Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

significant birthday

363 replies

penguinfan · 13/04/2016 10:20

So last month it was my birthday, the one before a big significant #0. Had a meal for family. My brother and his fiancé were there and I mentioned that next years birthday was the big one and as it is going to fall on a Saturday I'm planning on throwing a big party. I don't really get on great with future sis in law. Always feel like she looks down her nose at me as I'm a single mum. Any hoo.... Fast forward to today and I've just received a save the date card for their wedding... For the date I want to throw my party on!!! Aibu to feel she has done this on purpose?? I'm really upset that my special birthday will now be overshadowed by their wedding!

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 14/04/2016 11:24

Seeing your update I'm even more convinced she has done this deliberately. She sounds like a right cow who wants to ostracise your brother from his family.

I almost had a SIL like this, although she was nice to me and liked me, she didn't like my brother doing anything without her, he became a bloody doormat that couldn't do anything on his own ever. Everythingnwas on her say so. She managed to alienate a huge chunk of family with her antics over their wedding, most of the family were refusing to go because of it including our brother and even my brothers mum was not sure whether to go because of the upset caused. She had been messaging people from my brothers Facebook account in his name, he didn't even know so people thought it was him. She just wanted him to herself really.

Thankfully he realised shortly before the wedding that he didn't want to be with her and broke it off. He wasn't happy about upsetting her but the first thing he did was make amends with the people she had upset and our brother has often said he actually has his brother back now as he couldn't even go out with him before. I don't think my brother would let himself get like that again as he now realises what it was like.

Some people don't like the fact that their partners come with a close family and will do their best to get them away from them.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 12:15

I love how people assume how OP's interpretation is the absolute utter truth. Like there is no reason at all why she might be making out SIL is the one with the problem when its just as likely to be her. You just swallow the whole thing whole and rant about the awful SIL and the poor little OP.
So naive! Especially when we can see that OP is no walk in the park just from this thread. I can only imagine how much hard work she is in real life. But at least its her actual family, I really can't imagine how much arse it would be to live with those of you egging her on to be even more paranoid, stalkery, and completely crazy.

SuperSue77 · 14/04/2016 12:26

My sister got married on my birthday, it wasn't a momentous number, I was 22, but she asked me all the same whether I minded. I said of course not because she was limited as to when she could get married as I was going travelling and they wanted the wedding before I went (also an easy way to remember their wedding anniversary!) But I'd be hacked off if it was a big one and I wasn't even asked. Regardless of whether OP is unreasonable or not in other interactions with her brother and his fiancée I feel she should have been asked.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 14/04/2016 12:26

OP, the most important thing is to decide what kind of a relationship you want with your brother, with whom you seem to have been close until very recently, and any children he has. Then make sure that you don't do anything to endanger that, which may very well include having to bite your tongue when your SIL is unpleasant, or at least being restrained if you do talk to her about it.

Don't descend to her level, think: where do you want to be with your brother 5 years from now?

IamSlave · 14/04/2016 12:31

midsummabreak Wed 13-Apr-16 13:16:02

what a lovely post - I feel your pain op, I totally understand why your upset but as midsummers lovely post detailed, that is the only way to move on.

DragonTail - its shitty behavior isn't it. They both knew it was her birthday, they knew it was important to her....and they didn't say a word.

Sure the thread has moved on by now, but its no one business if ops bday is special to her..its special to her, and she is also their family.

I also totally understand her sending the text, it sends the clear message - you were a fucking arsehole and booked your wedding on the same day and never even mentioned this too me, spoke to me, explained it to me. Thats the shitty part isnt it> why no phone call " listen, so so so sorry but this is the only day bla bla..."

Op I hope you can arrange your party for a day when they cant attend and have a wonderful time. you know where you stand with this couple though so lower your expectations right down in the future. Good luck.

IamSlave · 14/04/2016 12:42

Op I think some people on here have been unbelievably horrid to you, talking about pp turning this in into a real time east enders when in actual fact they are doing that themselves.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 12:56

Just because the OP isn't willing to behave like a total doormat and just suck up bad manners (at the least) from her bro and sil, it doesn't make her paranoid and stalkery.

I honestly can't see what is wrong in trying to establish whether they have lied to her about the date being the only one available. If nothing else it would inform how she manages her relationship with her brother in the future.

If it is the case that sil wants to cut out the family, then no amount of sucking up ride behaviour now, will protect the OP from being frozen out in the future if that is sil's intention. She might as well establish the truth now.

diddl · 14/04/2016 13:33

SIL can't cut out the family if Ops brother doesn't go along with it though.

It's up to him to find a balance.

M00nUnit · 14/04/2016 14:16

Their ruby wedding anniversary, golden wedding anniversary etc. will all now fall on your significant birthdays too OP so you'll probably have this same problem every 10 years forever!

