To ask DH not to go away on trip?

[JugglingBabies]

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

[anontoday23]

I think this is nuts !!!! Can't believe people say it's ok / normal / just his job. If his boss can skip the trips and it hasn't impacted her career, then why can't he? Presumably she skips the trips because she has family at home? But clearly it's fine for a woman to skip the trip because she has kids but for a man to skip them would be career damaging?!?
Honestly that you've put up with them for so long is amazing, you deserve a medal. That you work at home and have kids and accept two weeks of crazy hours pre trip and then have to endure him off living the 5* high life for two weeks while you keep the home fires burning - you are a saint. I'm not saying he should never go- once a year maybe and in return you should get time out , at least a weekend away or something or if money is tight, maybe you could visit friends etc. But at the very least there needs to be serious acknowledgement of the imbalance. And 6 trips in 3 years... Wow wow wow.

[whirlygirly]

My Xh has a job which entails him travelling all over the world, sometimes for necessary trips and sometimes on jollies. This has always limited my career and earnings potential as he's never been a factor for any regular childcare. I've needed to keep my hours as steady as possible and am turning down a trip I've been offered for next week as he's away and we have no family help.

What I'm saying is that your dh being away has all sorts of implications and puts unfair pressure on all of you. 4 weeks a year is some people's entire annual leave. If I were him, I wouldn't feel comfortable with this.

Agree on sorting the funding out - no idea of the circumstances but would be looking to get the house sold asap - could you potentially even buy it yourselves and rent it out? Crazy though it sounds, if her care fees are anything like my grandmothers, buying a house would be the cheaper option.

[lem73]

My dh works in sales and in his old role, he would run these incentive trips. There were always to really nice places.. He had to go too because he was the one running the incentive. He bloody hated them. I remember him saying they ran these things as they were a cheaper way of rewarding sales people than monetary bonuses.Maybe your dh knows that and he's trying to squeeze everything he can out of the company.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Op you've had some good advice on the care fees if you choose to pursue that point.

But to get back to the question you asked, I believe you should tell your dh that you're currently subsidising his jollies, grinding yourself into the ground while he's away. In short, I wouldn't be asking him just to miss the next trip, I'd be asking him to stop going at all. You really have got the shitty end of the stick in every sense and no, it's not fair for you to have to put up with three weeks of pressure while he works on his targets and then another couple of weeks while he's absent. Additionally I think his company sounds bloody awful, but if your dh's happiness at work is worth more than your family's happiness there is something very skewed in your relationship dynamics. Do you feel 'you owe it to him' to be content with the hand you're dealt because he earns the money, including the money that's keeping your elderly relative in a care home?

[GoblinLittleOwl]

If your husband is so good at his job, and his firm's top performing employee, I find it hard to believe that you cannot afford any sort of holiday.
I think I would start investigating the reasons why you can't have some sort of break. As he has two very good breaks each year, he clearly doesn't appreciate your need for one, and this needs pointing out, fairly strongly.

[XiCi]

He really is having the life of Riley isn't he!

There is no way I would take these holidays twice a year and leave DH with the kids and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't either. What do you think his reaction would be if you took yourself off for 2 weeks and left him juggling work and kids?
He sounds completely selfish, I can't believe you have let this go on for 3 years. Have you really never spoken to him about how untenable this situation is?

[Marynary]

It is a real shame that the company "rewards" are so family unfriendly. I can understand why your DH wants to go on these holidays if they are free but at the same time it makes life really hard on you so that is unfair. I think that it is certainly time for him to cut down on the holidays at least until the children are a bit older. I think one trip a year would be reasonable. If possible you need to look into going away by yourself for a holiday whilst your DH looks after the children and works. It doesn't have to cost much but will give you the break that you obviously need.

[fascicle]

The trips/prizes sound insidious to me. Why reward staff by adding to their stress with no flexibility on targets and family not invited? By making it for employees only, it comes across as some sort of bonding experience aimed at intensifying slightly warped company values. A decent company would recognise and promote the value of a decent work/life balance for their employees, not reward their best performers with prizes that have the potential to cause friction in their personal lives.

[BarbaraofSeville]

What do the 'up to 150 people' do on all these trips away?

It sounds like fascicle is along the right lines with a 'bonding experience aimed at intensifying slightly warped company values'.

I can't help thinking of the Tom Cruise film 'The Firm' when I hear about things like this.

[Bathsheba]

Can he pass the trip onto a collegue who may have worked equally hard but for some reason hasn't been the top performer..? Or a really good junior member of staff who needs the boost/networking..??

If he takes 1 a year and gives the other away then its balance for you,and he'd be creating a great work atmosphere.

[MartinaJ]

YABU. He earned it, he works hard. Also, he can take some time off to be with children and you could use the time to have some time for you too, go away, to friends or family for a few days and then come back and you can even have some holidays at home, just lounge around and relax.

[PoodlesOfFun]

e's away for up to 4 weeks max per year then. Providing it's just for work colleagues and due to his job then I don't see the problem. It's not that long considering many wives of Armed Forces personnel don't see their husbands for months at a time and count their lucky stars when they come back unharmed.

