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AIBU?

To ask DH not to go away on trip?

193 replies

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 17:07

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

OP posts:

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JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 20:08

AnchorDown yes monthly targets are set & must be achieved irrespective of time out of the business for any reason, annual leave, business trips etc

Yes NorthernLurker 100% sure it's an employee only deal.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 14/04/2016 20:10

I don't think YABU OP, this situation sounds really shit for you.I think your 'D'H is a selfish prick & I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is a cash alternative which he chooses not to take.

scallopsrgreat · 14/04/2016 20:12

YANBU and I'd feel similar to soapboxqueen. My feelings for someone that selfish would be questioned.

It's not just the fact you have to pick up the slack for a month a year it's the fact he is downright unreasonable in the weeks running up to each break. There is no excuse for that.

septembersunshine · 14/04/2016 20:19

I think this is defiantly hard on you OP. I would also have a tight little smile on my face waving him off yet again while I had two children and a job to hold down without him. If it was a once in a while thing - well - how delightful for him but it sounds all too frequent. It's a bit like a duel life in a way. One day at home with the family the next a single man living it up with other single people for two weeks in what I assume will be an awesome location. Surely there is a cash bonus alternative. Surely?! Can he ask for that next time so he can take his family away? If he is the best they have maybe he can request a different price? say a family holiday?

I would speak to him and tell him your thoughts on this. If he is anyway decent I think he would see that it's unfair. It is. Sure he works hard but so do you.

eddielizzard · 14/04/2016 20:20

are you friendly with any of his colleagues or his boss? friendly enough to ask about these prizes? i also think there is an alternative that your dh isn't letting on about.

sounds like a pretty shit deal to me - you get to pick up the slack when he's away, AND when he's home working extra to make targets. so pretty much all round you're enabling this yo-yo work / leisure for him, when there's absolutely no reciprocation for you. do you even get a weekend off? just sounds like bloody hard slog to me, whereas he's getting a fortnight off every few months.

i'd be raging.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2016 20:24

Christ Almighty, you are being an absolute martyr

I would put my foot down immediately. One jolly per year. If he wins more than that, he uses the "time off" his regular job to stay at home, care for his kids and enable you to get a break away from the daily grind

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 20:29

September & Eddie yes I do know a couple
of his colleagues and boss. And I am as close to certain as I can be that there is no cash alternative. That is simply not how this company operates. And I genuinely do not think he would willingly deceive me like that. I have no reason to suspect so.

OP posts:

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 20:30

It's been so interesting to read everyone's perspective on this. And I'm grateful to you all for taking the time to respond. It's actually made me call a few things into question, that I really will have to go away and think about.

OP posts:

NanaNina · 14/04/2016 20:30

I agree with you Eddie - I do have a tendency to be suspicion I know but OP this is just isn't on and the fact that you've posted means you know that too. My son and DIL have kids and both have high powered jobs - my DIL goes all over the world but my son often goes with her (paying for himself) though it eats into his annual leave. Why are you so sure that families can't go along if they pay for themselves - because DH has told you?

He doesn't have to go (his boss doesn't go) and as someone else has said there might be an option to the prize of a holiday. And 6 prizes - surely they aren't all 2 weeks away in an exotic location. I'd be looking into this and talking to people at DH's employers - you might get some surprises.

And I know you support your grandmother financially, but he has a well paid job and you work too, so surely you could manage a modest family holiday. I get the impression you are wary of asking him not to go on the trip. Is he the dominant partner?

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 20:40

NanaNina I think a few of your questions were answered in the previous comment I have no reason to suspect that he would be deceitful in that way. And I am in no way some put-upon housewife. To be honest, in most ways, I am the stronger of two of us. But for some reason I have accepted this 'perk' of his career until now.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2016 20:43

I think his employers are onto a good scam here. They should be paying their successful staff cash bonuses, rather than rewarding the odd one or two with a holiday that they almost certainly pay a lot less than the real cost for. They are exploiting their staff (by encouraging them to all work hard for a bonus that only a few of them will get) and the families of their staff (who are expected to pick up the slack without complaining). It's a very unhealthy and sexist attitude - the company not only owns its employees, but owns their families as well...

