Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

significant birthday

363 replies

penguinfan · 13/04/2016 10:20

So last month it was my birthday, the one before a big significant #0. Had a meal for family. My brother and his fiancé were there and I mentioned that next years birthday was the big one and as it is going to fall on a Saturday I'm planning on throwing a big party. I don't really get on great with future sis in law. Always feel like she looks down her nose at me as I'm a single mum. Any hoo.... Fast forward to today and I've just received a save the date card for their wedding... For the date I want to throw my party on!!! Aibu to feel she has done this on purpose?? I'm really upset that my special birthday will now be overshadowed by their wedding!

OP posts:
ApplePaltrow · 13/04/2016 15:35

Assuming the OP is 39, I don't know why she is so obsessed with being a single mom. She's not 15, plenty of people are single moms by 39. 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I also don't believe a word of the SIL calling her "benefit scum" or calling her son "Kevin" or whatever.

My guess: when the OP got pregnant she basically decided that her brother was going to step in as the dad. Once SIL turned up, OP panicked that she was going to lose her support system so she lashed out and generally made the SIL feel unwelcome. As the brother and SIL distanced themselves from OP's temper tantrums (because she is nuts - seriously, just read the thread) OP upped the ante. SIL has likely done nothing wrong.

Now she is engaged in intrafamilial warfare. It's OP vs SIL: weddings v birthdays... to the death!

ollieplimsoles · 13/04/2016 15:40

I honestly envy those with decent enough families that they never get any of this shit and don't see it.

This is what I'm talking about.
In the real world where everyone got on it would be a wonderful happy occasion, but sil and op have their own issues going on.

I wept when I found out my due date was mil's birthday, I would have gotten such a flaming on here but to me it really was the most awful thing I could imagine.

NNalreadyinuse · 13/04/2016 15:50

Apple you can't just make stuff up to fit the narrative in your head Grin . There is no reason to assume the OP is lying.

Original poster
penguinfan · 13/04/2016 15:53

Wow people really do make way off the mark assumptions!! I never asked or decided to make my brother a surrogate father. When my ex walked out on us, my bro stepped up with taking my son to footy practice and matches, taught him how to ride a bike, did all the "dad" type things with him cos at that time he was still living with my parents who looked after my son while I was working. Quite often I'd arrive to pick my son up and he'd still be at the park with my brother. They were very close. Then he met sis in law and no matter how hard I tried with her she always cut me dead, would speak over me or completely ignore me. The benefit scum remark came about after a conversation about tax credits and how confused I was with my renewal that my brother had kindly helped me with. It was a snide comment about how she had to work hard to pay for other people's kids! Even my brother was shocked by it. Obviously my brother started spending more time with sis in law which is normal, I had no problem with that but then he stopped seeing my son altogether after they moved in together and she complained that she never got to spend any time with my brother because of my son, which just wasn't true. Last Christmas they were all meant to come to me for dinner but on the morning my brother text to say they weren't coming as sis in law was unwell. I later saw photos of them at her parents. My brother used to help out my parents with gardening as my dad has a long term illness affecting his mobility and she even stopped him doing that as she wanted to spend every weekend with my brother. There is a lot more to this that I don't want to post but as for my birthday celebration then I've already decided to let it go and celebrate at another time.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 13/04/2016 15:59

good for you op, it sounds like a very difficult relationship and I'm sorry this has happened.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 13/04/2016 16:26

I honestly envy those with decent enough families that they never get any of this shit and don't see it

IT's not about them, its about YOU. You can have the worst family in the world, but you don't have to be one of them. You don't have to be a horrible person because they are. It isn't an excuse for this kind of tit for tat horribleness, passive aggresive, completely weird twattery!

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/04/2016 17:05

"OP DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THE UTTERLY BATSHIT ADVICE IN THE PREVIOUS POSTS."

Actually, I thought that Ida's advice ...

""If I was you OP I would text brother back and say, you know I wasn't being serious about the joint celebration and inviting my friends to your wedding, I was just making the point that it might have been nice if you had mentioned it to me before I got the save the date, having only been discussing it a few weeks ago.""

... not only wasn't "Batshit", but was in fact really rather reasonable.

lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 17:18

OP she clearly doesn't like you
I'd be having a chat with your brother, I suspect she's gone for this date on purpose and he can't see what's going on.

scotsgirl64 · 13/04/2016 17:24

i first read this post before going to work this morning , just got home and wow can't believe how its become such a thing!....its only a birthday ffs!...have your fantastic party another weekend! -more opportunities for prosecco-

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/04/2016 17:31

He may well have been taking on the role of main male in your son's life, but surely you must have known, though it wasn't discussed, it couldn't have stayed that way forever? Your brother was always going to meet someone, and possibly have children of his own in the future. It sounds like you're very jealous that your SIL has 'taken' him away from you and your son, that she's picked up on it and is pissed off, and it's all continued to spiral.

However you're doing a very poor job of trying to build bridges with either of them, with things like that text, and making it obvious you resent her. She might not be perfect, and yes, she sounds difficult. But it does seem like you're inflaming things. Of course you don't have to be bosom buddies with her, but you're blaming her for a shift in your brother's priorities, and that simply isn't fair.

Don't call the church. Don't arrange your party for the same weekend. Don't be jealous. Rise above.