Lolz. SO because some people have to go away, to war.. other wives should stay the fuck home while their partner goes on holiday? Seriously.

I'm sure the OP would be ripped apart if she said she wanted to go on her 7th holiday alone and leave poor widdle dh to look after kids alone and do his job.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Apologies if this has already been covered somewhere but do the trips happen during company time or is dh expected to take it from his annual leave allowance?

[Madfra]

You know, this thread was emailed to me this morning and as I sit here 4 days away from the end of my husband's 8 month tour of duty I could feel myself getting incensed about the fact that someone could complain about 'picking up the slack' for a fortnight. But, I've calmed down a bit, you'll be pleased to know.

I'm not going go into whether I think you're being unreasonable or not, but what I am going to say is, you should just tell you husband all this. Absolutely nothing comes from people telling you whether or not they're on your side, it does not change how YOU should feel about him being away, and how HE would feel if he knew all this. Now, if you tell him and he says, "well I'm going anyway, see you on flip side!", then that is unreasonable, but whilst you 'support' him, he is going to think you're perfectly okay with him going. It's not about getting nagging, or whingy, it is about having an honest and open relationship, with each other and not an internet forum.

Asking a random selection of people their thoughts on it is never going to get a conclusive answer, in this situation. Because for every person saying you're being perfectly reasonable, there will be people, like me, who will say "Oh FFS, it's 3 months in 3 years, my husband has been away for 19 months of the last 3 years" and tell you just do something about it or man up, because it's really Not. That. Bad. But I won't do that, because I've calmed down... ;)

[awesomeness]

I'm work has the same sort of thing, we win trips abroad, to fancy hotels and events like the olympics etc

there's one guy who wins all the time,and he's never been on one because he said its not fair on his wife.

I personally wouldn't cause a shit storm butt I'd point out and drop massive hints about the effect it has on you. if you can't take a family holiday then why should he keep going away, or maybe agree to a small family holiday or even he takes a week off work and sends you off. or even you mention that, say you wish you could go away etc and push comes to shove, guilt trip him

[awesomeness]

and sorry but people join the army expecting to go away, women marry soldiers and know it's part and parcel of the job.


she clearly didn't expect this and it's not compulsory, it's the fact he's choosing to go

[MIlesdavis]

If the company is worth it's salt it should give him the option of £££ instead of taking the trip. As his boss doesn't go on them, he should start with them and explain that as much as he'd like to go, he needs to consider his family's needs. Can he have the cash instead. I used to work in a job where we'd do these incentives and we always had spouse trips as well as the individual ones for this reason. It didn't seem fair not to include them when the spouse actually does a lot that makes or breaks their partner's success. The company relies on these incentives to make links between their top performers and it sounds like they are very generous (and your partner is very successful) to have achieved so many, but he should definitely ask if they would consider £££ instead of taking the trip. Who knows, perhaps his boss already does this?

[BarbaraofSeville]

If he is consistently their top performer, the company probably wants to keep hold of him and keep him happy. Their worst nightmare would be for him to leave for a rival.

So he shouldn't hesistate to speak up if the prizes are unsuitable - he could frame this in terms of the extra stress caused by time away from his job, rather than 'his wife doesn't like it'.

A cash alternative would be most suitable because then you could ringfence this money for a holiday for the whole family.

[BusiB]

Madfra she is not an army wife and it's a completely different situation. My DH had to go away a lot due to the nature of his work but he wouldn't have gone off on holiday alone when we couldn't afford to take family holidays .

[Wdigin2this]

If he's such a high performer, why can't you manage a family holiday during his annual leave?

[JugglingBabies]

Barbara I think that might be an idea. I know for a fact that his employer wouldn't want him to move to the competition. Maybe it's time he has a word with his boss about.

And to Madfra while I applaud all our service men and women, and their families at home. MY husband is not in the forces. So your comment is not relevant to my situation.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

He needs to change employer to one where the spouses get to go too.

Completely agree with BarbaraofSeville and MllesDavis.

I think your original post OP is something that you should share with him. Simply put you would like him to reduce the number of discretionary trips he is taking due to the additional pressure it is putting on you and also him when he has to deliver a target despite being away on a jolly.

[BusiB]

Juggling has he never ever shown that he feels bad for going away on his own?

[JugglingBabies]

BusiB No, not really. But then would i want him to go away and feel crap? No. There'd be no point in him going in that case.

And to clarify for others, I would never TELL him to do anything. That is not the relationship we have. My question was simply is it unreasonable to ask him to not go on the next trip? As per original post.

I've enjoyed reading both sides of the discussion. As it has given me a insight into what things might be like from his side, which will help when we sit down to have a chat about it! Thanks to everyone who answered constructively

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dh knows that if he wanted to join the armed services it would be a deal breaker for our marriage. Thankfully he did that before I met him and left the RAF many years ago, but it would not have been the life I would choose for myself or my family. That's not to say your choice is wrong Madfra but that's a very different situation. Your dh does not have a choice and he's not off on a jolly but working. Op's dh does have a choice and it's a holiday.