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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it's rude to ask for a wedding plus one?

128 replies

coralpig · 15/04/2016 22:42

That really. Our invitations have gone out. For various reasons, my side is rather over-represented.
My fiancé has invited his immediate family, a few friends, we have lots of mutual friends and we have also invited a few members of his extended family including his uncle (well ex uncle really due to divorce) and his fiancée. They are newly engaged but have been together for years.

She has, this morning, telephoned my future MIL and said that she would really like a plus one and can she invite her son? He is grown up (in his late teens or early 20/ I believe).
My fiancé has met him once, many years ago. I've never met him. He doesn't lived with his mum but instead lives abroad and spent most of his late childhood with his dad. I don't really know the politics.

AIBU to think it's really cheeky to not ask us, the couple directly but instead go to the mother of the groom? And also, is it not really rude to ask for a plus one when you are already the plus one?

I've had a few plus one requests from my friends- none of whom live with their partners. These have been a bit awkward and I've said sorry no simply because of our limited numbers.
Cohabiting and married couples or couples where we know both parties are invited but I just think it's rude to ask especially in the example above.
AIBU?

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 17:27

Molly it's the DH's uncle by marriage who is divorced from his aunt and has a new fiance he is bringing - said fiance wants to bring her son.

EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 17:28

They have approached the OP'S future MIL to get permission

314phone · 17/04/2016 17:35

Countess, still looking!! :-o
That woman putva curse on us all i think.

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2016 17:35

Oh!! Sorry Blush. Totally misread the op...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/04/2016 17:37

But not inviting partners if they don't cohabit as you've mentioned is also extremely rude! I would just refuse an invitation if partner not invited

Bloody hell, do grown adults become incapable of attending events and functions or doing stuff by themselves just because they are involved with someone.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2016 17:43

Dear god! I hope someone had a backbone and told her NO.

EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 17:44

314 - oh god how awful that reminds me of The Wedding Singer when they do the shout out to the freaks on table 3. I'd have died.

Collaborate · 17/04/2016 18:10

Just reply that there are a number of friends that you've been unable to invite due to numbers being restricted, so the answer is no. If she gets the hump then she may do you the favour of declining. If she's quite normal she'll understand. And her son will find something far better (for him) to do than go to a stranger's wedding.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 17/04/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshapudding · 17/04/2016 18:38

We had this when we got married and I was really surprised, I'd never have the cheek to ask for a plus one if it wasn't on the invitation! Friends of PIL's (who we had never even met but PIL insisted they were invited) actually asked if they could bring their four grown up children! We said no, sorry we can't afford an extra four people, so they refused to come..
Which was actually a win as far as we we're concerned Grin

scotsgirl64 · 17/04/2016 19:30

and then the son will want to bring a partner!?

CrackerChops · 17/04/2016 23:28

It was very rude of her to approach your future MIL asking for another invite, let alone for someone you've never even met.

Why do some people treat other people's weddings like one big street parade that all and sundry can tag along to? Extra guests cost money, and apart from that it's stressful enough as it is trying to whittle down guestlists and trying to accommodate everyone.

This is why, when Daniel Craig finally sees sense and comes back for me, we are eloping to Barbados and no fucker is getting invited (well, maybe Judi Dench...but thats IT.) Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2016 09:36

"his mum's boyfriend's nephew's wedding"

Actually his mum's boyfriend's ex-wife's nephew!

Gwenhwyfar · 18/04/2016 09:44

"that's really not rude and is actually totally normal if you come from a background where most people get married in church. The church ceremony is public and anyone can come in "

Exactly. You CAN'T refuse entry to anyone to a church wedding ceremony. I've been to 3 weddings (2 not in this country) where I attended the ceremony and evening do, but not the meal/reception.

paxillin · 18/04/2016 10:34

Actually his mum's boyfriend's ex-wife's nephew Grin. Wonder if your soon-to-be husband's aunt's ex-husband's girlfriend's son knows he's supposed to go. I'm sure he'd be gutted to miss out.

It's a bit like really big celebrities - you know they are really big because their entourage has an entourage.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/04/2016 15:47

and then the son will want to bring a partner!?

-..and the partner will want to bring her parents..and parents will ask that surely their elderly aunt can't be left home alone ..and..

LovelyFriend · 18/04/2016 15:55

OMG this obsession with "is this rude" on MN rolls on & on (and no it's not a new thing).

Her son who lives abroad is visiting home. They are going to a family wedding sand she thought she'd ask if he can come if there is space. You've said no. Unless she's having a major hissy that you've said no, I don't think it is rude to ask.

Perhaps she asked your F's Mum to kind of sound out the situation, so as not to appear to be rude to the bride (God forbid that should ever happen).

It sounds like you don't want them there anyway, being so very distantly related to you. Next time, try only inviting the people you really like and want at your wedding, to your wedding. (and yes, so you don't need to ask, that WAS actually rude, but also tongue in cheek) :)

But all this sitting around angsting over "it is rude? Oh I know I'll ask MN to decide" is dreadful.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/04/2016 16:09

Asking if your adult child can come to a wedding would make sense for an actual family wedding, where there would be many people the adult child would like to see and catch up with.
Going to a wedding of your mum's boyfriend's ex-wive's nephew, whom you have met once and where you don't know anybody else, is peculiar.

JustDanceAddict · 18/04/2016 18:15

I've had this at 2 occasions. My 2nd cousin asked to bring her DD & her DH and I said yes as we went to their wedding a few months previously (obv the M of the Bride invited us!). The cousin's DH wasn't able to come and nor was her sister so they took their places. At our wedding, one of my mum's cousins asked to bring his daughter. Again, I said yes as he was coming on his own.

GrumpyMummy123 · 18/04/2016 18:18

I think its very rude to ask for an invite to a wedding! That person hasn't been invited for a reason.

Just be semi honest - apologise and say sorry you're at capacity so can't invite any more. Then say that you've a few other good friends who would like to bring their other halves and if you have space once you've got all the RSVP then you'll see what you can do! .... then obviously just ignore her request. Give her a crap seat on the seating plan just as revenge for being so bloody rude. You wouldn't go out for dinner with friends and ask them to pay for a friend they'd never met. Asking to bring someone to a wedding the couple don't know is just the same.

finbarsaunders · 18/04/2016 18:40

Simple answer - sorry, limited numbers -and never even bloody met him before- so no. Grin

Also, seems quite rude of her to not ask you, but to ask MIL. Shock

OohMavis · 18/04/2016 18:45

It's so, so rude.

DH's brother did this, and worse. They were both invited to their cousin's evening reception, whom they hadn't seen in some years. To ANYONE with a brain the invites were very nice and very polite of the cousin, they literally hadn't spoken a word since they grew up and moved out, about six or seven years. BIL asked straight away in the text conversation if he could bring his girlfriend, and was told sorry, no. Rude enough, you think? Nope.

He turned up, with his girlfriend. After being told no. To the wedding ceremony itself. Uninvited.

I wheel this anecdote out whenever I can. It's the ballsiest bit of brass-neckedness I've ever had the privilege of knowing about

whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2016 18:45

Turn them down, with any luck they'll take the huff and none of them will come - then you can invite people you ACTUALLY LIKE Grin

finbarsaunders · 18/04/2016 18:53

OohMavis my face actually resembled this Shock emoticon reading that little tale. That sure trumps the soon-to-be husband's aunt's ex-husband's girlfriend's son debacle!

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 18/04/2016 18:55

TWO people asked for plus ones at our wedding. We gave them, but it seemed rude.