Alohamora · 13/04/2016 18:50

Wait until the following year OP when they have the a 'First Anniversary Party' and invite all the same guests.

My cousin did that - had a wedding reunion ShockHmm

AddToBasket · 13/04/2016 19:22

What does your mum think, OP?

Personally, I think SIL did do it deliberately.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 13/04/2016 20:42

Me too Addto. OP, I don't think you're crazy at all - on the contrary, if what you've told us I'd true I think that SIL was probably very jealous of your close relationship with your brother and became determined to quash it.

I say phone the church because I don't believe that the single Saturday available out of 52 happens to be your birthday. I don't mean tell them who you are at all, just phone and ask generally about availibility. Not so you can take retribution but you will know for definite what the situation is. If it really is booked then perhaps you could forgive your SIL as she clearly wasn't being mean at all. If it isn't fully booked now though you'll also know that she is out to get you and I'd retreat a bit from her in future. There would certainly be no point in arguing with them over it as you'd definitely lose to the wife - but at least you'd know either way.

I'm so sorry for your situation - you sound like a nice person to me :)

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 13/04/2016 20:44

Also I wouldn't let it get to you as you don't have to celebrate your birthday on the exact day - many birthday parties aren't held on the exact day. Book another date and enjoy it as much :)

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 13/04/2016 21:24

I don't think you're crazy at all - on the contrary

Of course you don't think she's crazy..you're way crazier!

PrivatePike · 13/04/2016 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 21:32

Of course you don't think she's crazy..you're way crazier! - KILLED ME! 😂

Don't phone the church op, it's stupid ass advice that will only leave you feeling riled or embarrassed for doubting.

I don't know one person in real life who would act like some of the loons on this thread. I'm so, so glad...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/04/2016 22:02

PLEASE DON'T PHONE THE CHURCH - YOU WILL LOOK UNHINGED!!!

GrinGrinGrin

NNalreadyinuse · 13/04/2016 22:28

I can't really see the harm in checking whether the sil was telling the truth about the church availability. As a pp said, at least she would know whether her brother and sil were being deliberately shitty in this particular case.

ApplePaltrow · 13/04/2016 23:26

NNalreadyinuse

Nah, the OP pretty well already said as much.

The OP keeps stating that she feels the SIL keeps her brother away from them but of course she also thinks that a birthday party trumps a wedding so she's hardly an unbiased (or rational) witness.

teatowel · 13/04/2016 23:50

Sil is obviously working at separating her soon to be husband from his family and is succeeding. It is not about birthdays or wedding dates it is about a woman deliberately splitting a family. I would ring the church because I would want my to see if my suspicions were correct. You don't have to give any name at all just enquire about availability. In our family we have had exactly this with a sil. We are a'normal' family who have gone through heartbreak because for reasons known only to herself a sil has wanted to end relationships with all members of her husbands family. Some people are manipulative and plain nasty.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 14/04/2016 07:45

You've hit the nail on the head Teatowel.

It's quite a sad situation really because SIL will win - and in a normal situation of course the brother should support his wife.

It's just sad because not only will the sister lose her brother,the little boy also loses his uncle.

The OP should just try not to hold it against her brother so that if he ever wants to mend things he'll feel able to approach his sister.

Good luck OP :)

NNalreadyinuse · 14/04/2016 07:46

It's not that a birthday trumps a wedding, more that the OP told them her plans and they have seemingly gone ahead and booked their wedding on the one day that she had already reserved - even the groom's mum is surprised by the speed.

Now if it is truly the case that the church is only available on that day then that is very much a different scenario to deliberately booking it when other days were available. If I was the OP, I would want to know the truth.

Even if it is the only day available, it was very poor behaviour to not say anything to the OP when she was talking about her party.

I also think it is poor behaviour to just drop outbof a child's life when you have been an important part of it. Fair enough to spend more time with your partner than your family but I don't understand how any woman could be resentful of her fiance spending time with a young nephew and bring a support to a child whose own dad isn't present. I would value that sort of commitment in a man and would think less of him if he was prepared to dump a child on the say so (presumably) of a woman he was involved with. Admittedly, I get very irritated withbpeople who lose independent thought once they are in a relationship.

The 'benefits scum' comment would have killed all efforts to he civil to this woman though.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/04/2016 09:26

Oh don't start your 'It's quite sad' comments Weather. Yesterday you were encouraging the op to book her party on the day of the wedding to stir up trouble and to phone the church. Purely for your own entertainment. Nothing you have contributed to this thread shows you to care about the op's relationship with her brother in any way.

honeylulu · 14/04/2016 09:27

I thought from the start that SIL had done it deliberately to piss you off. The history of her difficult behaviour and the coincidence of you having recently announced your big party for next year just made me think "hmmm she knew exactly what she was doing". I don't believe the church had only one possible date next year either (but no you can't phone and check. )
The thing is, she probably wanted to rile you and get a reaction. Now she has even if it was PA. I would sit tight as it would not be at all surprising - now that she has pissed on your fireworks- that she'll decide she doesn't want a March wedding after all. Let's face it, it's still officially winter and not at all ideal for lovely country wedding in the grounds of the family home. Brrr!
Keep quiet, smile beatifically and wait. You might get to reclaim your party after all. Just don't invite the cunt.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread