To ask DH not to go away on trip?

[JugglingBabies]

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

OP does he get commission every month on top of his basic?

Nonotmenori yes he does. Although I'm not entirely sure what that has to do with the issue?

This sounds horrendous. I would put a stop to these jollies. It's simply not fair or reasonable to be expected to pick up the slack for him.

Well because of some of the comments making out he's not being rewarded in cash incentives when he actually is. He's getting his monthly basic, commission every month plus winning incentives. It's very common in sales companies to give out luxury holidays once targets have been achieved. I'm surprised at a lot of the replies. But then again I'm actually in sales so it's the norm for me.

Nonotmenori Yes he has a basic salary, commission if targets are hit, and quarterly bonuses. Plus these incentive trips.

But still not earning enough to take his family on holiday- so a pretty crap job.

Pearly don't think hubby's salary is the issue tbh! He has a good wage. So do I. We have financial commitments that are more important than a family holiday. That's not the issue.

But you say that your lack of family holidays is one area of frustration.
If you were having holidays too then you wouln't feel so bad about your OHs jollies?

Yanbu id hate this u sound far more reasonable than me

Perhaps you missed the post saying that as a joint decision we have decided to supplement my grandmothers care. She has Alzheimer's & requires full time care. My parents are not in a position to do so. As a consequence, we are unable to take a family holiday. Which is fine by me. As I have already stated.

pearly that is so fucking rude

Why doesn't the council fund your gran? They should.

Also, does your dh feel resentful about funding your gran, and is this why he's happy to go on holiday by himself?

He is doing really well but if it were my DH I know he would not go away on a holiday without me. Why does he feel the need to keep going for these competitions? If he cant take you and the family on the holidays then why does he bother.

YANBU. This would really upset me. I would struggle with the extra stress you describe, and I would also feel sad if my husband wanted to go away for four weeks a year without his family.

I think it's time to sit down and have a big talk. I would ask that he compromise by going on one trip per year, and I would also ask him to make some suggestions about how he could accommodate you having some leisure time on your own, if that's something you want.

Also, who else goes on these holidays? Does he just go alone to a hotel or do other winners go from other areas and does he know them?

Sorry OP but you are coming across as being quite defensive. Several times you have said "that's not the issue" - so I'm wondering what IS the issue. You are defending your DH with his super job etc., don't mind not having any holidays, quite clear that he can't take family on trips he has won, don't mind that he does very little childcare while you have a full time job too, and are just wondering if you could ask him not to go on the next trip? Is that the size of it?

You say you are no "down trodden housewife" but it doesn't sound to me as though you have an equal partnership.

Someone mentioned the LA funding your grandmother and my understanding is that if the person needing residential care own their own property, the LA pay the care home fees, but the property has to be sold to cover the cost. If they don't own their own property and have savings of less that £23,000 (approx.) then the LA pay the care home fees. So why are you having to pay out for your grandmother. You'll probably say "that's not the issue" but it is isn't it because you are talking about the inability to pay for a family holiday because of these fees you are paying out.

You mention that some of the issues raised had already been covered, but several posts can come in while someone is posting, and don't realise until the have submitted their post and seen that others have come in, in the meantime.

NanaNina my grandmothers property has been on the market for sale for the last 18months. At a fraction of market value. Our local authority see's her as having assets to sell. We cannot help it if no-one wants to buy them! Therefore we are self funding her care until that point. Perhaps you would rather we left her to her own devices? TOTALLY off topic!!

What a crap arrangement. He gets the great things in life and you get to pay for Granny's care.

But why does he go in for these competitions when he can't take you or the kids. Who else goes?

If it's like where I used to work, as a sales rep you're just automatically in the competitions whether you want to be or not. It's just an additional prize for people who sell a lot.

If he's working all hours and you are still just barely getting by as a family, then he needs to look for a new job. His employer does not sound very family-friendly. There are others that are.

Regarding your grandma, what happens if you don't pay the fees? The liability is not yours. Presumably there are legal mechanisms which would allow the council to recover fees by seizing and selling the property themselves. You need some sensible advice on this.

If the house has not sold in 18 months it can't be on sale for a fraction of its market value. Even if there is something seriously wrong like subsidence, flood risk or terrible condition or location a cash buyer would surely have snapped it up by now? Can it be auctioned?

Agree that it is not your responsibility to pay for her care. The current rules mean that if she has assets she should pay, otherwise the council is liable.

Of course there are mechanisms.

The LA will pay for the care while the home is on the market and then recover what costs it can when the house is eventually sold.
www.carehome.co.uk/fees/feesadvice.cfm

The OP shouldn't be paying any of these costs.

Perhaps the dilemma OP has is that the fees they're paying now will work out to be less money overall than the necessary discount they'd need to give on the house which they will eventually inherit - it may make sense for them to hold out for a better price.

Could he ask that you go on the next one instead of him?