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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it's rude to ask for a wedding plus one?

128 replies

coralpig · 15/04/2016 22:42

That really. Our invitations have gone out. For various reasons, my side is rather over-represented.
My fiancé has invited his immediate family, a few friends, we have lots of mutual friends and we have also invited a few members of his extended family including his uncle (well ex uncle really due to divorce) and his fiancée. They are newly engaged but have been together for years.

She has, this morning, telephoned my future MIL and said that she would really like a plus one and can she invite her son? He is grown up (in his late teens or early 20/ I believe).
My fiancé has met him once, many years ago. I've never met him. He doesn't lived with his mum but instead lives abroad and spent most of his late childhood with his dad. I don't really know the politics.

AIBU to think it's really cheeky to not ask us, the couple directly but instead go to the mother of the groom? And also, is it not really rude to ask for a plus one when you are already the plus one?

I've had a few plus one requests from my friends- none of whom live with their partners. These have been a bit awkward and I've said sorry no simply because of our limited numbers.
Cohabiting and married couples or couples where we know both parties are invited but I just think it's rude to ask especially in the example above.
AIBU?

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 19/04/2016 09:32

Dd1 is getting married next year and we sent out the Save The Date cards last week.

We have since had FOUR people asking for a plus one. One is her 19 year old cousin who wants to bring his girlfriend, who we don't even know the name of Hmm another is a school friend who wants to being someone even though she doesn't have a partner. All have them have been invited with their family or as part of a group of friends, so it's not as if they will be in their own.

Dd was initially worried about upsetting people, I repeated the MN mantra "it's not a summons it's an invite, if they don't like it they can decline"

She laughed her head off!

Thank you MumsNetFlowers

CruCru · 19/04/2016 10:31

When I got married, a friend asked if she could bring someone. I said that I hadn't given her a +1 as I hadn't thought she was going out with anyone but of course, if she was then she should bring him.

She said "No, it's this guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks but he's being a bit crap". No! Don't bloody bring him to my wedding then!

DeclutterQueen · 19/04/2016 11:39

Completely unreasonable. When my DM and DStepD got married a wealthy friend turned up with uninvited THREE teenage boys who ate the about half the buffet between them. We ran out of food :-(

Sprink · 19/04/2016 12:24

My aunt and her wife asked to bring an additional guest to my wedding. They were coming from the States to the wedding in France. Before the wedding they planned in to travel to Germany and visit "Julian", a man in his 20s who had once stayed with them as a teenage student on a foreign exchange.

That's who they wanted to bring to the weddingtheir old exchange studentbecause he was "like family" to them. (Never mind that no one had ever met him and that the guests included actual brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews from all parts of the US who they hadn't seen in a while.)

Another guest asked if she could bring her dog to the wedding and reception, as they were coming from England and didn't want to leave him in the hotel all day. He was "only little and could sit in her lap during the meal."

We picked our battles: Julian came, the dog didn't.

Sprink · 19/04/2016 12:31

Ps-- between the random "I don't like weddings" comment and the Story of Table 9, 314phone is today's top poster.

leholly · 19/04/2016 12:57

I got married abroad but just invited anybody +1, I figure I'm inviting people I love and I want them to be as happy and comfortable on the day as possible. Another friend invited only me (not hubby) to her wedding, after she and her bf had been invited to ours, and expected a present too, after giving us nothing. I declined the invite and she never spoke to me again. No loss, really.

FlyRussianUnicorn · 19/04/2016 13:00

I think if your inviting someone on their own (eg a friend who doesnt know anyone else other than you/DH/both of you) then that isnt unreasonable. I wouldnt come to a wedding if I didnt know anyone unless it was a very close friend/family member.

That is rude though.

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 13:09

I haven't read all this but my uncle is getting married in October everyone who lives with their other half is invited my OH doesn't live with me at the minute (im still at home as is he, poor students) but we have a child together. Yet he isn't invited, I've personally asked my mum to ask her brother can he come, would I be seen as rude?

I can't see many 19year olds wanting to go to a wedding to be honest they're not exactly exciting for them

swelchphr · 19/04/2016 14:40

It was rude of her to ask. It's not even as though she would otherwise be alone, she'll have your uncle.

MissTurnstiles · 19/04/2016 15:19

19909ninty is your DC invited? If so, you should be invited as a family unit and your uncle is being U.

Otherwise, it sounds like your uncle has decided to draw the line somewhere and your DP has fallen foul of this. He ought to make an exception given your situation but there may be family politics on the other side which make this tricky...