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 20:44

SolidGold You may have hit it right on the head there!

OP posts:

carthorsespullcarts · 14/04/2016 20:48

I'd be hacked off too. Does he know how you feel don't you raise your eyes when he comes home with his next win/?
I'm sure there must be a compromise somewhere. It feels wrong that you can't have a holiday but he can jet off to luxury every 3 months.

BeALert · 14/04/2016 20:49

My husband works away a fair bit already. He is often offered additional trips but says no unless they're absolutely required. Last year he turned down a week in Italy, this year a week in China.

OTOH when he says he'd like to go to his sister's wedding 3,000 miles away I say yes - that's the stuff that matters.

Yeahsure · 14/04/2016 20:54

The situation sounds utterly ridiculous and untenable.

I work 'incredibly hard' but wouldn't do so the detriment of my family. I appreciate all industries are different, but I will go on work conferences and trips if necessary but no way would I work like a lunatic barely seeing my family in order to on these frequent jollies.

YANBU!!

AnyFucker · 14/04/2016 20:56

I think your husband needs to start embracing the concept of "good enough"

CocktailQueen · 14/04/2016 20:56

I'm amazed his company is still doing incentive trips like this! Dh is in the financial services industry and all jollies and trips have been cancelled!

Anyway, op, yanbu. Your h is being selfish, putting you all at home under stress because he feels under pressure, and in going on all these breaks when he doesn't have to. Whee are your breaks, your time off? Ffs.

And who mentioned a husband in the armed forces? Totally irrelevant here. That's like someone complaining about chicken pox and being told to be glad they don't have the Black Death - this board is for posting on whatever topic you want.

And peggyundercrackers , do you deliberately get the wrong end of every stick? I've never seen anyone with such odd opinions.

cowbag1 · 14/04/2016 21:05

I would be wondering if my DH had told me the whole truth about these holidays, it seems odd to me. How can it be fair for his company to offer a reward that not everyone (such as those with sole responsibility of children, elderly parents, even animals etc.) can accept should they win it.

Maybe your husband is the one who keeps winning because no-one else can accept these rewards so they don't try to win them!

Have you asked him outright why he keeps accepting these holidays if he doesn't have to? And, being the cynic I am, I would wonder if he really was going on all these holidays.

JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 21:17

There is no scope for cynicism. His company sends a film crew on each trip. A copy of which is posted to each winner several weeks later in DVD format as a keepsake

OP posts:

pearlylum · 14/04/2016 21:23

Sounds like a crap job.

Well performing employees should be paid in cash, not jollies.

You say money is tight and you can't afford to go a family holiday. If your OH is such a good performer and works so hard he will be snapped up by a decent company who rewards staff in the proper way- hard cash.

I would be encouraging him to find another position.

Fratelli · 14/04/2016 21:23

Sorry but if he was a supportive husband and father he wouldn't accept these, definitely not so frequently. Or he should offer you the chance to go somewhere for 2 weeks. Yes he works hard but so do you. Family needs to come first.

BlueStringPudding · 14/04/2016 21:28

If there's no work element at all on these trips, then as far as HMRC are concerned it would be a taxable benefit, and he would need to pay tax on it as such. Is he? If not then there is usually a half day 'work meeting' or something..

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JugglingBabies · 14/04/2016 21:32

BlueString His company pays the tax contribution on his behalf. He receives some sort of paperwork to this effect annually. So has no tax liability as such.

OP posts:

Lazyafternoon · 14/04/2016 21:34

YANBU

I'd go crazy if DH went on any work trip that wasn't actually work. I don't care if it's a holiday perk. If he doesn't need to go and we can't go with him, so unless it was only a couple of days I'd say no way. DH does have to travel a fair bit (about a week every couple of months) but it's meetings/ workshops etc. If it was a jolly I'd be fuming if he still went.

BarbaraofSeville · 14/04/2016 21:36

This gets even more bizarre. Regular elaborate holidays as 'bonuses' that are filmed for posterity. There is a very different world out there.

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