought two uninvited little girls to my friend's wedding fully kitted out in bridesmaids dresses and expected them to be able to walk down the aisle with the bride. She'd never met them.

crianriea · 18/04/2016 22:08

I would tell the her to piss off!! How bloody rude! It's stressful enough organising your wedding! I'm absolutely raging on your behalf! 😠

Mrsleighdelamare · 18/04/2016 22:16

Toddler that is astonishing. What happened? Presumably the bride said 'Not a chance'.

AgentPineapple · 18/04/2016 22:20

Definitely rude and if you don't have he space or have other people you would prefer to have at your wedding then say no. Probably approached MIL as they don't know you but still... It's weird. This is your wedding don't be pressured to change anything to suit anyone else

ToddlerOverload · 18/04/2016 22:24

I think she was torn between crying with laughter and slapping the woman round the face. But absolutely the answer was no way and they had to go and find a seat instead of hovering round the door to the church Shock I love it when she retells the story, it's one of my faves!

ChorusLine69 · 18/04/2016 22:25

Yanbu - it's very cheeky and rude, I reckon it's more common than you think and we had it happen to us when we got married - I was really annoyed too. Some people just have brass balls!

KraftyKeke · 18/04/2016 22:55

YANBU. I gave my MIL the choice of two people to invite to our wedding as we had limited numbers. My parents got the same number too. However, the couple she invited were close friends of hers and they had a grown-up son who went everywhere with them. I had countless phonecalls begging and pleading to allow him to go too, nomatter how many times I explained that our function hall was really wee and pokey and the venue was strict on maximum numbers for the reception. I put my foot down and on the day, the couple turned up minus the son, but I got some dirty looks from them because of it.

On the other hand, one of my best friends is getting married soon. I was meant to be chief bridesmaid again for her (it's her 2nd wedding) but got de-bridesmaided when I wouldn't fit in the largest size bridesmaid dress she had chosen online. My hubby is the wedding photographer and will be working all day, so I asked that since I don't know anyone at her upcoming wedding (due to complicated family politics) and I was no longer a bridesmaid could I ask a plus one so I wouldn't be on my own all day. You would think with her reaction I had asked for half the guest list, and it's not exactly gonna be a small intimate wedding. Contemplating not going if I can't bring along a friend.

Itinerary · 18/04/2016 23:49

Contemplating not going if I can't bring along a friend.

I think getting de-bridesmaided because of dress sizes would have put me off going, and now you can't take a plus one? Do something else that day.

YummyBelicious · 19/04/2016 08:14

My MIL kept trying to invite people to our wedding.
It was a tiny ceremony, 15 guests, and she kept saying that people who weren't invited to any of it 'could just pop to the ceremony and watch from the back'

Nightmares

MidniteScribbler · 19/04/2016 08:25

I hate that wedding etiquette and basic good manners have gone to pot.

Wedding etiquette and good manners would indicate that single guests get a +1. It's only been in more recent times that the absolute shock at being expected to consider the feelings of your guests has become the norm.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/04/2016 08:31

"It's only been in more recent times that the absolute shock at being expected to consider the feelings of your guests has become the norm."

I've never had a wedding invitation for a plus one so for me it's definitely not something I would expect or feel entitled to.

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