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AIBU?

To ask DH not to go away on trip?

193 replies

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 17:07

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

OP posts:

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Twitterqueen · 15/04/2016 12:38

YABU
You are asking your DH to be less than his best. He's winning these trips because he is successful. And they are not holidays. I used to organise these trips and also go on them. You want him to be less successful, which would raise questions at his workplace.

Everyone on trips like these is still in work mode, mentally. They're with colleagues and bosses and maybe some customers too. It's not like he can lounge around wearing only his boxers of an evening, and down a can or two whilst shouting at the tv (or however your DH would normally behave on a real holiday).

chickenstew74 · 15/04/2016 12:41

YANBU OP. It's hard coping on your own with small children and working etc. I find it hard when my dh works long hours and we hardly see him during the week let alone him being away on holiday without us!

I agree with Barbara and Milesdavis. If no one mentions that these things cause stress and friction then it's assumed all is ok. I don't see why work incentives should negatively impact on family life. It makes no sense.

You should let him know how you feel. Maybe see what he suggests as a compromise. Also have a discussion about how he can help you with getting some downtime when he is around.

You seem like a very reasonable person to me. I would be a lot less understanding.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/04/2016 12:48

You are prioritising the care of your grandmother over family holidays - that is what I would do too, as family comes first. HOWEVER - I'm a single woman. How does your DH feel about not going on holidays because of your grandmother? It wouldn't be fair to say, "honey, we can't afford to go on holiday because I want us to spend all of our money on my grandmother. And, if someone offers you a free holiday, you can't go on that either". I'm not sure what your DH would get out of such a deal? If you don't want holidays because you are prioritising the care of your relatives, that is right and noble of you. Should that mean that your DH should go without holidays though? It sounds like you are being a bit selfish.

JugglingBabies · 15/04/2016 12:48

Twitterqueen I have never asked him to be less successful. As previously mentioned. His female boss turns these holidays down all the time. And nothing is ever said. It has not affected her career. Infact, she's due for promotion again. And they are indeed holidays. He has a great time. I've seen the photos & received the 4am phone calls when they've been at the free bar since lunch! DH considers it a holiday. None of which is an issue. If he chooses to go, he should enjoy himself. I suppose I would just like him to see how his choices affect his wife and children. That's all. And maybe to make the odd sacrifice once in a while.

OP posts:

BusiB · 15/04/2016 12:48

I had asked the OP earlier what he actually does on these trips but did not get a reply. If it is just a business trip type holiday like a previous poster said then that throws a different light on it.

BusiB · 15/04/2016 12:49

Ok OP sorry sorry sorry. Just seen your previous reply

BusiB · 15/04/2016 12:51

I would be very unimpressed that he us going off on these boozed holidays. Does he not feel any guilt??

JugglingBabies · 15/04/2016 12:58

ISWYM harshbuttrue when the issue came up regarding my Grandmother, it was DH's suggestion. Which I completely backed. And as others have said, I think we now need to look at other ways to fund this. Also factor in two kids under 6 who are dying to go on these planes with Daddy and can't understand why he's always on holiday? I wouldn't ask him to give them up completely, he earns them. But maybe just cut down the number of them a bit. At least until we can afford to go away on family holidays aswell.

OP posts:

JugglingBabies · 15/04/2016 12:59

I don't think so BusiB If he does, it's never been communicated to me.

OP posts:

CruCru · 15/04/2016 13:43

I have friends who are in a similar position to you OP. Their husbands work in law firms etc and work like billyoh - then the partner pays for everyone to go away as a reward. Usually with partners but that's no good because the wives are teachers / have dependent children etc and can't just go away on a few days notice.

I think YANBU.

rainbowstardrops · 15/04/2016 13:47

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable.

Well done to your DH for working hard and being successful but surely any loving, caring partner would feel a pang of guilt if they consistently swan off leaving everything to their partner?

If he made sure you all had quality family time and holidays or breaks away as well then fair enough but he doesn't. I presume you work pretty damn hard as well?!

I'd sit him down and talk it through. Ask him how he'd feel if the tables were turned.

Oh and definitely look into your grandmother's situation. That really shouldn't fall to you

CruCru · 15/04/2016 14:06

Yes, I know that you haven't asked for advice on your grandmother's situation but I would recommend contacting the CAB to see whether the council could be made to pay for her care.

BusiB · 15/04/2016 14:12

If he doesn't feel any guilt and happily feels entitled to go off on these boozy fun holidays whilst his wife struggles with a full time job, kids and they cannot afford a family holiday then you need to tell him how unfair this is on those of you left behind.

NanaNina · 15/04/2016 14:49

So sorry to be off topic about your grandmother and don't shout on MN (use off capitals) In fact the issue of funding your grandmother has come up time and time again and you've not complained. Anyway you now know she can be funded by the LA and the money clawed back when the house is sold. And if it is so well below value - why hasn't it sold? I'm beginning to wonder if funding granny was a red herring. Relatives are never expected to fund.

I think your DH sounds like a very selfish man and you a very long suffering man. So be it.

NanaNina · 15/04/2016 14:53

long suffering wife!!

joloho35 · 15/04/2016 14:57

That would not be acceptable in my house.

whois · 15/04/2016 15:52

The 'boo fucking hoo my DH is in the army' is totally irrelevant. It's not what the tread is about.

I think the Op should be grateful that she's got a DH. I have 12 children and no arms or legs and no family and my DP is in prison for murder so i have it much worse than anyone

BusiB · 15/04/2016 17:38

happybee1 · 15/04/2016 17:49

YANBU, I think you have been more than fair. He needs to realise that he is not single and turn down some of these trips like his boss does. She probably can't go as she has a family who rely on her. I wonder how he'd feel if it was the other way round?
I used to work in the travel industry and was offered educational trips, one of them even a cruise but never went as didn't feel it would be fair to leave my partner doing everything for the family.
It's time he thought about a family holiday and starting working towards that. Good luck x

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 15/04/2016 17:55

Forever Living

ananas1307 · 15/04/2016 22:21

Do you honestly not think this all sounds a bit dodgy???? DH is almost certainly having an affair. Wake up and smell the coffee.

ananas1307 · 15/04/2016 22:27

Bet he's got a single, female, horny colleague that you don't know about who joins him on his adventures.

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waterrat · 15/04/2016 22:36

Yanbu. He has a family and all decisions about work and leisure need to weigh up the impact on his partner and children.

I have turned down work trips abroad because I have children. I have turned down many holiday and fun offers with friends. That is normal. So has my husband.

Life is a balance and your husband is not weighing up the impact of his choices on his family.

I don't understand why you have even been so understanding so far. Parents do not regularly take family free holidays.

NanaNina · 15/04/2016 23:26

Yes I agree ananas - the OP has no idea whether relatives are allowed on the trips are not but she knows he has a great time. It was my first thought tbh.

Blodynn · 16/04/2016 00:44

Ananas thought did cross my mind

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