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AIBU?

To ask DH not to go away on trip?

193 replies

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 17:07

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

OP posts:

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JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 18:46

TeaBelle I've never said I don't want him to enjoy himself?

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TeaBelle · 14/04/2016 18:47

It's just the way your posts come across

Duckdeamon · 14/04/2016 18:50

Wow there are some 1950s posts here. Why the hell should OP wave him off in a jolly with a smile, yet again?! He is being selfish to go, and to be arsey with OP as a result of work pressure due to his decision to go.

In addition to actual work trips.

Many, many WoH women regularly decline work travel because their H's job is prioritised.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/04/2016 18:51

If he's a hard working and top performing employee then his company should reward him by way of salary/ bonus and tbh that's what I'd push for in his situation. But it sounds like he likes to jollies too much. A pay rise would mean you can afford to take a holiday together.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 18:52

If he chooses to go, the very least he can do is enjoy himself surely? The entire process would be totally pointless otherwise.

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pluck · 14/04/2016 18:55

His "reward" for meeting targets is paid for by extra work by YOU and HIM. I agree with LittleLion that the company has to think of a better reward system, one which isn't subsidised by employees and families!

Peppapogstillonaloop · 14/04/2016 18:56

Yanbu these trips are not mandatory and he will Not find his career affected if he delcines. A one of fine but twice a year is far too much esp given you basically don't get a break at all. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and he is being selfish accepting them all. Sure he works hard but so do you!!!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/04/2016 18:57

There's something wrong if he's the company's best employee, keeps winning expensive incentive trips and yet is not earning enough to afford family holidays. It sounds a stifling and exploitative set-up, pretty crap for people with families.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 18:59

Not really. We have a home to pay for & children to support. We also contribute a large amount of financial support to my grandmother who has Alzheimer's & needs full time care. To me, those are more important than a holiday.

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BlueStringPudding · 14/04/2016 19:02

I think the problem is that he's getting holidays away on his own, but you can't afford/don't take family holidays. If your DH is doing well enough to be awarded these trips, then he should be earning a good enough salary for a family holiday, even if it's a fairly modest one.

I agree with suggesting he just takes one trip a year, but also think you need to look at how/when you can get a family holiday.

LizzieMacQueen · 14/04/2016 19:02

I know you haven't asked for advice but I would encourage him to get a new job. If he is consistently their best employee and wins the prizes I would think he's ready for new challenges - a new job in a new company where the sales bonuses are better for you all.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 19:03

Sorry, I didn't mean that to come across harshly Heteronormative. Our family finances are just diverted elsewhere at the moment

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BlueStringPudding · 14/04/2016 19:05

Sorry cross-posted. Sorry about your grandmother..

Strictly1 · 14/04/2016 19:07

I'm going to go against the majority here: I think YABU. He works hard and wins holidays. To say he can't go because you don't get a holiday seems wrong. Yes, it puts some additional pressure on you but can't you look at how to reduce this rather than deny him something he has earned?

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 14/04/2016 19:07

When do you get time for yourself? And I don't just mean an hour when the DCs are in bed?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/04/2016 19:10

I think YABU and I wouldn't ask him not to go...

I would ask him to please try and stop the rush to meet his targets beforehand affecting the time you do spend with him, and I'd ask him to work with me to find a way that I could get some time to myself too, but I think it's pretty unreasonable to ask him to miss out on a trip that he has won for being good at his job. It's not using up his AL entitlement, it's not costing you anything...

It's a difficult one because you are the one being left behind and that's always going to suck, but it sounds like he works hard, and it's a perk of an otherwise stressful job? I think you just need to make sure he covers some downtime for you when he is around.

HPsauciness · 14/04/2016 19:12

Four weeks a year holiday away from the children and you?

Honestly, this is ridiculous.

This is not a family friendly company if they can only think of one way to reward their best employees! We get cash, which is infinitely preferable, and you can still spend on a holiday if you like.

peggyundercrackers · 14/04/2016 19:12

Yabu - it's part of the job surely? Just because other people choose not to go doesn't mean your DH shouldn't go - if they jumped off a bridge should your DH jump off the bridge too? No... He obviously works hard so why shouldn't he be able to enjoy his prize?

I also think it's unfair to moan you aren't getting a holiday when in fact you are choosing to put money towards family rather than on holidays - which is fine but you can't moan about not getting a holiday.

There also seems to be lots of posters saying get him another job so all the family can go on holiday - why is it his responsibility to get a new job and pay for the holidays? Why should he change his job? Speak about going back to the 1950s...

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/04/2016 19:13

's OK. Sorry about your grandmother - hard on her and you all.

But I do agree it would be better for you as a family were he to receive the cost of those trips in a bonus. Tbh I'd be miserable being away for a month each year on work jollies knowing my spouse and kids were not getting a holiday. And the pp who pointed out these 'rewards' only result in him slogging even more beforehand is correct - so effectively he only thinks he's being rewarded. Nice trick on the employer's part. I'm sorry, but I do think they're taking the piss.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/04/2016 19:14

No way would a mother be able to opt out of family life for a month, let alone make the family feel the strain as they race to meet deadlines.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 19:14

peggyundercrackers choosing to put money towards the care of my grandmother who has Alzheimer's? Which means we cannot afford a holiday? Yes, I certainly would choose that over a family holiday. And not ONCE have I moaned about that choice!

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Fluffy24 · 14/04/2016 19:16

YANBU - and I bet that if the question had been framed as 'DH has agreed to voluntarily squeeze in an extra four weeks work per year, for no more money and when no doing so would in no way prejudice his career progression' you'd have got a slightly different response.

That said it probably depends on what he's like when he's not working - does he compensate by being super-helpful at looking after DC etc when he's at home so you get some down-time?

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Titsywoo · 14/04/2016 19:17

I'd be furious if dh did this twice a year and then I didn't get to go and do similar (week away with girlfriends and suchlike). Sure he works hard but so do you including looking after his kids while he is off on a jolly. Dh wouldn't go as he'd feel bad for me.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 19:22

Fluffy he does try and be helpful for a day or two after he comes home. But then it's back to work & that comes first. Which I understand. He has a good job, and those are hard to come by these days. I have always been the main carer for our DC's.

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peggyundercrackers · 14/04/2016 19:23

Juggling I didn't say you had complained about looking after your family.

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