To ask DH not to go away on trip?

[JugglingBabies]

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

[SolidGoldBrass]

OP, do you get any leisure time? When he's not off on one of his holidays, do you get an afternoon or a couple of nights every week to do stuff that you want to do (whether that's going to the gym, meeting up with friends for lunch or taking archery classes)? Or is this marriage one where the woman is basically the handmaiden who exists to make the Super Salesman's life easier?

[JugglingBabies]

Oh Nananina you are determined to pull something to shreds aren't you. If you'd read the full thread, even the original post, you would know that relatives are not allowed on these trips. I do know that.

[BigStripeyBastard]

My god. A hundred odd replies before someone suggests he might be having an affair! Surely this must be an MN record?

[WeatherwaxOrOgg]

Sorry to chip in again lol ...

But is he with other colleagues Juggling? It sounds from your 4am calls post that he may be. A solo holiday would be hard for me to swallow but one where he was with people he appeared to prefer being with while I coped with children at home and continued working would be impossible.

He sounds unbelievably selfish. On the other hand I wrestle with that tag because of his complete and utter decency in being willing to shell out for your grandmothers care.

For balance, I asked my husband what he thinks. I'm a SAHM and he fully supports the family including my children from a previous marriage. He was stunned. He said he wouldn't want to go away without us and thought that the whole thing was, in his words, "richly bizarre". He said that (and I agree) marriage should be an equal partnership and if one person is taking 12 weeks holiday alone in 3 years while the other has virtually none it's not an equal thing at all. He also felt that (again I agreed) there's not a lot of point in being married if holidays aren't shared with the rest of the family as he feels that's part of the point of having a family.

I do wonder about the people he's with, as although I don't want to put something horrible there that isn't there, at the same time I do find it really strange that he does this while married with small children.

He's living the life of a single man with the benefits (security) that having a family brings.

Earlier I mentioned a cash alternative and I see someone suggested him asking for cash instead and even if its less than the holiday value, I think that's a fantastic idea especially since they really value him.

It would mean that you can all take a family holiday which would be lovely for the children.

If he doesn't want that ... if it was me I'd rather be with someone who did want that frankly. But that's just me I know ... I feel for you.

[LineyReborn]

They're just shit prizes, really.

[Nonotmenori]

OP his boss would have been offered a place just because she's the boss. She wouldn't have had to hit targets to win them so it doesn't matter if she turns them down or not. Weird that anyone would turn down a fully expensed trip away I know I wouldn't! have you spoken to him about any if it yet?

And ffs people don't tell the OP her husbands having an affair. Just because some of you don't understand his industry doesn't mean he's going away to get his kicks with another woman. It is normal for sales companies to do trips abroad. As Twitterqueen said down the thread they don't tend to get much free time to do stuff by themselves as these trips have the days mapped out for them as a group. She is upset enough without people planting further things in her mind to worry about.

[crje]

YANBU to ask him to do one
trip per year.

The company don't provide the holiday the clients do .
There is no cash alternative available.

[fascicle]

LineyReborn
They're just shit prizes, really.

They are. And they put the OP's husband in a difficult position. He may feel some pressure to attend the trips and not reject company culture, values etc.

[ananas1307]

To be fair, life with OP sounds as boring as hell. I'd be having an affair if I were stuck in that marriage!

[ananas1307]

And don't tell me that I can't say her DH is shagging around. If you post on a public forum, you're asking for opinions. It's blatantly obvious to anyone with any common sense what he's up to. What she needs to do is catch him!

[Janecc]

ananas now you're sounding as sour as your handle

[FavaBeans]

Did the OP tell us her ideas of hobbies and weekend fun? I must have missed that

I'm sure she just mentioned having children, which we all do.

[Nonotmenori]

Oh right. So anyone who goes away on a work trip is shagging around and having affairs. Alrighty then

You sound like a scorned woman. Have a there's a love.

[Blodynn]

Ananas ......Really! That was not a nice thing to say about the OP being boring to be married to. You don't know her.

[lem73]

They absolutely are shit prizes. As I said before, my dh works in sales and has organised a lot of these incentive trips. They are effective and work out cheaper than giving cash bonuses. If the dh doesn't accept the holiday, he'll get nothing in its place. Is it really fair to expect that?
My dh travels frequently (at least once a month) in his job to lots of lovely places. I have had to manage without him for a long time since the kids were tiny. Some of it is meetings etc and some of it is fun (safaris, Las Vegas, Great wall of China). I have never given it a minute's thought. It's part of his job. I know he'd rather to go to these places with us, but that's life.

[iMogster]

My husband gets 1 free holiday away with work per year. Posh 5 star hotels in fab places abroad. He chooses not to go as he says he spends enough time with work colleagues and prefers to be with his family. (He used to go before DCs born.)

[fuddle]

I wonder what your husband really thinks about you holding the fort whilst he's away ? You nigh find its not appreciated half as much as you think. Be more assertive and tell him you want some middle ground. All women are different and are prepared to put up with different situations but you are feeling the stress of it and you must be true to yourself. Do you think deep down there's some underlying resentment over paying for yr grandmother and financial constraints ?

[Originalfoogirl]

If he were working away, that's different and yes you'd have to suck it up. But leisure trips? Holidays for himself? Nope, I'd not stand for that. One a year, maybe - and only on the assumption I'd have a break away at some point in the year myself.

If I were him, I'd feel really bad about taking so many of these trips. Especially if there were no repercussions at work if I didn't go. There comes a point where you put family first and swanning off on two holidays a year by yourself is not the way to do that.