Original poster
penguinfan · 14/04/2016 17:26

Little update....

Mum phoned sis in laws mother. She has their number from when bro lived there briefly between houses. NOTHING is booked? Sil and her mum had been discussing dates and the church is free for quite a few dates next year but apparently sil is keen on this particular date and that's why she has sent save the dates, to find out who is free that day. Now I'm very confused as bro said it was the only free date when clearly it isn't. Not that it matters any more as have decided on a different date for my party and won't be telling anyone until much nearer the time.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 14/04/2016 17:32

I really feel for you on this one. People who haven't been on the receiving end of this won't get it but you are almost certainly right to trust your instincts on this. Sil is trying to exercise control over DB and his relationship with his family.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/04/2016 17:37

That is a hell of a lot of drama over a birthday party - especially when you were obviously able to book it for a different weekend anyway!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/04/2016 17:40

If I were your sil and brother I would be raging at your mother. Phoning mil?! That's totally not her place. I can't believe this is all because of a birthday party... Sadly I can see a big falling out coming.

All because of a birthday party. smh.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 17:40

I would book my party then for my actual birthday and sil/bro can do as they please.
They are telling you that they have more power than you and can fuck up your plans on a whim - there's no way I'd move my party to another date having found out that they are doing it on purpose just to screw with you.

Ginslinger · 14/04/2016 17:43
NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 17:44

Paul, I think you are heing deliberately obtuse. It isn't really to do with the birthday party, it is to do with bro/sil going out of their way to mess up the OPs plans. They don't need to get married on that day and I doubt they would have chosen that date, had the OP not mentioned her party.
Sil/bro seem to have an agenda here.

I don't see any reason why a mum of the groom shouldn't talk to the mum of the bride about a wedding date, particularly when it appears to have bern selected with the sole purpose of ruining the OPs pre existing plans.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/04/2016 17:46

If you book your party for that day you seriously run the risk of family members not coming as a wedding would be seen as more important.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/04/2016 17:48

I'm really not being obtuse at all. I do hope the op doesn't take your advice though, talk about a way to make things even worse. Hmm

Original poster
penguinfan · 14/04/2016 17:49

Mum actually phoned to offer to help plan and organise the day, for no other reason than that as I've told her not to worry about my party as like the majority of people on here keep saying, it's only a party. My party is no longer relevant as I've already decided that I will have it on a different day if I bother at all as it's obviously an insignificant event.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 17:52

There is that risk. Depends on whether you have more friends than family that you'd want to attend, as to whether you do that.

There is also the chance that bro wouldn't want to risk some guests not going to his wedding so would opt for a different date, although I wouldn't count on that.

Either way, I think your relationship with your bro is screwed - he lied, you know it, hr knows that you and your mum have caught him out in that lie. He and sil look like spiteful twats.

If this was my family my mum would be having serious words with my brother.

EverySongbirdSays · 14/04/2016 17:53

Now that this has been stated (and no one MIL shouldnt be ringing the other) and the church is NOT booked and there are several dates available - but SIL is VERY KEEN on X Date it does look more deliberate.

But, it is, dare I say it,OP, very convenient as a means by which to save face on this thread.......

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/04/2016 17:54

Nobody said it was an 'insignificant event'. Hmm Don't be that person. If this birthday is a big deal to you then have your party, albeit on a different date. You'd regret not having it.

AddToBasket · 14/04/2016 17:58

Lay off the OP, Paul. She started the thread out because she suspected she was being deliberately slighted - and it looks like she was. I think the drama was engineered by the SIL not OP.

NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 18:04

Paul, if the wedding hasn't been booked and the church is available on other dates, then why shouldn't the OP stick to her original plans? I mean, it is the brother and sil who have caused all this problem, not the OP.

Sometimes you cannot do anything to improve a situation when a relative is in a relationship with domeone determined to pull them away from their family. You might as well just please yourself.
My bro had a long term partner who disliked my parents. It didn't stop her asking thrn for favours when it suited her though. She just looked down on them.In all honesty, my mum and dad were never anything but kind and welcoming to her. They never made demands. I am not one for rolling over and playing dead tbh and if it caused a row, so be it. Not saying things out loud doesn't mean bad feeling goes way.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 14/04/2016 18:14

In that case op I would try and regain the moral high ground and piss off SIL by texting DB and saying 'text was a joke, although possibly in bad taste, how lovely for you to get the church SIL wants and actually the venue you wanted for your party is booked that date so you have booked for xxx -fictional date instead can they save the date, it will be great having 2 lovely events in the family to look forward to' it will be backing out gracefully and will also annoy SIL to know she has not got to you if that is obviously-- what she intended. Have a great birthday.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.