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 15:30

Yes my son is invited despite the fact he will just be turning 1. I think I'm pissed off because my cousin has moved in with a man who is still married (she was unfortunately the other woman) and he is invited yet they've only been an item 5 months I've been with my OH coming up to 10 years. Angry

Think I'm just bring touchy

19909ninty · 19/04/2016 15:30

Being

Goingtobeawesome · 19/04/2016 15:30

My MIL had a phone call from her sister asking if dhs cousin could bring his girlfriend. I was a bit Hmm but said yes. Spread the love and all that. They are still together 17 years later but I was a bit gobsmacked they asked. This prompted me to tell MIL to be to pass on to another cousin that he could bring his girlfriend if he wanted. Fairs fair. He declined as they hadn't been together long. They are also still together 17 years later and I like her more.

Hagrid3112 · 19/04/2016 15:35

One of my uncles refused to even respond to the invitation to my wedding last year because his ex-girlfriend's daughter, who I'd never met, wasn't invited.
And, yes, I mean she was his ex at the time of sending out invitations - his new gf was invited.
People are ridiculous. YANBU! Just say no!

squatcher · 19/04/2016 15:50

YANBU - we had a small wedding and had to choose our guest list very carefully. My DH's cousin RSVP'd with her new boyfriend's name added on to the card. No phone call, no asking if it was ok. Neither of us had ever met him or even knew he existed. It was very awkward - why would we want to invite someone we don't know, when there's plenty of people we do know, who we would love to have there if we possibly could? She wouldn't have been on her own btw.

MissTurnstiles · 19/04/2016 16:07

ninty your uncle is being U, then. You are a family and you should be invited as such, regardless of the current situation where you don't live together. Hope you get it sorted.

vladimpaler · 19/04/2016 18:04

Whilst we all trample all over this woman we have never met and have no idea about, let's try another possible scenario:

Perhaps she is a lonely old woman; who hates the thought of going to a function without anyone to keep her company. Perhaps she is embarrassed to ask (maybe it is a trigger for her), and as she just wants it to 'go away' and be sorted, she did not want to bother you with it? Perhaps she cries at night from loneliness? Did anyone think of that?

I don't know, that might all be bollocks, and she could be the woman the rest of you seem to think. Only the Op knows - perhaps asking her about it would be an idea? If you don't know or really care about her; and you need to be ruthless with the numbers (understandable), then it is best to not invite people like the who are not close family. Some on here seem to think that being invited to your
wedding (aren't they lucky!) is a 'grand day out' with free food - the implication being that you resent 'free-loading' relatives. Has it occurred that for some people on their own, it might be an incredibly traumatic experience?

MissTurnstiles · 19/04/2016 18:46

vlad - your point is valid in general terms but not applicable here. Re-read the OP. This woman has been invited along with her partner of many years, to whom she is recently engaged... She is not alone.

R2G · 19/04/2016 19:12

Could it not simply be that as they are a step family she would like her son to get to know the step family? Her and the uncle probably see themselves as a family unit and would love him to know the family. That's my experience of step families anyway.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/04/2016 19:48

People, read the thread! It's not about inviting people without +1. She is the +1. She wants to have +1 to +1.

AncestralRhubarb · 19/04/2016 20:06

I was a +1 when I was 22. A friend had been invited to a wedding with her boyfriend, but they split up a week before the wedding when the catering numbers had been confirmed. The bride told my friend to bring a friend instead, so she asked me.

I got shamelessly drunk, snapped the heel off my stiletto when lunging for the tossed bouquet, and gave away one of the floral table centres to a cleaner. When I said goodbye and thank you at the end, the bride said "I've no idea who you are but I'm glad you've had a good time".

BlushBlushBlush

I was a lesson in why not to invite +1s. Twenty years on, I promise I am far better behaved at weddings.

EverySongbirdSays · 19/04/2016 20:09

Vlad RTFT - and more importantly the OP.

The OPs DH's aunt is divorced from the man who was his uncle. He is inviting this uncle, uncle has a fiance who he is welcome to bring. In turn fiance has asked MIL so her DP's former SIL if she can bring her son.

So she's not an old woman attending alone, the connection is VEEERRRYYY tenuous and the request is rude.

falange · 19/04/2016 20:42

Yes it's rude. Just say no. You don't need a reason.

SoHelpMeDog · 19/04/2016 20:47

Ridiculous etiquette aside, this is your day... Unless this is high society unlimited budget then invite who you want to be there. Plus ones are nice to have but let's face it, they couldn't give a flying f**k about your wedding, so plus one requesting plus one, totally out of order. People need to get over it and be happy for you! Again "THIS IS YOUR DAY".

carefreeeee · 19/04/2016 20:50

Perhaps she thinks it would be a good opportunity for her son to meet some members of the family she's about to marry in to?

Just say no and explain stuck for space.

I think it's rude not to invite a plus one if a guest doesn't know anyone else present. But obviously in this case that doesn't apply.

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