To ask DH not to go away on trip?

[JugglingBabies]

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

Peggy you said I moaned about not being able to go on holiday myself. Which I haven't. I realise we can't because our money goes towards other things. I'm fine with that decision.

In your OP you said "you were feeling the pressure of taking up the slack and to make matters worse you couldn't get a family holiday as money dosent permit it at the moment" - is that not complaining about it?

peggy I don't see why you're giving the op a hard time, it does sound like she's been left with the shitty end of the stick.

But it isn't really a 'good job', is it? Not in terms of stress (for all of you):benefits (to all of you).

The company gets work out of its employees by setting targets and running 'competitions' with tempting prizes. So it only has to reward a handful of 'winners' for a lot of people's hard work. The 'winners' remain in the company 'universe' during their 'rewards' (forgetting even more that they have a home life) and complete the work they would have done anyway so as not to be penalised for missing targets. And all while feeling privileged and lucky for 'winning'. Win-win - for the company.

Peggy I said we couldn't take a family holiday because money doesn't permit it at the moment. Correct. That's not having a moan. Well, not for me it isn't.

Fluffy I'm not giving her a hard time about it, she said she isn't moaning but the way I read the OP she was. She's trying to make me out as a liar, sorry I'm not going to roll over and say ok your right.

Yes I totally agree Heteronormative. I meant 'good' in the financial sense, which sadly is what it has to come down to at the moment, given our commitments. In an ideal world he would switch jobs, work a nice 9-5, and earn more money ! But that's not going to happen. And to be honest, I wouldn't ask him to. Because at the end of the day, he loves his job. And I wouldn't ask him to give that up.

This is AIBU - of course she's having a moan, isn't that the whole point?!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
And I'm most impressed that you still manage to work full time yourself, whilst having 2 young children to look after.

Normally I'm all for allowing a partner to go and have fun, but in your case 4 weeks a year of you having to do even more, whilst never getting any time to yourself is really not on.

I'm actually wondering, seeing as his boss doesn't take the holidays, if there's a cash alternative which you're not being told about.

It's a pretty strong possibility - my old employer always offered cash alternatives for every incentive. And the fact that you can take these holidays without impinging on your annual leave entitlement makes me wonder WHY the boss doesn't just do it. I have the niggle feeling that there's an alternative in there.

I've no idea how you'd find out though.

But I think yanbu at all. In fact I'd be pretty sad that he was happy to be away from me and the children so much tbh.

Completely disagree with poster who seems to be accusing you of moaning. OP comes across as fair, factual but weary. As she has every right to be. DH should turn down the trips and get involved with suggesting more imaginative incentives to his company if he has opportunity to do so.

Have you posted about this before? Seems familiar.

That's an interesting theory weatherwax although like you say, how would you ever find out?**

No ClimbedEveryMountain. It's the first thing I've ever posted myself. Apologies if it's the same as something recent.

'No ClimbedEveryMountain' That was supposed to read!

How on earth do you work fulltime whilst looking after your small children - are you up all night?

Is your DH happy that you don't have a family holiday to fund your grandmother?

I think YABU. I'm guessing he's in the field of sales of some sort. As someone who's worked in the industry for years it's high pressure to ensure you hit those targets

He deserves them and the OP deserves to work twice as hard?

6 times in 3 years means 3 months away that the op picked up his slack. I can not imagine screwing over my partner their way.

I would have a SERIOUS problem with this, especially if I wasn't getting some personal time away to nice places or family holidays. Plus, he makes your family's life harder and more stressful i the run up and the run down from the trips? No way.

Selfish and unfair. You are literally left holding the bag while he's off on jollies several times a year and this continues?!

He's away for up to 4 weeks max per year then. Providing it's just for work colleagues and due to his job then I don't see the problem. It's not that long considering many wives of Armed Forces personnel don't see their husbands for months at a time and count their lucky stars when they come back unharmed.

OP has your dh never suggested that either he not go on one of these holidays, or that he should start enabling you to have an occasional week away, when he is off work and able to care for the dcs?

I completely disagree with posters who think YABU because it's his job. Er no, it's a perk of his job and if his manager wins trips but never takes them, then they obviously could be missed with no detriment to his career. He works hard, but so does the OP, and the amount of holiday time he's had away - holidaying, not working - whilst the OP soldiers on but gets no holidays herself.....i'm boggling that people think this is acceptable tbh.

YANBU and I'd have hit the roof already. I left work to care for my ds (6)who has asd we also have dd (3). I literally have no time for myself. Any time the children are at school /nursery I have to get everything done I can't do with them like shopping or errands plus household tasks such as hoovering due to the noise, smell of cleaners etc.

My husband is well paid and works long hours and travels often. I hate it because it kills me. I am totally wrecked after a week, though I do have total control of the TV for an hour before bed

I can deal with the travelling though because he hates travelling too and it allows us to have the lifestyle we enjoy. However, going on jollies would piss me off no end. Unless there was some serious impact on his career, I'd have put my foot down a long time ago or I think I'd have lost all feeling for him.

I wouldn't leave him to go on a jolly.

I see your point OP, he gets a fab holiday and you get left dealing with the children...I feel your pain, my H is an Airline pilot for a long haul company and is away constantly, but that's different because flying a jumbo jet is his job. Your other half's company doesn't sound very family friendly by not allowing you to go at least ONCE on holiday with him. I don't think you sound jealous, it's just not very fair on you.

If he didn't take the holidays, would he still need to meet his targets to be paid enough?

I think it would be very reasonable to limit these jollies to one a year.

Iluvmykids - think you're a bit off comparing her hubby going on holiday to a soldier going abroad to war etc

Are you sure, 100% sure, family can't go?

My dh 'won' a trip to a destination recently. I didn't want to go - long flight, would have worried about our kids (oldest doing A-levels so needs support atm), no annual leave left to take etc so he took fil instead at my suggestion. That was fine but no way would I have accepted him going on that trip and no family holiday at all.

I think you need to re-prioritise tbh. Family holidays, if you can afford it and you can, are a really important part of family life. If you can't afford them then you can't and everybody has to make the best of that but I think you are making the wrong choice to subsidise your grandmother's care at that expense. If family don't pay for care then the state will. The state is not going to support your family life and marriage. Spending leisure time together is really important.